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Is He Using Me For Sex? 19 Clear Signs He Only Wants To Sleep With You








Tim Veninga






Last Updated:
July 15, 2022




Tim Veninga is a dating coach, relationship coach and bestseller author. He has been helping men and women get relationship succes since 2008. He started coaching in The Netherlands, where he is the owner & coach at the most significant Dutch dating advice website; mannengeheim.nl.

He’s a writer on relationships, love and social psychology. Speaker at universities, conferences and debates, like the University of Amsterdam, University of Utrecht and University of Nijmegen. He has been featured media like Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Marie Claire, Grazia & Elle. Since 2019 he has started writing in English on this website.

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tim@changehim.com




Located in Rotterdam, The Netherlands




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So what real (but sad) signs can you use to tell if a guy wants to date you or just sleep with you…
There are quite a lot of women who are afraid that a guy is using them for sex. And believe that a man only sees them as a toy.
And that’s often the case because many men only want women for sex.
I received the following question on email the other day:
“It feels like he only wants me for my body and for sex. How can I know for sure if our relationship is just physical?”
There are several things you can do when a guy only wants to see you for just one thing.
Most women believe that they can easily recognize these guys, they think…
But sometimes the guy is better at hiding his true intentions and won’t easily let you in on his true feelings about you.
For example, a man can be very kind to her, but still only want to get laid.
But it’s a lot easier to recognize these men when you know what to look for .
And to make that as easy as possible for you, I have made a simple checklist you can use right away to quickly find out his true intentions about you and your relationship.
In other words, to find out if he only sees you for just one thing, or if he actually likes you.
The first couple of times you went on dates together, but soon afterwards he only wanted to see you at his place or yours.
When you are home it’s always possible to have sex. And this way, he doesn’t have to put too much time and energy into it.
Many men often try to be as efficient as possible and to put as little energy into getting laid as possible, if they can.
But if a guy is genuinely interested in you and sees you as a potential girlfriend, then he would want to take you everywhere and do all kinds of activities with you. If he’s not? Then he only wants to meet up at home.
This is a very obvious one that you have to pay attention to.
When a man is in love, he wants to know everything there is to know about his woman. And this will of course not change after the first time they had sex.
He wants to find out about her history, her past experiences, and all the things that she does to keep her busy every day.
In other words, he is genuinely interested in her personality and what’s going on in her life.
There is no need to instantly worry if the guy doesn’t seem interested in you, but it does raise some suspicions and it’s definitely something to keep an eye out for.
Look for more of the other signs in this article if you can recognize more of them in him, his behavior, and his actions , not what he says to you .
Does he only compliment you on your looks and never asks you anything about your personality? Then it’s a clear sign that he is not interested in getting to know you, and you’re not valued very highly by him.
It’s one way to tell if a guy wants to date you or just sleep with you.
When you send him playful and flirty messages, he responds immediately.
But when you send him normal everyday messages, his responses are always very short, or worse, he doesn’t respond at all.
He does this to keep the interaction playful and flirty. When you exchange normal messages with information about what you both did during the day, the communication you have will start to feel more like a real relationship.
So he avoids the asexual and everyday messages.
If you can see this pattern in your chat history with him, then it’s not a good sign.
When you ask him what his feelings are about you, or where he sees your relationship go – he never gives you a clear answer .
So he tells you a vague answer that doesn’t tell reveal his true feelings for you. It’s his way of rationalizing it to himself afterwards:
But in the meantime, he continues to give you false hopes of having a real relationship that will never happen .
Because when a guy uses a woman for just one thing, he pretty much already knows that it’s going to be temporary and that there is no future together.
If he never wants to spend the night or lets you stay over – then his thoughts about you are very clear. Especially if you only meet up late in the evening.
This behavior could of course happen occasionally, but when it’s always the same story… then it’s obvious that he doesn’t really like spending time with you, and is only seeing you for one thing.
The same applies to men who always have to get up early the next day.
And I don’t mean guys who get up at 8 o’clock, but those guys who suddenly have to get up at 5 or 6 o’clock because they have something important to do. Like “helping a friend move” . Yeah… right.
The only reason why he wants to get up that early is because he wants to leave your place and avoid being seen by anyone that might know him. The only thing he’ll do is get right back to bed once he gets home.
If you recognize this, you can safely assume that he is only seeing you to get laid.
Somehow he always manages to give a sexual twist to every conversation, no matter what you’re talking about.
Even if you were to tell him that you just got promoted, he wouldn’t be able to help to say something like:
“That promotion will look nice with that gorgeous body of yours.”
 When every dialog is like that, and it’s never any form of deeper conversation topics, it’s pretty obvious he doesn’t care about you.
