Understanding Bdsm

⚡ ALL INFORMATION CLICK HERE 👈🏻👈🏻👈🏻

Understanding Bdsm

Edition US UK Australia Brasil Canada Deutschland India Japan Latam
California residents can opt out of "sales" of personal data.











Tap to play or pause GIF
Tap to play or pause GIF











Forget Fifty Shades of Grey . Here’s your real primer on all things kink.
BDSM includes bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism & masochism (S&M). The terms are lumped together that way because BDSM can be a lot of different things to different people with different preferences, BDSM writer and educator Clarisse Thorn, author of The S&M Feminist , tells BuzzFeed Life. Most of the time, a person's interests fall into one or two of those categories, rather than all of them.
Most people think BDSM is always tied to sex, and while it can be for some people, others draw a hard line between the two. "Both are bodily experiences that are very intense and sensual and cause a lot of very strong feelings in people who practice them, but they're not the same thing," says Thorn. The metaphor she uses for it: a massage. Sometimes a massage, however sensual it feels, is just a massage. For others, a rubdown pretty much always leads to sex. It's kind of similar with BDSM; it's a matter of personal and sexual preference.
This is one of the most common and frustrating misconceptions about BDSM, says Thorn. BDSM isn't something that emerges from abuse or domestic violence, and engaging in it does not mean that you enjoy abuse or abusing.
Instead, enjoying BDSM is just one facet of someone's sexuality and lifestyle. "It's just regular people who happen to get off that way," sex expert Gloria Brame, Ph.D., author of Different Loving , tells BuzzFeed Life. "It's your neighbors and your teachers and the people bagging your groceries. The biggest myth is that you need this special set of circumstances. It's regular people who have a need for that to be their intimate dynamic."
"A lot of people starting out think it's 'all or nothing,' especially if you've only been with one partner," says Thorn. For instance, you might think that because you enjoyed being submissive under certain circumstances, that means you must agree to a whole host of submissive or masochistic behaviors that you're not necessarily into.
But that's absolutely wrong. You can — and should — pick and choose which BDSM activities you are and are not interested in, says Thorn. And that can vary depending on the situation, the partner, or even the day. Just remember that consent is a requirement in BDSM , and it's possible to consent to one thing while still objecting to another.
"In my experience, it's easier for people to get into BDSM if they don't have a history of abuse, people who are in a more stable place in their lives," says Thorn. A 2008 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that people who had engaged in BDSM in the past year were no more likely to have been coerced into sexual activity and were no more likely to be unhappy or anxious than those who didn't do BDSM. And actually, men who engaged in BDSM had lower scores of psychological distress than other men.
That said, BDSMers do not judge people who aren't into it, explains Thorn. The term "vanilla" isn't meant to be derogatory, just to refer to non-BDSM sexual acts or people who aren't interested in kink.
If you ever find yourself at a BDSM meet-up or dungeon, don't mention any shade of grey. While some people appreciate that the books spurred more interest in kink and may have made it less stigmatized, others take issue with the abusive, unhealthy relationship it portrays and the seriously unrealistic scenes. All in all, it is not an accurate representation of the BDSM community.
Sure, some S&M enthusiasts might have these in their arsenal, but it's definitely not everyone's cup of kink. "Some people go for what's called 'sensual dominance,' which is where there might be some toys or play but no pain involved at all," says Brame. "It's more like one partner agrees to do everything the other person asks. BDSM doesn't have to follow any pattern, and there is no one model for what a BDSM relationship can be."
Again, since it isn't always about intercourse, you wouldn't necessarily say that you "had sex" or "hooked up" with someone after a BDSM experience. Instead, these are called scenes (like, you scened with someone or you had a scene).
"It's an evolution from a time where, if you did S&M, you might only do it with a professional for an hour, or you might just see it performed at a BDSM club," says Brame. "Now people have much more organic relationships, but they still call it a scene — the time when we bring out the toys or get into that headspace."
