Uncut Russian Men
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My Russian Boyfriend — Dating Western Men vs. Russian Men
Because there are large numbers of Russian and Ukrainian women seeking partners abroad, some observers assume that Slavic ladies dislike local men.
It’s not entirely true. Eastern European women exploring options of dating internationally are fond of Slavic men, they simply cannot find the one who fits their portrait of a good partner and at the same time likes them back.
Even western women find Russian men charming and feel they have a lot to offer, which they would love to find in their partners locally. (We are never happy with what we are getting, are we?)
Diana Bruk is a young American woman who was born in Russia and moved to the Big Apple at the age of 5 with her family. She grew up in the States but due to her heritage speaks fluent Russian.
Her confession about dating Russian men is a must read for anyone wondering about courtship customs and rituals in the countries of the post-USSR.
“I love (and hate) dating Russian men“, states Diana, and then goes on to explain why. “The macho guys from my home country leave me torn between my feminist beliefs and my sexual desires.”
“I love (and hate) dating Russian men”, says a young female writer from America.
Her story begins with the description of a fight for “her honour” by a Russian boyfriend, because in the midst of a drunken party, another guy tried to touch her.
In Russia, it is expected from a male to physically defend his lady, or be considered a coward. After the fight, covered in blood (!), the boyfriend approached his shaking American dame demanding explanations as to what she did that a strange guy felt comfortable enough to grab her, and why did she talk to another chap without his outright permission.
Both drinking and violence are the core reasons why there are 106 boys to 100 girls at birth in Russia, and only 86 males to 100 females in the total population.
“If he hits you, that means he loves you,” quotes Diana her mother’s saying, the old-fashioned Slavic belief, which is the reason why domestic violence in Russia is still widely underreported — as well as most other forms of physical assault, making it a “norm” rather than a crime.
Calling her relationship with Russian men “convoluted”, the daring New-Yorker goes on describing the peculiarities of the local dating etiquette.
The liberal arts graduate decided to explore her homeland by living there, and temporarily moved to Russia in 2010. To provide for herself, she was teaching English in St. Petersburg.
“The first thing that you’ll notice when you get to Russia is that the women are astoundingly beautiful and immaculately presented”, she says.
I would add, especially in capitals such as Moscow or Piter (the affectionate nickname of Saint Petersburg). Just like in western capitals, people tend to dress up more.
For Russian girls working out to achieve the perfect body is a way to attract and keep a boyfriend or husband.
“If you tell them [St. Petersburg’s ladies] you pluck your own eyebrows and only get a facial once a month, [they] will look at you as though you have just clawed your way out of a swamp,” confesses Bruk.
I can attest to that. Beauty is huge in Russia. I would say, Slavic girls believe that for a female beauty is everything. And the main reason why it is important is to attract and keep a boyfriend or a husband.
“Women in Russia are hardly ever seen without high heels or makeup and are always proud of their sensuality and appearance,” writes Tammy Dray in her article for Match.com.
(Today young girls are wearing flats more often and style “casual” incorporating torn jeans and Converse sneakers is becoming a new fashion fad, so you may not see Russian ladies in compulsory high heels for much longer.)
“These insurmountable standards of beauty can largely be credited to the fact that there are more women than men,” admits Bruk.
“Russian men are patriarchal alpha males,” insists she, declaring openly that at first it is a huge turn-on.
The social responsibility of males to provide for their females is not only materialistic in the former Soviet Union, states she, but more alike paternal duty, where a woman is looked after by someone responsible for her, because it’s his moral obligation and delight.
Bruk also expresses her surprise at “disintegration of male hygiene and work ethics”, citing the poor gender ratios as the reason. From the same book, rape is something that “happens”, and is accepted as a fact of life, not a social problem, she recounts.
Why? The roots are in the hunter-prey dating model, prescribing to males to push to the limit.
“You do not meet a Russian man, you are chosen by one,” proclaims Bruk.
