Very Young Lesbian Seduction

Very Young Lesbian Seduction
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Published March 24, 2006 11:57AM (EST)

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Since You Asked

When I was 9, I saw a movie where one of the characters was gay and had a horrible life. The next morning I told my mom that I thought I might be gay. What I remember happening next, while probably not 100 percent accurate, is this: She started crying, hugging me, and kept me home from school that day. She asked me if I had been molested (I hadn't been). I saw a therapist who asked questions like "Why do you think you're gay" and "Do you feel uncomfortable in the gym locker room?" The therapist also asked me to look at some pictures, and I refused, terrified to do so in case my reaction to them proved if I was gay or not. These appointments ended abruptly after a few visits.
After that I couldn't sleep in a room alone for some time and started thinking about suicide. I was not a happy gal. At 10 or 11 years old I decided that, if by 14, I was still worried about being gay, then I probably was. I started developing some strange habits -- if I was walking and had thoughts about being gay, I would have to "erase" them by walking backward, starting again, and thinking about something else. Twenty-two years later, this continues to some degree, although now I have a system, complete with acronyms and lists, to fend off any thoughts I consider "bad." I also repeat these words to myself in stressful or unhappy times; often, my first thoughts when I wake up are occupied with these crazy lists. I'm so used to it now I sometimes forget that it's not what most people do.
So life continued, things got better and this whole theme started to fade and merge with typical teenage stuff. My 14th birthday came and went uneventfully; by this time I was already dating boys.
I've often heard that if you are gay, you know at an early age. But at 9 years old, how can you know such a thing? I was always really affected by TV and movies -- I once thought my parents might give me away because it happened to a girl on TV. How do I know it wasn't just the movie that put the idea in my head? Or what if my mom, or anyone at all, had just said, well if you are a lesbian it's fine, it's no big deal? I'm worried that even if I were gay, I would never accept it because for me it's always been equated with misery.
My boyfriend and I recently split and I've never been with a woman. With some exceptions, I'm mostly attracted to men and enjoy sex, but enjoy it a lot more if I imagine being degraded or devalued. That fact alone is disturbing, and I'm not sure if it's connected to the whole gay thing or something else entirely.
I do wonder if the OCD, problems in romantic relationships, and general anxiety stem from the experiences I had when I was 9. However, I don't fancy spending years in therapy delving into past events and looking for answers to why things are how they are now. I have a strong aversion to therapy and am egoistic enough to think that it won't help me. I also fear that therapy would open up a Pandora's box of disaster. How could magnifying a problem and analyzing it to the death improve anything? At the same time, I would love to find a way to be in a happy relationship and wake up without lists in my head.
As you probably know, I often suggest psychotherapy, and I would do so in this case. It seems to work for me and other people I know. Like you, I also thought that it might open some Pandora's box of issues and memories that were upsetting and embarrassing that I wouldn't want to deal with. I thought the therapist was going to take the lid off and monsters were going to pop out.
But that isn't what has happened. In fact, my complaint about therapy is not that it is too scary and strenuous but that at times it's not dramatic enough. But what I am beginning to see about the lack of drama is that my psychotherapy is, for good reason, a slow and gentle process.
Especially since your situation involves more than just the problems of adjusting or learning to alter your behavior, I particularly think that seeing a trained specialist is the way to go. I offer people general advice about how to think about their problems in new ways. But I cannot offer you any help about what to do about your obsessive-compulsive disorder. It's not the sort of thing you can just figure out and fix on your own.
So I suggest you talk to some psychotherapists or psychiatrists about the OCD. See what you can do about getting some help. Tell them about your concerns as well -- that you don't want to get into dredging up a lot of old, scary things. Knowing that may help them figure out how best to be of help to you.
So I hope you will do that. Let me know how it goes.
And I've got to say this too. Your letter points up something that I hope lots of people notice. Whether what happened when you were 9 had any direct effect on the OCD you later developed, it sure does indicate how important it is for parents and teachers to learn to handle issues of sexual identity appropriately. It shows how early such ideas can take root in young people, and how important it is to respond to children in ways that are supportive and don't utterly freak them out for the rest of their lives.
