Vagina Capsicum

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Vagina Capsicum
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On Tuesday, Huffington Post UK posted a video of self-proclaimed Facebook prankster Brad Holmes playing a "hilarious" "prank" on his (allegedly unsuspecting) girlfriend, Jen. The clip showed Holmes rubbing a red chili all over one of Jen's tampons, then laughing as his partner experienced the genuinely excruciating pain of having capsaicin , the active compound in peppers that causes their notorious burning sensation, touch her genitals.
Holmes's video was rather swiftly removed from HuffPost , but it might actually be, for lack of a better word, instructive. (Bear with us.) While the "prank" illustrates quite deftly what a complete d-bag looks like in the wild, it also highlights an experience many of us have had, but rarely discuss: The terror of spicy sexy parts.
As Jezebel noted (sagely) all the way back in 2011, sometimes we do, in fact, "get hot pepper down there" — usually unexpectedly, and not on purpose. Maybe your partner went HAM on the chili oil at dinner, then decided to perform oral sex on you, her tongue still tingling from all that spice. Perhaps your husband didn't think to wash his hands thoroughly three times after slicing jalapeños to garnish that carne asada he made for dinner. Hell, you might not even have been having sex at all.
"I cut a poblano the other night while I was on my period," my sister texted me recently. "Poblanos — you think they're a mild pepper. Not mild enough. That's all I have to say about that."
Even mild peppers (with the exception of bell peppers ) contain capsaicin, which has the capacity to cause blistering wounds (or trigger a respiratory response) when a large quantity comes in contact with human tissue. The compound isn't absorbed through the skin, though, and instead just hangs out (or, rather, tingles) on a person's fingertips until it's fully removed — or until it's transferred by touch to a mucous membrane, like the ones present along the walls of the vagina. Then it starts to burn.
So if you've ever felt that creeping heat between your legs explode suddenly in your lower gut, as if someone poured a jar of ground cayenne on a stack of matches and lit the whole thing inside your vagina, know that you are not alone . It even happened to jalapeño-loving cook Chrissy Teigen once.
For the record, you don't have to have a vagina (and/or a taste for food with a kick) to be at risk of experiencing spicy sexy parts. Capsaicin tends to indiscriminately irritate mucous membranes, which means any part of the body that contains them — for example, the anus or glans penis (i.e. the head of the penis) — can burn real, real bad when it comes in contact with the compound.
Capsaicin typically won't cause permanent, long-term damage, though — assuming it's not applied in massive quantities. In most cases, the burning sensation will eventually go away within a few hours, according to emergency room physician Dr. Ken Weinberg.
"In 32 years as an ER and urgent care doctor, I haven't seen anyone come in with [capsaicin on their genitals]," Weinberg said by phone on Tuesday. "I don't know of a direct antidote. You could always use topical antihistamines or benzocaine, but that's not going to make it go away. Copious irrigation" — or watering the affected area — "is the best way to get rid of it." That said, capsaicin can be removed more effectively with dish soap, rubbing alcohol or fatty dairy products, like whole milk or yogurt.
But even though plenty of us have no doubt experienced the dreadful effects of accidentally touching our most sensitive areas with chili hands, we neither talk about it nor seek help. Weinberg chalks that up to "a large embarrassment factor." "People decide to deal with it instead of exposing themselves, as it were," he said.
We can certainly deal with an accidental capsaicin-on-the-genitals incident without rushing to the hospital, and can maybe even laugh about it later. Together, though, we can all avoid this hazard. Go forth and enjoy your peppers, but wear gloves or have yogurt ready. And seriously: if you think it's funny to put chili residue near someone else's genitals without that person's explicit consent, you can go straight to hell. You are a monster and hell is where you belong.
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I want to discuss something that I have never seen addressed in a women's magazine or in any book. It's a very real issue that affects many women. And that issue is getting hot pepper in your ladybits.
No, that's not a euphemism. I am talking about how, sometimes, from cooking, you or a partner gets hot pepper on her hand, and somehow it ends up in your vagina. Because this has happened to almost everyone I know, and it's really, really painful. (There's a reason this is a method of torture.)
When I say I "want" to discuss it, I use the term loosely, because, come on. But I do think it's an issue we need to get out in the open, if only to figure out the best way to deal with it because, I'm sorry, sometimes we don't all wear rubber gloves when handling chillis, even though we're supposed to, and it's really, really hard to get the capsaicin from a pepper off your hands, no matter how well you think you've washed them.
If the words "hot pepper" and "vagina" for some reason sound sexy in combination, l assure you: it ain't. (And it's not a coincidence that the first hits on a Google search are all about neutralizing the pain rather than pervy sexytimes.) Let me paint an unsexy picture for you. The dish was a Barefoot Contessa frittata. The culprit? A jalapeno. A tampon was changed. And then came the agony.
My boyfriend found me writhing in pain on the bed. "Jalapeno...in...vagina" I managed to gasp, and after he'd ascertained that this was not, in fact, another attempt at natural healing, he made a dash for the pantry.
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"You have to neutralize it!" he shouted, and, before I could see what he was about, proceeded to sprinkle my lower half liberally with Guittard cocoa powder.
I don't know where he got this idea. I think he must vaguely have had mole in mind. What I can tell you is that it didn't help.
"You have to use yogurt — you know, like raita," one friend said sagely when I delicately broached the subject a few days later.
"Vagisil doesn't work against a hot pepper," said another friend. "You just have to live with the agony."
"Nothing," said a third "is a bigger buzzkill in sex." She alluded to an unfortunate incident with a guy she'd briefly dated who worked in a jerk chicken restaurant.
An Internet search showed that my friend was right: whole-milk dairy — yogurt or milk both work — are a good way to neutralize the heat of such a situation. It also showed that this can be really bad — and that people were really abusive to adulterous women in ancient Greece — so, you know, go to the hospital if you're dealing with a Naga Viper, or even a habanero. And if you do, don't be embarrassed: you're in good company.
And even if you have the sneaking suspicion that this is not the sort of thing that ever happened to Audrey Hepburn, cheer up: at least you're not watching expensive cocoa powder get wasted while you're at it.
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