Men sometimes want to have a great serious and in-depth conversations with the woman he’s seeing. So if that never happens, he clearly thinks that you are not a qualified person to do this with.
If he only wants to meet up after 9 pm, it means that he has other priorities in his life that comes before you.
If a man is genuinely interested in you, he wants to spend time with you.
But when a guy only wants you for sex, and doesn’t like you that much – then he prefers to only meet up with you late in the evening.
Because bedtime approaches a lot faster and he doesn’t need to hang out with you as much.
Plus he doesn’t have to invest his entire evening just to get laid, he can prioritize all other things and still have sex.
Here is a question for you: When was the last time he made you feel special?
Because when a man really likes his woman he will – at least during the first two years – continue to do his best for her.
This brings us to the next question:
Did he only make an effort at the beginning of your relationship or is he still making an effort for you?
This might be painful, but please be honest.
You deserve a man who will make you feel special, and who doesn’t just want a physical relationship.
There are various reasons why a man pulls away and become distant. It is possible that he is distant because he only wants you for sex.
By pulling away he prevents himself from becoming emotionally attached to you. This also means that he’s likely seeing other women.
I admit this sounds bad and it actually is.
If this is the case, you do best in getting rid of him as soon as possible.
Because no woman deserves to be treated like this.
You’re all excited to see him and spend time with him again.
But when you meet and you start talking about your day or things that excites you, it’s almost like he doesn’t listen at all.
It’s usually not a good sign when you cannot reach a guy for days until you suddenly receive a message out of nowhere.
When a man is crazy about you he wants to:
But if you don’t hear anything from him for days until he suddenly asks if he can come over late one evening…
If a guy is not interested in a woman for more than just one thing, then he won’t kiss or cuddle with her without planning to getting it all the way.
Because he’ll see it as pointless. As a waste of time.
So it can be good to ask yourself how he kisses you.
And also how he reacts if you’d just kiss him without taking it any further…
When a man is in a relationship with a woman he often wants to take his time with her in the bedroom. Slowly touching her, kissing her and so on…
Because he genuinely likes her and enjoys the foreplay.
But if he just wants her for her body then foreplay is often going to be extremely short or if not completely nonexistent.
The sex itself can also often be very unromantic, robotic and without any affection.
Lovemaking between a couple who love each other will often be very romantic and affectionate with lots of eye contact, holding hands, kissing and so on.
So he’s more concerned about just be done with it then he’s more likely to just turn her on her stomach in an almost a robotic fashion.
Some men love sex and always want to show the woman what he’s capable of. No matter who they’re with in the bedroom.
But others are not as concerned with this, especially if it’s with a woman that they don’t value as highly.
“Well if I’m only seeing her for sex anyways, then what’s the point of giving her my best effort?”
Because they don’t really care about her or her feelings.
The problem with this is that if she doesn’t get anything out of it, then she’ll not want to see him again.
So he has to do give her something…
He stays right on the limit, where he gets the release that he wants, but also makes sure that she is at least reasonably satisfied to keep the relationship intact.
Otherwise he has to find another woman and that’s too much work.
This might sound crazy and I hope that you have never experienced this.
But some men don’t have the guts to just leave after they’ve had sex with a woman, so they take a shower instead to avoid the entire afterplay part (talking & cuddling together).
This is of course all for one reason: He got what he wanted now he’s doing his best to avoid you.
Many people of course like to shower after they’ve had sex to clean themselves up a bit, and that’s fine.
But does he immediately jump into the shower every single time without you having any small talk or cuddle afterwards?
Then he’s doing it because he can’t stand to do anything with you other than sleeping with you.
You never meet up in the afternoon, have a coffee or lunch together.
No, it’s always in the evening and only when it’s possible to have sex that evening.
If you’re lucky he might go along with watching a movie, or having a glass of wine beforehand. But it always ends up the same way and that’s exactly what his plan is.
A man can also absolutely love having sex with a woman because the sex is in itself amazing, but then completely dislike her personality so he never intends to move the relationship forwards and actually have a relationship with her.
If so then it’s better to look at how much he cares about getting to know your personality.
Some men just literally tell a woman that they don’t want a relationship and only want a casual relationship.
But many women still think that if they stay with him long enough he will eventually change and want to have a real relationship.
Okay, this might occasionally happen in some extremely rare cases.
But the majority of these men are not looking for any kind of serious relationship.
So when he says this to you, you can settle for a few options:
But whatever you do… Don’t stay with him hoping it might work out and develop into something more, because if he really liked you , he would have never put you in this position in the first place.
Unless he’s suffering from trauma or is having a fear of commitment , then you can read here how to conquer the commitment phobic man.
The majority of men who use a woman for sex , will not contact her when she is having her period.
When he finds out the date of your first period he will suddenly turn into a ninja who knows exactly when your next period is.
During that time you “accidentally” don’t hear anything from him.
