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"I'm having an orgasm," came the shout heard around the quad. It was clear. It was unmistakable. It was unavoidably audible. And timed perfectly to cause maximum shock value.
Author, Keynote Speaker, Food Humorist©
Apr 30, 2012, 09:41 AM EDT | Updated Jun 30, 2012
This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.
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Author, Keynote Speaker, Food Humorist©
"I'm having an orgasm," came the shout heard around the quad.
It was clear. It was unmistakable. It was unavoidably audible.
And timed perfectly to cause maximum shock value.
My teen-aged daughter and I were on our sixth and final college campus tour. By now, the routine had become familiar. After an admissions counselor dutifully presented the college's credentials and outlined the admissions requirements, a hyper-enthusiastic student, as well-practiced in the school story as in walking backwards while telling it, gave us a tour of the campus. If "admissions" was a team, the student tour guides would be its cheerleaders.
This one started innocently enough, passing venerable academic buildings, the majestic library, a state-of-the-art athletic facility. There was something so familiar, but that's because this was my alma mater . Yep, I spent four years on this campus and received my degree from Lehigh University . Indeed, as we passed Maginnes Hall, it brought back vivid memories of HR 41, formally known as Human Sexuality.
It felt good to be back after such a long absence. Now I remember: I had a really good time here. That included a certain amount of debauchery that goes with college. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna drop serious coin for my daughter to experience that.
On the other hand, being out from under her parents' wing will be one of the most enriching growth opportunities of her life, not only to learn, but to meet all types of interesting and different people.
As joyful recollections danced in my head, our group of about 20 sixteen-year-olds and 30 parents was directed by our perky guide to the campus residence halls. As a father, particularly of a daughter, I can only hope that she won't be doing what I did, right here in these same residence halls, when the drinking age was still 18.
In what sounded almost like a public address announcement delivered by a male voice from a room nearby, broadcast to the surrounding vicinity: "I'm having an orgasm."
He wasn't the kind of "interesting and different people" I had in mind.
To say that our group response was muted is an understatement. Although every single one of us heard it, silence prevailed as if trying to pretend it didn't happen. Our tour guide's reaction could best be described as mortified.
Awkward doesn't do the scene justice; this was a conspiracy of awkwardness. Or, as a teenager might say, " ewwww ." Other than walking in on a couple of students actually having sex, what could be more uncomfortable to a co-ed group of teenagers with their parents in tow, just about to enter the dormitory where they might potentially spend the next four years, than to hear someone loudly proclaim their orgasm?
I should have stayed quiet. But the former standup comedian in me instinctively took over, yelling back to the orgasmic shout-out as I would have to a heckler at a nightclub: "You're always too soon." The result was awkward on steroids.
Our tour guide led us inside the "co-ed" dorm, making sure to inform us that the bathrooms were not co-ed. Oh, what a relief.
I couldn't help but notice that she later failed to point out the health center, where I recall that they dispensed birth control as readily as band-aids.
I decided that our next tour will be women's colleges.
Author, Keynote Speaker, Food Humorist©

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Disturbing new video shows the moment an Australian police department employee corners a 13-year-old girl in an elevator and gropes her as she frantically attempts to get away.
Glenn Roche, 54, who was found guilty of indecent assault this week, is seen in the footage chasing the youngster into the elevator after a day out with her family, the New Zealand Herald reported on Thursday.
Roche seems to be playfully chasing the girl but then the sicko grabs her, fondles her and tries to kiss her while she tries to wrestle free, the footage posted by TVNZ-TV shows.
The girl later told authorities that she still suffers nightmares from the harrowing July 2019 assault, according to the Herald.
But Roche told the judge he was just playing around and claimed there was “no sexual gratification on my behalf.”
“My hands have slid up her body as she slid to the ground,” the sicko told police. “My mind has gone off on a tangent like this is a challenge to me. I can get her and give her a kiss on the cheek like her two sisters and mum.”
“She contributed to that occurring by releasing her body weight and sliding through my hands,” he said, blaming his tiny victim.
Police said Roche had been out with the girl’s mom and siblings. It is unclear what his relationship to the girl and her family was.
The judge wasn’t buying his excuse, however, and found Roche guilty.
He was also suspended from the police department, where he worked as a civilian employee, according to the reports.

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