I have been trying to bring this idea home for years, but she expressed it so much better. Post-USSR women are brought up to be passive, display themselves, and let men approach, otherwise you are not “modest”, which is what all guys want in their girlfriends (according to the local beliefs).
In Diana’s words, if a Russian guy likes you, nothing can stop him. You would think it is stalking, they think it’s being persistent.
“Russian men act like your boyfriend from the very beginning,” she writes.
Girls, apparently, are used to relentless pursuits, and unless they feel you are putting “all in”, they are not convinced that you are really interested.
Russians believe in the hunter-prey dating model, where a male pursues the female.
You can see how it works on our site, if you feel that none of you is convinced about the other’s attraction: You because she doesn’t display any encouragement validating your interest, and she because you are not completely overwhelming her with the might of your desire to concur.
According to the hunter-prey dating model that is accepted as a statute in Russia, the lady has to resist advances for as long as she can (usually not for long, due to the overpowering siege by the male).
“Russian men are quintessential gentlemen on first dates,” writes Bruk. ” They bring flowers and little gifts… They open the door for you and pull out your chair.” And they always pay for the dates. There is no splitting the check.
Even true-to-the-core feminists apparently can live with men paying for them, if this is a “custom”.
“If a man insists on paying I’ll let him,” states Shannon, another American woman, writing about Russia. However, she doesn’t want to be a toy for her man, and says while she had Slavic male friends, she never had a Russian boyfriend.
Love making with Russian men is more passionate, an American girl believes.
“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a woman wants a man who’s a gentleman at dinner and an animal in bed. … This the Russian man understands,” writes the New York feminist born in the USSR.
Maybe brutal love making and total disregard to his partner’s feelings (and satisfaction) is attractive to someone who is used to gentle care, but I would stick to my opinion that the majority of Russian men are not as skilled in the bedroom department as their western counterparts, who took time to learn a thing or two about female pleasure.
The downside of the powerful male taking what he wants? Bruk admits that Russian men still follow the egotistical mentality that “sex is a favor that women do for men”, which means that if a girl enjoys sex, she is looked at as a nymphomaniac.
Russian men expect oral sex but will not return the favor, the New York author corroborates.
Diana believes that Russian men have an “inherent sense of commitment”, which means, having sex and just be friends is not something an indigenous alpha-male would approve upon.
Russian men are quick to commit to a relationship.
One thing that makes it crystal clear is the language.
“Russian doesn’t have a word for girlfriend, only wife and bride, so men approximate by saying “my girl,” “my bride,” or the English transliteration of girlfriend,” writes she.
This explains the surprising to the westerners desire of Slavic women to find a “husband” and not just date. There is no word for “dating” in Russian either. There is a word for introductions, and after that it is a relationship.
The answer to Diana’s question posed to her local students as to how long a couple should date until deciding to move in together was, “If he likes her, 1 day”.
“It’s obviously a case of emotional intensity,” concludes the American writer — the point I have been endorsing since the early 2000’s. It’s not the time. It’s now intense your relationship is that convinces the woman that she is safe to entrust you her heart and her Destiny.
Cheating is considered a normal thing by Russian men.
Yes, for Russian men cheating on their girlfriends is not just normal, it’s expected and a matter of honour. A man who never cheated on his second half is looked at with disdain, including his one-and-only (is he not man enough?).
Having a “wandering penis” (what an epithet) wasn’t something that a young feminist from New York could manage, although this isn’t the main reason she is no longer into dating comrades from her native land.
“Russian society is a lot more forgiving when it comes to men cheating, lying or making decisions without consulting their partners,” agrees Dray.
In Russia, females are taught to take it easy and realize it’s something that will happen in the course of a relationships.
Lying about cheating and covering it up is considered honourable. Telling your wife you cheated is dishonourable, because you would hurt her by doing that.
The same applies to friends and acquaintances: If you tell a spouse that the partner is cheating on him/her, you will become the enemy of the family, as you were obviously trying to destroy their marriage. The fault is on you and not on the cheater, who is simply following his natural needs as a male.