As you suggest, it probably would have been a whole lot better if your mom had just said, "Well, if you are a lesbian it's fine, it's no big deal," perhaps adding, "And if you ever want to talk about anything at all, you know I'm always happy to hear what you are feeling and thinking."
Maybe some mom out there, hearing how this incident affected you, will take this to heart in raising her own daughter.
Copyright © 2022 Salon.com, LLC. Reproduction of material from any Salon pages without written permission is strictly prohibited. SALON ® is registered in the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office as a trademark of Salon.com, LLC. Associated Press articles: Copyright © 2016 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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Last updated at 23:48 03 October 2007
The mother of a young tennis star yesterday described the moment she allegedly found the 13-year-old and her female coach naked in bed together.
The woman said she screamed "You are nothing but a paedophile!" at 29-year-old Claire Lyte after stumbling across the pair performing sex acts on each other.
However, she told a court she did not report the incident to police because Lyte's father begged her not to ruin her coaching career and insisted it would not happen again.
It was not until nearly a year later that she became convinced the illicit lesbian relationship had continued and informed the authorities, she said.
When she found out that police were involved, her daughter climbed onto the roof of their house and threatened to commit suicide, she added, although she was later talked down.
The girl, who cannot be identified legal reasons, initially told police the bedroom incident had been a one-off, but she now claims this was a lie and that Lyte had threatened to destroy her tennis career if she exposed the alleged abuse.
Her mother was giving evidence at Liverpool Crown Court where Lyte - who until injury ended her career was one of Britain's top women players - is accused of sexual activity with a child.
The coach denies the charges, saying the 'pushy and ambitious' mother concocted the allegations after her daughter's tennis career stalled.
The girl's mother dabbed at tears as she described the incident in October 2005 when she came home unexpectedly and allegedly found them in bed together.
"My daughter jumped up and ran off and Claire pulled the bed sheet over her head," she said.
"Claire stayed in the bed under the sheet, and I shouted at both of them to get some clothes on and come downstairs.
"I was screaming at Claire, "Get out, what have you done, what have you done to my child, you are nothing but a paedophile".
"They came downstairs dressed, and my daughter sat down in a chair and curled into a ball. Claire sat with her head in her hands.
"Claire just kept telling me she loved my daughter. I kept saying, "She is 13". My daughter just cried and cried."
She said after talking for hours, Lyte agreed to cease coaching her daughter and distance herself from her.
The next day the mother took her daughter back to the prestigious Lawn Tennis Association academy in Loughborough which she attended.
Later that day, however, she said Lyte's father Colin rang 'begging' to meet her.
She eventually relented, driving to a motorway cafe that evening to discuss what had happened.
She told the court: "Colin pleaded with me not to do anything, to let him sort it out.
"He said he couldn't let her career end like this. He said he would really sort Claire out and this would never happen again."
But two weeks later, when the mother demanded to look at a text message on her daughter's phone, the girl locked herself in the toilet and threatened to ring ChildLine because her mother was 'abusing' her.
"I was so upset and furious and felt it was all connected with Claire," she said.
Lyte had meanwhile been warned by bosses at the academy for becoming too close to girl players and had been found sharing a toilet cubicle with the 13-year-old, the court heard.
Her mother said she reluctantly accepted Mr Lyte's assurances but in August last year she saw them getting out of a minibus together and realised Lyte was wearing her daughter's clothes, she said.
"I knew then I had to go to the police," she said.
When police raided Lyte's home they found clothing allegedly belonging to the girl.
These included a pair of pink knickers with her name tag sewn into them which were shown to the jury.
Lyte, from Shirley, near Solihull, West Midlands, denies five counts of sexual activity with a child between May 2005 and June last year.
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Published by Associated Newspapers Ltd
Part of the Daily Mail, The Mail on Sunday & Metro Media Group

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