Very Little Fucking

Very Little Fucking

Bushwick Daily

Bushwick Daily

“It’s little dicks, not micro-penis,” the reporter from Gothamist was told outside of Kings County Saloon just before the event started
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“It’s little dicks, not micro-penis,” the reporter from Gothamist was told outside of Kings County Saloon just before the event started. And it seems that the distinction between the two is what makes Brooklyn’s Smallest Penis Pageant what it is: a little joke with a lot of pride.

This was the third year for Brooklyn’s most idiosyncratic and irreverent pageant, and based on the crowd that was lining up to pay $10 to see some small dick (when a few probably could have just stayed home and looked in a mirror), it was an outstanding success.

Once again, Kings County Saloon was selling “Penis Coladas” with plastic dick straws to the 100+ crowd of mostly women, many of who seemed pretty eager to be close to the stage when the little fellers made their big debut. When resident drag Queen Chicken Bitches , dressed in her finest, most sparkly and cumbersome Jedi attire (this year was Star Wars themed), asked the audience if they were here to hate or celebrate, they exuberantly shouted, “celebrate!”

Seriously, why doesn’t every bar in Brooklyn have a resident drag Queen? There are certainly enough of them living here. The only answer that I can come up with is that every bar owner and manager in the borough are well aware that no Queen can MC like the witty, cheeky and downright hysterical Chicken Bitches.

After Chicken Bitches warmed up the crowd, out came the competitors in see-through tuxedo-speedos. Two of them were returning for a second shot at the crown, a Mr. Rip Van Dinkle and The Puzzlemaster. The former won the first pageant, whereas the latter was a close runner-up last year . The other contestants, a well-tatted and rotund Chino Loco, the shy and endearing Gentleman and the Tecate-wielding Cromwell all seemed to have a shot at the title when the show started, but after the introductions and pageant walks, it seemed like the bout could only favor one man: The Puzzlemaster.

From the start he brought a flair and confidence that the other contestants struggled to deliver. He had a handful of jokes (last year he lost only by the “smallest margin”), and went all out during the cocksplash segment, when one lucky young woman was invited onstage to spray the dancing contestants with a squirt gun. I knew better from last year than to get too close to the stage. The Puzzlemaster also killed it with a Shirley Bassey cover renamed, “Golddinger.”

So when the Puzzlemaster was crowned and handed the scepter (a toy light-saber tipped with a plastic dick) along with $500 in cash, few people could be surprised. True, The Gentleman delivered a heartfelt poem that made the ladies in the crowd swoon, Chino Loco presented a hilarious and deeply traumatizing striptease in a Stormtrooper outfit, Rip Van Dinkle dropped a poorly timed but amusing rap, and Cromwell killed it with a Braveheart-level rousing speech about orgies in America, but nobody delivered the sincerity and cocksured-ness of The Puzzlemaster.

Confidence, it seems, is truly the key to winning the hearts of Ameri- er- Brooklyn.

I’m much smaller than the winner! Soft 0cm, hard 2cm!

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Nuns shocked as sex-mad party girls leave VERY little to the imagination as they arrive at convent in Bad Habits, Holy Orders
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How are the nuns going to cope with girls who don't know how many people they've slept with?
Channel 5 has come up with an incredible new idea for a show in the form of Bad Habits, Holy Orders.
The new TV programme sees five girls in their late teens and early 20s - who love to drink, party and have sex - go and live in a convent with nuns of the Daughters of Divine Charity.
The girls have no idea where they're going when they first get to the nunnery, and some have packed for a holiday.
Rebecca, 19, from Newcastle, is the first to arrive at the convent, after telling the cameras she goes out partying six nights a week and has lost count of the amount of guys she's slept with.
She looks stunned as she opens the front door, and is greeted by a nun.
Another one of the girls, Paige, 23, a secretary from the West Country, arrives in thigh-high red boots and has a leg tattoo of singer Nicki Minaj.
Meanwhile lingerie model Gabbi, 20, from London, who is a former Miss Teen Great Britain finalist, confesses she is addicted to social media - but she doesn't drink, or take drugs.
Tyla, 22, from Leeds, never comes home sober from a night out.
Nightclub hostess Sarah, 19, also from London, is last and she sees nothing wrong with spending up to 10 hours a day on her mobile phone.
On arrival at the Convent of the Sacred Heart the girls’ gadgets are confiscated, swearing is forbidden and they are expected to adhere to all the strict rules at the nunnery.
At 10pm each night they retire to their rooms for quiet, solitary reflection.
Like the 12 nuns who call the convent home, the five girls are given a monthly allowance of £25 - a big issue for Tyla who spends £40,000 a year on making herself up.
As Paige walks up the stairs wearing the tiniest black dress and red thigh high boots, lugging her suitcases with her, the nuns are far from impressed.
She says: "There were two who were modern in their dress, and I don't want them walking around the convent in that.
*Bad Habits, Holy Orders starts on Channel 5 on October 19 at 10pm
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