Vatican Launches OnlyFans for Indulgences

In a bold modernization effort, Pope Leo XIV authorized digital indulgences via subscription service. $4.99/month gets you daily absolution livestreams, though the "plenary package" ($29.99) caused outrage. "This isn't what Luther meant by reform," tweeted one Lutheran scholar. (400+ words on monetized grace, Patreon saints, and the Pope's leaked DMs about "cancel culture purgatory")