So you've probably heard about dominants and submissives (if not, the dominant enjoys being in charge, while the submissive enjoys receiving orders). But BDSMers may also use the terms "tops" and "bottoms" to describe themselves. A top could refer to a dominant or a sadist (someone who enjoys inflicting pain), while a bottom could refer to a submissive or a masochist (someone who enjoys receiving pain). This allows you to have a blanket term for those who generally like being on either the giving or receiving end in a BDSM encounter. And there's no rule that says you can't be both dominant and submissive in different circumstances or with different partners.
Maybe the thought of being tied up excites you, or you enjoy spanking or being spanked. Or maybe you're more interested in leather masks and nipple clamps and hot wax. All of that (and obviously a lot more) is within the realm of BDSM. Basically, you can still be into kink without actually ever going to a dungeon.
Using a blindfold or an ice cube or fuzzy handcuffs you got at a bachelorette party are all relatively harmless beginner behaviors if you're into them. But before you play around with some of the trickier tools, you need to learn how to do so safely. Even a rope or a whip can be dangerous if you don't know what you're doing.
Hell, you can even mess up with your own hands (think: fisting): "[Some people] think they can clench a fist and stick it inside somebody," says Brame. "That's a good way to really injure someone and send them to the hospital." (Instead, she suggests an "enormous amount of lubricant" and starting with two or three fingers, then slowly and carefully building up to the whole hand.)
If you're one of those people who throws away the directions and tries to build the bookshelf on intuition alone, BDSM is probably not for you. "I would say the vast majority of what we call BDSM education is how to maximize ecstasy and minimize risk," says Brame. "How to do all the things you fantasized about doing and to do them safely."
While there's no one required reading list, there seem to be a few favorites that are often recommended to beginners, like SM 101 by Jay Wiseman, Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns , by Phillip Miller and Molly Devon, and The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton. [Editor's note: Have others you'd suggest? Please add them in the comments!]
Classes, conferences, and meet-ups are also helpful for learning specific techniques, says Thorn. Another popular resource is FetLife.com, a Facebook-like network for the kink community, which can connect you with message boards, groups, and classes in your area.
One mistake many people make when first experimenting with BDSM is relying on one person to show them the way. Even if they do have your best interest at heart (and they might not), it can be limiting to only have one perspective on something that is so multidimensional, says Thorn. Instead, seek out books, workshops, meet-ups, mentors, friends, message boards, and more to find a safe place to explore your interests.
"When you can't talk about what's happening and you can't make sense of your experience with like-minded people, that's way more dangerous than the variety of activities you might fantasize about," says Thorn.
It might sound cheesy, but it's a well-established norm in BDSM. (And hey, your safe word could actually be "cheesy" if you want. You do you.) "Safe words are probably one of the most important norms that have spread across the community, even if people use them in different ways," says Thorn. For instance, not everyone uses safe words all the time after a while, but it's important to start out with them. They can essentially be anything you want, as long as it's something that you wouldn't normally say during sex. You can find more info about safe words here .
"Dungeon monitors will kick out people who don't look like they're playing safely," says Brame. This can be anything from ignoring safe words to using a whip incorrectly. Seriously, did we mention that safety is paramount here? In fact, the acronym SSC (safe, sane, consensual) is one of the most common pillars of the practice.
Whenever people question the role of consent in BDSM, they should consider the enormous amount of communication that occurs before, during, and after the scenes. "We talk about it hugely before we ever do it," says Brame. "We talk about what we want to do, what we're going to do, what our fantasies are… that's part of negotiating a good relationship as a BDSMer."
Getting swept up in the moment and accidentally stumbling into a millionaire's red room (where you'll have multiple orgasms) is probably not going to happen to you ever. But, that's not necessarily a bad thing. "The sexual fantasy makes everything look so easy," says Brame. "People who actually do this stuff are very cautious about it. It has to be the right place and right time and right equipment. And you have to know you can get the person out [of whatever bondage] if there's an emergency. You have to feel you can trust the person." So there's a lot that goes into one scene, but that doesn't mean it's any less satisfying for those who enjoy it.
Think of this as the primer before the scene. "It's a way of discussing the experience ahead of time that can increase emotional security," says Thorn. This can involve anything from scripts and checklists to a more informal discussion of what each person's expectations are for the scene, what they want and don't want, and any words or actions that are completely off-limits.
