Vacuum Masturbation

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Jessica Lindsay Thursday 8 Nov 2018 1:53 pm
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As with many a morbid urban legend, the story starts off with someone’s madcap MacGyver masturbation technique.
Next thing the story’s protagonist knows, they’re ankle-deep in spermy blood and one limb lighter.
One morbid tale you may have heard of is the boy who masturbated with a vacuum cleaner.
He was always someone’s gran’s neighbour or a mate of someone the storyteller met at the pool table on holiday in Benidorm.
So, instead of trusting these shady/non-existent people, let Getting Freaky tell you all about it, and let you know if it’s fact or fiction.
Teenage boy is full of raging hormones and has exhausted the list of household items to put his penis inside. Teenage boy decides the suction pipe of the vacuum would be the ideal next step.
Teenage boy’s sexy machine-BJ dreams are then shattered by a feature in the vaccum to keep it unclogged; a spinning blade just inside the pipe.
The likelihood is this story was an urban legend which was re-popularised when Chuck Palahnuik’s 2001 book Choke came out.
Early on in the novel, the narrator speaks of urban legends, saying:
‘In the 1950s, a leading vacuum cleaner tried a little design improvement. It added a spinning propeller, a razor-sharp blade mounted a few inches inside the end of the vacuum hose.
‘Inrushing air would spin the blade, and the blade would chop up any lint or string or pet hair that might clog the hose. At least that was the plan.
‘What happened is a lot of these men raced to the hospital emergency room with their dicks mangled.’
The reality is that these vacuum cleaners did exist, and one German doctor did his PhD thesis on this very topic, presenting cases of men whose penises had been mangled by a certain brand of cleaner.
One article in the British Medical Journal in 1985 listed five men who’d found themselves inside a vacuum cleaner, all with disastrous consequences.
The particular model that seemed to be a common denominator in this entry had blades 15cm inside the hose, which is what caused the damage.
You may notice from your current model that – while present – the blades are much further inside the appliance than any penis would be able to go.
That is if you exclude handheld models, which may have a propeller placed closer to the pipe opening (but usually have safety features that make if very hard for an appendage to get in there).
Unless you’re doctoring household cleaners with blades, or you’re misusing the Wayne’s World Suck-Kut contraption, you shouldn’t be able to find anything that sharp in your suction device.
That doesn’t mean sticking your wang into a vacuum is anywhere near a good idea, though.
Depending on the level of suction your cleaner provides, it could leave you with blood blisters on your penis (or clitoris/labia if you’re using it to get the succ without inserting anything inside).
It could create so much friction that you actually tear your genitals.
Plus, if you have any sort of shock or sudden movement with your shaft inside the solid hose, there’s a risk of a penile fracture.
PLUS, if you do manage to ejaculate during, the wet liquid could be sucked up into the vacuum (electricals and water are not buddies).
Even those who’ve spoken online about ‘successfully’ masturbating with a vacuum hose say that it leaves your foreskin pucked and inflamed for a while afterwards.
There’s no truly positive outcome, and plenty of negative ones.
Also, try to refrain from using any other add-ons that attach to your vacuum to allow for easier and safer masturbation.
These products can reduce the amount of air getting into the vacuum, and cause the motor to overheat and potentially catch fire.
If you have a penis, why not try a Tenga Vacuum Cup Masturbator instead? It mimics the sucking feeling, comes pre-lubed, and won’t lop your dick off.
For those with clits, there are plenty of ways to use light suction or sonic pulsation on the clitoris to masturbate without the intensity, hygiene problems, and dangers of a vacuum.
The Lelo Sona Cruise or Satisfyer Pro2 stimulate and suck, and are approved for masturbatory use.
Failing that, just do a Marilyn Manson, get a few ribs removed surgically, and give yourself a blow job.
It’s oddly somehow less dangerous than using your vacuum.

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