For Diana it was the patriarchal alpha-male, the macho style that she found attractive in the first place that she couldn’t handle in the long run.
When the Russian boyfriend took a cup of coffee out of her hands stating she had too much caffeine already, this drew the line for the New-York-born feminist who could look pass the violence, but wouldn’t accept a male getting between her and her coffee.
For Russian girls over the age of 25 it’s the alcohol abuse and sleeping around that drive them to seek options elsewhere, but most of all, their desire to have a family with someone who is stable and faithful, which they believe western men are.
For me, I am simply not feeling safe with Russian men, considering all of the above. Love is not ownership, or being owned. Having a Russian boyfriend may start wonderfully and then turn into a nightmare. Lying (and cheating is lying) destroys the very fabric of a trusting relationship, and without trust there is no peace and security. And this is what a home should be.
Here you can see a Russian boyfriend at his finest, proposing to his girlfriend of 1 year. The fresh-faced lovers look so young, they wouldn’t sell them liquor without the proof of age.
“I love you very much. I need only you. Everything I do is only for you. You will have a luxury day today!” says the prospective groom, sending an air kiss into the camera, before going on a spree of flowers, oversized cartoon characters, and driving around in a luxury limousine.
This is the intensity that the adventurous New Yorker was talking about. Russian men can do that, and this is what Slavic ladies often crave in romances with western males.
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So basically what you’re saying is that when I go to Russia to meet my girl: I should act like a maniac by beating up the first guy that dares to talk to her (unless it’s a big guy; because getting the shit beaten out of me makes me look like a pussy); I should act egoistically by disregarding her desires in bed and only focus on my own pleasure; and I should act like a “wandering penis” by secretly cheating on her so her male friends (those whom I didn’t beat up anyway) will think I’m awesome (and that… Read more »
Henk, There are so many inherent flaws in your construction, I don’t know where to start. For starters, for Russian men the status “we are just friends” with a female doesn’t exist. Women are not friends with men: Guys are friends with guys, girls are friends with girls. If a guy and a girl are hanging out together, they are either having sex, or he is trying to get her to bed – no other options. So, your potential Russian girlfriend won’t have any male friends you can beat up, or whose respect you need to earn. Female friends… Read more »
По-моему, Henk имеет великолепное чувство юмора, а вовсе не flaws of construction
WERRA well said if we knew what your saying. i do think the first 2 words are no money
Henk was funny. You’re just a drag.
Mack,
And what epithet would you use for what you are doing? A troll?
Elena, yea, you described some traditions of some russian boys, but i would name this “typical”. Guys for whom girl is just living rubber toy are badasses and it is critisiced by society.
I mean you or this girl saw only the persons with “finest” what-is-relashionship-view.
Most men I see in Odessa are chauvinistic pigs. My girlfriend is Ukrainian and she agrees.
Then why do russian girls say they are female friends but sure dont act like friends.In America ,means mean somebody to talk to,get to know,hang out with but now fast foward today the west has influence russian and ukranian culture to think like America where friend is not a friend but something else.I even have proof if dont believe it or think I have no idea what Im talking about.Gladly will show it to russian females that look at me strange,think Im crazy,or dont know what Im talking about.Well I do.Its quite funny and ridiculous at the same time.hehe
Derek, I have no idea what you are talking about.
Basically Im saying dont friends talk to each other,be there for each other?But in america that isnt happening.We have the the sort of friends that are being sexual to each other which involves touching to kissing to sex and still say their friends .Now Im looking at russian women behavior on how they use the word friend and it seems that they are not friends because isnt friend mean talking,being there for each other and nothing more.I’ve been reading about russian culture on how is it russian women behavior towards their friends.Maybe if u have some insights u could kindly… Read more »
Derek, people who sleep with each other are NOT friends. Check the dictionary.
How about be sexual with each other as friends consider a friend in Russia.Is that like part of Russian Culture.Im probably been westernized to think like tha.It seems to have influenced Russia to act this way in their behavior?
