Using A Banana As A Dildo
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31 COMMON HOUSEHOLD THINGS TO USE AS A DILDO
by Nma M December 05, 2018
Although there is a bustling sex toy market, many women first experiment with insertables that weren’t designed for sexual use. If you’re grabbed something from your local produce aisle or have at least considered buying it to use as a dildo to masturbate, you’re not alone.
PODCAST: USING A DILDO FOR MORE ORGASMS (& VIBRATORS TOO)
Before you dive into the guide below, you might want to have a listen the podcast I just finished recording on how to use your dildo for very intense and fulfilling orgasms. Note: Skip to 18:50 to where I start talking about using your dildo. The earlier part of the episode is all about using vibrators.
SAFETY CONSIDERATIONS WHEN YOU’RE WONDERING WHAT TO USE AS A DILDO
There are three main concerns when it comes to inserting things vaginally when you are trying to reach orgasm or even anally.
The vagina is a sensitive place with its own delicate pH. If you’ve ever had a bacterial or yeast infection, which can be uncomfortable, then you already know this. Sex toy manufacturers have also come to respect this, which is why you’ll see shelves lined with body-safe silicone, wood, ceramic, glass and stainless steel dildos and vibrators.
The one thing all those materials have in common is that they’re either non-porous or can be made that way with a coating. Porous materials contain tiny holes that aren’t visible to the human eye. Even after washing, they can harbor bacteria.
Most of the items that you might pick up to use as a makeshift dildo are porous, however. This includes wood, rubber and even fruits or vegetables. Without some form of gamma radiation, you cannot completely kill all the bacteria.
Consider this: that zucchini might still have traces of pesticide on it!
Another factor that can lead to infection is sugar, which is one main cause of yeast infections. This is why chocolate syrup is actually a bad idea, but it’s not just refined sugar that can be problematic. Fruit such as bananas contain natural sugars that may also cause yeast infection, so you’ll want to be smart when choosing things to use as a dildo.
You can reduce the chances of infection by wrapping a condom over your banana or vegetable.
Note: Using a peeled banana is dangerous as it can break and get stuck in your vagina. Never use a peeled banana.
Furthermore, items that might break, including wax candles, softer fruits or vegetables or even items made of glass are a bad idea. Although your cervix will stop anything from moving up into your uterus, you don’t want anything floating around that could cut you or cause a nasty infection!
Finally, when figuring out what to use as a dildo for replacing your man’s penis or your fingers, it’s important that you don’t choose an item that could be damaging to your vagina. Anything with sharp edges, creases of nubs has the potential to hurt you. This includes stems on vegetables. Certain varieties of squash and zucchini, for example, may not be smooth enough to safely use internally. If you’re picking out things to use as a dildo specifically, look for those that are smooth, without ridges and bumps that could possibly tear your vaginal lining and increase the risk of infection!
Again, a condom might help, but a particularly rough item might rip that, too.
WHAT ABOUT USING AN ‘ALTERNATIVE’ DILDO FOR ANAL?
The same concerns about porosity and bacterial infections exist, but there’s another consideration when it comes to using non-sex toys in your back door. Unlike the vagina, which has the cervix, the anus continues into the colon and then on to the lower intestine. Toys without a proper flared or wide base or handle can get sucked into the anus, which could lead to one of those embarrassing ER trips!
Assuming you find something that has a safely flared base or a looped handle, the only other thing you need to worry about is sanitation. Even condoms might not do the trick, so you’ll want to stick to nonporous items that can be safely sterilized with bleach or by boiling. In fact, you’re better off only using that item for pleasure after you stick it in the anal cavity!
SO WHAT CAN I USE AS A DILDO SAFELY…HERE’S 31 IDEAS…
Ok, here are 31 different things to use as a dildo….
(Just make sure to wrap them in a condom first)
You can also use smooth vegetables like a:
Just make sure to wrap these items in a condom to help prevent yeast infections or worse.
Out of all of these items, the ice is probably the safest, but it’s not for everyone and can be dangerous if you it’s too cold and sticks to your skin. You’ll hear about plenty of unsafe items being used, too, including peeled bananas, frozen hot dogs and vacuum attachments, which are just full of bacteria and can break apart and get stuck inside you! When considering what to use as a dildo, think beyond size and shape!
Many people have tried to use a water or soda bottle. This can potentially be safe, but you’ll have to thoroughly clean the bottle because bacteria can collect around the mouthpiece from use. A glass bottle with an especially narrow neck is probably the most safe and sanitary option, but there is a small chance that a suction effect could occur or worse, it could potentially break. So my advice is to avoid using a glass bottle where possible.
HOW TO SAFELY PLAY WITH MAKESHIFT DILDOS
We’ve already mentioned condoms several times for their ability to reduce the risk of infection, but they’re not the only safety precaution. Using soap and water or toy cleaner to clean and sterilize your makeshift dildo before inserting it is a must. If you can boil an item for several minutes or spray it with a 10% bleach solution and let it sit for a few minutes, you can sterilize it as long as it’s nonporous. Don’t forget to rinse it off!
Just like you want to use lube to ease insertion with an actual dildo, the same is recommended for any item around the house, especially if it’s going to cause you to stretch. You can buy water-based or silicone lubes from most Walgreen’s. You can also safely use pure coconut oil as a lube.
The same is true for olive oil. However, it will be more difficult to wash these oils from your vagina, hands and even the item you’re using to masturbate with than water-based lube. Furthermore, oil-based lubes can break down the condom you might be using to protect from infection.
Pure aloe or carrageenan can also be used for lubes, and you’ll find these as ingredients in many store-bought lubes, too. Stay away from butter and cooking materials that contain sugar, which can lead to yeast infections. Furthermore, baby oil is generally a bad idea for internal use because it contains mineral oil. Additionally, it’s important to understand that lotions or any item with scents can upset your vagina and lead to an infection, too.