Yes, I know how ironic this is. Because when men are in a relationship that can’t even remember their partner’s birthday or wedding day. But when it comes to sex? Then some guys suddenly have a super memory and are excellent planners.
Again, not all men are like that. But there are many men who are very good at this and keep track of this in detail.
So if you notice that he never speaks to you when you are having your period, then he has probably figured when your period is and is doing his best to avoid it. Which is very easy to spot.
When you have been dating for some time it may occasionally happen that you are tired, don’t feel like it, or that you have to get up early the next day.
In other words, you want to just get some rest.
If a guy really likes you, he will accept this. I won’t say that he will like it, but he’ll live with it.
But when a man only sees you to get laid, then this will irritate him. He might even get a bit angry because you “ruined” his evening.
To be honest, he prefers to avoid all the things you would normally do in a relationship. He will refrain from anything that slightly feels like a real relationship.
Most guys want to take it slow with a woman they just started dating, and some men don’t like to hold hands.
It could be because he’s ashamed to be seen with you, or what his friends, colleagues or family will think about him if he sees you together.
It’s pretty cold but a typical example of this is a guy who has a one-night stand with a less than ideal woman, and then keeps seeing her afterwards just to get laid sometimes in “secret” from his friends.
I’ll teach you one thing about guys and sex:
You look at how much he cares about you and getting to know your real personality. How much of an effort he does for you. And if he genuinely likes to spend time with you and wants do fun activities with you.
I’m sorry to break it to you sweetheart but he just doesn’t like you that much.
If you want to become more than a toy for him to use then I suggest you try to do some fun activities outside the bedroom (which he is likely to reject unfortunately). But if he just doesn’t like you, then it’s better to move on and look for a better man that would love to do all the fun and exciting relationship things with you.
That can have to do with two things.
A) If you’re going after men that are just a terrible choice to begin with, then you’re pretty much doomed to fail from the start. Let’s take players for example. A player is very good at generating attraction and getting a woman to like him, because he has done it hundreds of times with other women before you.
So you can learn how to spot them and to deal with them.
B) You might be doing something that drive men away. This can be extremely hard to figure out on your own. But then I recommend that you check out this article with 7 honest reasons why men just want sex, not a relationship with a woman .
A lot of the time it means that the guy doesn’t value you highly and you’re better off without him. If you’re looking for the real thing.
Don’t settle for being with a guy who treats you badly and less than you deserve.
You deserve a great guy who loves you and would be thrilled to do all the relationship things together with you, not just watch movies at home at 9pm.
PS: If you want guys to see you as relationship material or if you want to attract the right guy, that all starts with your first interaction with him. Which is why I created a small report called “The 5 most common texting mistakes that women make that scare guys away.” Click here to receive it now for free .
Hi your right, I’m a 60-year-old and all I get is guys wanting to have sleep with me on the first date… I was with a guy for 3 years on and off, but he told me that’s all he wanted after seeing him a few times but by then I was hooked. But because I had no one else I went along with it for the company I guess… but felt like trash every time I left his place… he never kissed me, never cared for me, but we talked for hours about everything and listened and talked to music… I knew he was using me. All the signs above were present, but I just couldn’t stop, till one day I decided I’m worth more than this and told him I’m not coming anymore… it’s hard for us especially when you’re a bit older, men think you out there looking for it as well. We just want love and affection, commitment and support…
Thank you for confirming my previous relationship with a man I knew from his working with my husband several years ago. I had an attraction to him and after three years of each of us being legally separated from our partners we had a whirlwind sexual relationship together. I realize from your posts that it was only for the sex he wanted from me. Now I feel used abused and that he just wanted to get back at my ex by screwing his wife
This was the best summ up I have reqd on that topic. It is true on everything. Even if it is painful to admit.
Been talking to my sons former military recruiter. He’s married, but separated. Anyhow he recently moved out of the country (work) and I’ll be visiting very soon.
See I understand it maybe sexual between us, and that’s okay. But when he makes little comments about having me in his life or how special I am to him. I feel he maybe trying to hard its makes it really hard for me to believe him when I feel he thinks that’s what I wanna hear. If he just wants sex then why make un necessary comments. I feel like telling him he doesn’t have to say that.
Thank you Tim !
You helped me figure out if he really was using me
He was sneaky
he made sure I always slept over, I went to his work
He told his best friend about me and asked who I told about him and what they thought of him
But other than that, except the periods, we are 52 and he is 55 all 15 are true I dumped him a few weeks ago for the fifth time
I really liked him but he’s a true narcissist he lied, cheated, never answered my texts for days when he’s out of town never took me to eat always made false promises I had two embarrassing sexual diseases tests he scared me
On top of it he’s an er doc and addicted to porn he will sleep with anyone
Thank God I got out thanks Tim !!
This is my first rodeo with a simp guy and just having some casual fun.
when I
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