Derek, being ‘sexual’ with each other is NOT friendship. Check the dictionary. Russian culture is strongly traditionally-oriented. In recent times, it slowly moves closer to the relationship culture accepted in Muslim countries, as opposed to ‘free love’ westernized ways.
In fact, Russians in general don’t believe in friendship between a man and a woman. They view any such ‘friendship’ as a man’s attempt to get the girl to bed.
Thank u again:), I am trying to learn the cultural difference as I am learning new things about Russian Culture that is very shocking to me.In the western world I think I have seen about anything but when I start seeing the same thing happen in Russia, it really shocked me about their culture
I wad wondering if u can help me win and conquer the heart of Russian woman as Im trying to do right now?I have to u,these Russian women making it tough onme but im not giving up that easily like Russian men that is pursuing their Russian women I have read
Sorry for the typo, I wish I could redit my comment again but hopefully u understand what Im trying to say:)
Derek, dating Russian women is easier than with western girls! Check this post
Coming into contact with a russian women i thought russian women didnt know the mentality of russian men as Im here trying to figure it out when talking to a russian women.Its sorta like they want me to be mentally tough like a russian man but just not tell me and suppose to know or figure it out.Wait, the girlfriends flirting with each other to get guy attention?I was confused with that because they would be flirting with touching each other with little laughters here and there.Thank u for sharing this knowledge as Im trying to figure out the russian… Read more »
I didnt know conquering a russian women would be this hard.Its very tiring and taxing to have the energy everyday to win her over.I guess thats its a emotional rollercoster to even wanna keep tyring to conquer a russian that these western men have their eyes on.I never knew how tough is to conquer a russian women.The toughest thing I gone through than anything else
Actually most Russian women I’ve met would rather NOT have this…all of this. They may be “used to it” but they seem to prefer the Western men. Either they think they make more money (probably true) or that they will treat them better. I mean, in all fairness, I miss my “Russian” husband now because he could have provided for me, (at least in Moscow, and “by now” as we’d both be in our 40’s by now) and the treatment wasn’t all that bad. Most Russian women I’ve met are surprised that I actually wanted one of their men until… Read more »
Theres just so much Im learning about the russian mentality.Another thing I learn about russian men is from the beginning they act as if thats their lady on the date.More things is russian dont take no easily from a women but keep trying to win her over like I said.Sorry for my comments,its just Im learning so much from your blog post of mentality of russian men and how to be like that to their russian women because Im thinking that these russian women expect the westerns to figure it out and not waste time trying to figure out what… Read more »
Last thing I do wanna say in this discussion is sometimes these russian women do these things that upsets but Im willing to forgive her mistakes,its just that if she keeps doing these things that upset u I dont how many times I can forgive these russian women but since I read russian men from other russian women need to be more caring I try but theres only so much I gonna allow this behavior that are mentioned in my comments to u but wait theres more……Now I dont know if their trying to upset me or is it trying… Read more »
Derek, western men and women used to have the same rules 50 years ago.
Henk, all this (what you described) is exactly why many Russian women prefer to have western husbands or stay alone. So if you act like that, you will be as uninteresting for Russian girls, as local men are. We DON’T like all that shit in Russian men. We just have to accept it, because most of Russian girls will never have any other choice. Their mothers, grandmothers, grandgrandmothers and so on lived like that, and they taught daughters that that is inevitable, so most of Russian women simply lack self-respect, and won’t seek better life. Most just don’t know English… Read more »
No wonder european men go to russia to get married, i guess women in EU respect them self to much to have a normal life.
It is not true. Russian women like to pretend to be victims. Russian women are very hypocritical. Russian men are tired of Russian women and want their own foreign wife.
Italian woman married with Ukrainian man here. Some things here are true, like the escalating process, but actually it was his determination to court me, to insist and to appear always determined, sure about himself and manly is what made me fool for him. With me the “Russian approach” worked. Now I could never see myself with no other partner but a man from former URSS. They are simply one step above.
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