There are a number of risks that you face if you look for things to use as a dildo that aren’t safe. And as embarrassing as it might be to shop for body-safe dildos, it’s even more embarrassing to show up in your local emergency room because you’re got an infection or injury from something that was never intended to be inserted in the first place. If you absolutely must use an alternative to a dildo, using a condom and common sense goes a long way.
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This year was no different — at least until my family sat down to binge-watch Making a Murderer. After I got in bed, my mind couldn’t stop wandering to Avery’s sexy, idealistic attorney Dean Strang. I went to pull out my box bullet — to finish the job my fingers started — when I made a very upsetting discovery: I had forgotten my vibrator. I was dildo-less. My orgasm, which moments ago seemed just within reach, suddenly became a ton of work.
Once home, that experience still fresh in my mind, I vowed I would never let it happen again. If I ever found myself sans sex toy, I would be prepared. I had to know how to masturbate with common household objects.
Before I started poring over my pantry, I reached out to Alyssa Dweck, M.D., an assistant clinical professor of Mount Sinai School of Medicine and a gynecologist in New York. She’s also the author of V is for Vagina, so she knows a thing or two about sticking weird things up there.
“People in general will use household items as dildos, but as a medical professional I cannot condone this because we must say safety first,” Dweck told me. “With that said, I’ve seen a lot of crazy things in the emergency room.”
You can't properly sanitize anything wooden, since it's too porous, Dweck warned. You also can't insert a food item into your vagina without a condom, because it can and will break down inside you and cause a retrieval infection.
Generally speaking, Dweck recommends that if you find yourself in a situation where you're toyless and need to 'bate, you should probably "rely on good old-fashioned hands and massage oil."
Clearly, a medical professional was not going to recommend weird objects with which to crush my cooch.
If you haven't been to Babeland, go: It's a treasure trove of sex toys and it's extremely female- and couple-friendly.
Cavanah told me: "People find ways to get off by themselves and with their lovers by repurposing household items all the time." She mentioned using wooden spoons as slappers and scarves as restraints. I took this as a sign I could go ahead with my plan. (Though she did point out that all of these things can do "unintended damage" and are far more dangerous than you might imagine).
But that doesn't mean everything you find at home is bad. Cavanah called firm, phallic vegetables and electric toothbrushes "the classics," but said the best solution was to take a long shower and use a handheld shower head. "Warm, rushing water feels great on the clit." She's right about that one; so right that I didn't need to test it because you already know it's the bomb.
Cavanah also said that when sexually aroused people "urgently want to come, then [they] make poor choices." That's what I'm here for: to make sure that when you're in a horny stupor, you make the least poor of the poor choices.
This fruit may be the “looks like a dick” standard, but it gets soft like one too. And even with a condom on it, you don’t want that mush falling apart in your vag. For a moment, though, I fully believed the curved top would stimulate my G-spot. Then I remembered that I don’t know where that is.
I’m not gonna lie: This is just what I had in the fridge. It’s like a white carrot, OK? I think it goes in soup? The parsnip definitely beats the banana because it did not fall apart inside the condom. I had trouble deciding which end to enter myself with, and ultimately decided on the pointy end. This was a poor decision.
Boys sometimes masturbate with fleshlights, so I thought it was only natural that I try the male counterpart: the flashlight. It felt…not good. I also got distracted using the flashlight for its intended purpose: to shine a light on my nether regions. I wasted a good 20 minutes sitting spread-eagle with a mirror and a flashlight. Although this is not technically masturbation, it was important, and I recommend everyone try it.
This was the best object yet in terms of feel and sizing for insertion. After talking to a doctor about potential issues in creating suction, though, I got nervous. I tried creating suction around my clit, which felt nice, but not nice enough to get the deed done, if you know what I’m saying.
Now we are talking. I personally do not use non-vibrating dildos to masturbate, so everything prior to the electronic toothbrush was mere child’s play. I don’t understand people who can masturbate by shoving objects inside themselves. If this works for you, please let me and the world know how in the comments.
Did I come? No, but I think given a two-hour window, I could.
The nice thing about the vibration function of the phone is that you can design your own vibration. For me, that’s a constant vibration. I set it up and then scheduled an alarm every minute for 15 minutes. It worked! Unfortunately, phones are not really designed for clitoral stimulation (please fix that for iPhone 7, Apple).
Did I come? No, but maybe I haven’t found my perfect pattern.
I attempted to use the Wii remote to masturbate during a game of Super Smash. Not only was the vibration power weak, but I kept losing, which made me angry. I did play with Captain Falcon, so if you are into cartoon characters with super erect nipples, that’s an added bonus to this method. Also, it looks like PlayStation’s DualShock control has a more powerful vibration, so if you’re between Nintendo, Xbox, and PlayStation, maybe that’s your deciding factor.
REMOVE THE BLADES! This device, which I deduced is used for cooking or something because I found it in a kitchen cabinet, had by far had the best vibration. Cons: You have to plug it in (what is this, the 1950s?), and it’s large and unwieldy. I would have given this 4 stars, but was forced to bump it down to 3 due to safety concerns.
None of these household objects really hold a candle to the real things. What you should do, and what I ultimately did, was go buy a portable sex toy so you're ready whenever you're feeling a little randy.
Babeland's Kavanah recommended these two discreet vibrators:
Peace, ladies, and happy muff buffing!
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With the electric toothbrush, you didn't orgasm? And it would take you two hours to accomplish it?? Are you sticking it in your ear or what?
Poor household items. This was not the job they signed up for.
I know you're supposed to take the blades out but the immersion blender is still a nope.
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