Since BDSM can be an incredibly intense and emotional experience for some, most experts strongly suggest this wrap-up step, where the partners can discuss the scene and any reactions they had to it. "People are extremely vulnerable during aftercare," says Thorn. "It can be really weird to have a scene without it." This can also be a strong bonding experience between the partners.
Not everyone who's interested in BDSM has multiple sexual or relationship partners. "It used to be a popular perception that we don't form long-term relationships," says Brame. "A lot of BDSMers are just monogamous people. A lot of people just want to do it with their partner or play with the big toys at clubs."
This is not a one-size-fits-all kink. There are light floggers, leather whips, whips with single tails, whips with multiple tails that are flat and wide, the list goes on, says Thorn. But because certain types can be harsher than others, you really need to learn how to use them properly (again, workshops are crucial). "People practicing with a single-tail whip will often start with a pillow or some distant small object, like a light switch," she says.
Like, um, the eyes, obviously. Or the kidney area. "The skin is thin there and you have vital organs under there. You can bruise your kidneys," explains Brame.
"There are plenty of stories out there of people who were too nervous to bring it up and then found out that their partner had the same fantasy," says Thorn. If you're nervous about it, ask if they'd be interested in checking out a particular book or workshop you heard about. Or just talk about it in the context of sexual fantasies by asking your partner if they've ever tried anything like BDSM or if they've ever wanted to. If you think about it, you're only risking one awkward conversation, and the payoff can be huge if this is something you want in your life.
Buy this latex catsuit from BrightAndShinyLatex on Etsy for $174+ .
Maybe you're worried that your gynecologist or your lawyer won't be sensitive to your lifestyle or doesn't allow you to feel comfortable talking about it. Check out the Kink Aware Professionals Directory from the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom to find someone who will be more accepting.
Between stereotypes, porn, and Fifty Shades of Grey , there's a lot of misconceptions about BDSM. Short of attending a workshop or visiting a dominatrix , the best way to learn more about it is to do some research. "Just like with regular sex, if you want to be good at it, you really have to learn about what's going on when this stuff is happening," says Brame.
Casey Gueren is a senior health editor for BuzzFeed News and is based in New York.
Got a confidential tip? Submit it here

A Very Sexy Beginner's Guide to BDSM Words
We talked to the men who've made jacking off into a communal bonding experience.
Get Your Questions Answered by Experts in the GQ Wellness Newsletter
Will be used in accordance with our Privacy Policy .
A Very Useful Guide to Sexy Spanking
How to Have a Successful Threesome, According to People Who Have a Lot of Them
Since 1957, GQ has inspired men to look sharper and live smarter with its unparalleled coverage of style, culture, and beyond. From award-winning writing and photography to binge-ready videos to electric live events, GQ meets millions of modern men where they live, creating the moments that create conversations.
To revisit this article, visit My Profile, then View saved stories .
To revisit this article, select My Account, then View saved stories
The world of BDSM contains not only its own sex acts (Is smelling a foot sex? Sure, if it gets you off!), but its own highly-robust vocabulary, too. Since all that terminology can be intimidating for newcomers, let’s start with the basics: “BDSM” stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism—the core pillars of kinky fun. Beyond that, there’s a whole language to describe the consensual power exchange practices that take place under the BDSM umbrella . Whatever you're into, just make sure to snuggle and practice lots of aftercare when it's all said and done, especially if anyone involved is a painslut and needs ice after some impact play.
At press time, “kink” is not a language you can learn on Duolingo, so here’s a handy glossary of some of the most common BDSM terms, from A to Z.
A is for Aftercare Aftercare is the practice of checking in with one another after a scene (or “play session,” a.k.a., the time in which the BDSM happens) to make sure all parties feel nice and chill about what just went down. The dominant partner may bring the submissive ice for any bruises, but it’s important to know that aftercare involves emotional care as well as physical. BDSM releases endorphins, which can lead to both dominants and submissives experiencing a “drop.” Aftercare can help prevent that. There’s often cuddling and always conversation; kinksters need love too.
B is for Bondage Bondage is the act of tying one another up. In most cases the dominant partner is restraining the submissive using ropes, handcuffs, Velcro, specialty hooks, clasps, or simply a belt if you’re on a budget.
C is for Cuckold We can’t let the alt-right ruin the term “cuck” for us. Traditionally, a cuck is a man who enjoys, often for submissive and erotic humiliation reasons, watching another man have sex with his wife. In a cuckolding scene, the other man invited to have sex with the wife is a “bull.” Female cucks are referred to as “cuck queens,” but people of all genders can be cucks.
D is for D/S D/S refers to dominance and submission, the crux of a BDSM relationship. While kinky people can be on a spectrum (see: “ Switch ”), typically you’re either dominant or submissive. If you take away one fact from this guide, it should be that even though the dominant partner in D/S relationship may be slapping, name-calling, and spitting on the submissive, BDSM and D/S relationships are all about erotic power exchange, not one person having power over another. The submissive gets to set their boundaries, and everything is pre-negotiated. The submissive likes getting slapped (see also: “Painslut”).
E is for Edgeplay Edgeplay refers to the risky shit—the more taboo (or baddest bitch, depending on who you’re talking to) end of the spectrum of BDSM activities. Everyone’s definition of edgeplay is a little different, but blood or knife play is a good example. If there’s actually a chance of real physical harm, it’s likely edgeplay. Only get bloody with a partner who knows what they’re doing without a doubt and has been tested for STIs. You don’t have to get maimed to enjoy BDSM.
F is for Foot Fetish One of the most common fetishes out there, a foot fetish is an attraction—often a need—for feet. Foot fetishists may enjoy worshiping a foot, kissing it, smelling it, massaging it, getting a footjob, licking it, sucking on toes, or ( actually ) getting stepped on.
G is for Golden Showers A golden shower is when you lovingly shower your partner with your piss. It’s high time for the BDSM community to reclaim this word from Donald Trump , who, may I remind you, allegedly paid sex workers to pee on a bed that Obama slept in out of spite. This is not the same thing as a golden shower. Kink is for smart people.
H is for Hard Limits Hard limits are sexual acts that are off-limits. Everyone has their own, and you have to discuss these boundaries before any BDSM play. Use it in a sentence: “Please do not pee on me; golden showers are one of my hard limits.”
I is for Impact Play Impact play refers to any impact on the body, such as spanking , caning, flogging, slapping, etc.
J is for Japanese Bondage The most well-known type of Japanese bondage is Shibari, in which one partner ties up the other in beautiful and intricate patterns using rope. It’s a method of restraint, but also an art form.
K is for Knife Play Knife play is, well, knife sex. It’s considered a form of edgeplay (our parents told us not to play with knives for a reason.) If you do play with knives, do it with someone who truly respects you and whom you trust. Often knife play doesn’t actually involve drawing blood, but is done more for the psychological thrill, such as gliding a knife along a partner’s body to induce an adrenaline rush. Call me a prude, but I wouldn’t advise it on a first Tinder date.
L is for Leather The BDSM community enjoys leather as much as you’d expect. Leather shorts, leather paddles, and leather corsets are popular, although increasingly kinky retailers provide vegan options for their animal-loving geeks.
M is for Masochist A masochist is someone who gets off on receiving sexual pain.
N is for Needle Play Also a form of edgeplay (blood!), needle play means using needles on a partner. Hopefully those needles are sterile and surgical grade. Don’t do this with an idiot, please. Most professional dommes have clients who request or are into needle play. It can involve sticking a needle (temporarily) through an erogenous zone such as the nipple or... BACK AWAY NOW IF YOU'RE QUEASY... the shaft of the penis.
O is for Orgasm Denial You know how sexual anticipation is hot AF? Orgasm denial is next-level sexual anticipation for those who love a throbbing clit or a boner that’s been hard forever just dying to get off—which is to say, almost everyone. The dominant partner will typically bring the submissive close or to the brink of orgasm, then stop. Repeat
Backpage Escort Bay Area
Escorts In Colorado Springs
Escort Geneve