Uncle Big Cock

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Uncle Big Cock

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Tierney Finster
December 6, 2017






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‘Christ! Everybody says Milton Berle has the biggest schlong in Hollywood’
Growing up, my mother and her siblings cackled about “Uncle Miltie’s Huge Dick” way too often. That’s part of the beauty of having a big family: There’s enough of you that all of your jokes, references and memories become a universe of their own, cherished deeply and repeated often. And in their universe, the allegedly colossal cock of Uncle Miltie (aka famous comic and early TV legend Milton Berle ) was like Jupiter — by far the largest planet in the solar system, but one whose existence they had to take on faith and/or science.
Anyway, when I recently asked my family to expound on their obsession with Uncle Miltie’s dick, they didn’t have much to say. My Aunt Molly told me she watched him on TV her whole life, but never knew about what was happening in his pants until she was a teenager. “I don’t remember how exactly I found out… But what about Rodney Dangerfield’s balls?” she wrote over text, quickly changing subjects. “Ask me about those. I saw them!”
Apparently, she once witnessed Dangerfield’s testicles spilling outside his shorts while sitting near the beach in Santa Monica.
And as I reminded my aunt, I wanted to talk about Uncle Miltie, not Rodney. Namely: What’s the history of Milton Berle getting so much attention for his gigantic dick?
While it’s impossible to pin down the origin of this beloved gossip, I did find some interesting tidbits about how it became common lore. And yes, in today’s cultural climate, big dicks can be offensive, scary and generally condescending — most especially legendary ones. But still, being remembered for your member is worth talking about.
1) First, a quick refresher on Berle the Man, who was much more than a major cock: He got his start as a child actor in silent films after winning an amateur talent contest (his talent was impersonating Charlie Chaplin.) He quickly became part of the Vaudeville theater tradition that was favored in the U.S. throughout the 1930s. After his show Texaco Star Theater premiered in 1948, television set sales doubled. Supposedly, he angered audiences multiple times for inviting black talent to appear on his show, one of the better parts of his reputation. Worse is his reputation for stealing jokes, which he basically owned up to, once telling The New York Times : “ Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it .” Upon losing Texaco and then Buick as sponsors, Berle’s show ended for good in 1955, after which a younger generation began knowing him as the older man who appeared on roasts and in weird guest spots on shows like Batman and The Love Boat .
2) He never shot any sex scenes, but still, word of his giant dick got around. “He was certainly super hung. Marilyn Monroe said he had the biggest cock in Hollywood and had her best sex with him,” one commenter wrote on LSPG, a shitty message board whose brand identity I’m unsure of even after careful investigation. “She singles him out even though she had sex with quite a few well hung men.”
The two supposedly met in 1948 on set of Ladies of the Chorus and later starred in Let’s Make Love together in 1960. Truman Capote, one of the hottest gossipers of all time, quoted Monroe as saying, “Christ! Everybody says Milton Berle has the biggest schlong in Hollywood ,” which doesn’t exactly cop to them copulating, but only because she was talking about him in comparison to Errol Flynn’s ability to literally serenade women with his dick:
“Did I ever tell you about the time I saw Errol Flynn whip out his prick and play the piano with it? Oh well, it was a hundred years ago, I’d just got into modeling, and I went to this half-ass party, and Errol Flynn, so pleased with himself, he was there and he took out his prick and played the piano with it. Thumped the keys. He played ‘You Are My Sunshine.’”
3) Another commenter on the same message board was more frustrated with Berle’s hot-and-cold relationship to copping up to his own cock size:
“The thing that pisses me off about celebrities with ‘huge dicks’ is this… Behind closed doors they talk shit and can’t seem to put it away… But when asked a simple question in an interview like ‘Are you well endowed? There are rumors of that going around,’ they get all sensitive and act like some fuckin’ punks. But the night before the whole night revolved around the chosen celebrities dick! I’m only bringing this up cause I remember when Milton would go on the Howard Stern show and Howard would ask him and Milton would get pissed. The same shit happened with Julia Roberts when she was asked about Leaim Neesian [sic]… She got pissed off. But yet she’s be reported to be in Hollywood circles just cracking all types of jokes and laughing about his pipe! What the fuck?”
4) This guy raises a good point. You either cop to the peen or you don’t. But with Berle, his transparency about about his dick seemed to be more mood-dependent. As he was more than happy to discuss it in this late-in-life interview: “Are you talking about my endowment? I’ve had a little success with it, even recently at 88. So I guess it’s true. All I know, is that when I get an erection, I black out.”
5) It is true that on Stern, he was less forthcoming. Probably because he knew Stern operated with few rules — so giving him even a few inches to work with would entice Stern to take a mile’s worth of dick jokes. Same for his body count. Case in point: When Stern asked Berle if he banged Marilyn Monroe, Berle responded, “Yeah, Betsy Ross too.” Stern goes on to beg Berle to spill the beans on Monroe, but Berle assures Stern he doesn’t “kiss and tell — he kisses and leaves.”
6) Berle appeared on Stern’s show a second time and was subjected to even more nonconsensual dick talk. Stern writes about the encounter in his book Private Parts :
“His publicist Gary warned that we shouldn’t deal with the ‘penis thing.’
“‘Here comes Milton Berle into the studio,’ I announced. ‘Mr. Berle, every inch a gentleman, by the way, if I may say so. The last time you were on everyone said to me, ‘But Howard, you didn’t ask him about his weenie.’
“‘Oh stop, that’s terrible,’ Berle protested.
“‘I have always maintained that you and Forrest Tucker had the biggest ones in the business. Man, it’s got to be great to have a big one,’ I went on. ‘You know, when they circumcised Uncle Miltie, they threw more away in the pan than I have. Doesn’t it make life easier for you? You don’t have to put that much effort into it. I have to do stuff to my wife just to get her excited. Your wife must be like, ‘Oh my God, this is unbelievable.’’
“Milton wanted to drop the subject.
“‘Yeah, it’s easy for you to be humble, when you’ve got a thermos in your pants,’ I snickered.
“I asked Uncle Milton if he’d be so kind as to take phone calls from my audience. What he didn’t know is that I had Gary prescreen the callers and set him up with penis questions. The first caller came on.
“‘Listen Uncle Miltie, when you get aroused, have you ever fainted from all the blood rushing into your tool?’
“‘You see? People are genuinely interested in the size of your genitals. Uncle Miltie, don’t deny this aspect of show business.’”
7) Berle may have hated the rumors, but it seemed as though he would’ve hated even more for anyone to think they weren’t true. As former SNL writer Alan Zweibel wrote in his own account of dealing with Berle’s dick in this SNL anthology :
“Milton Berle took a liking to me and gravitated to me, I think because in the early 1970s I had written all these jokes for Catskill comics. And I wrote jokes for a lot of the Friars Club roasts, where Uncle Miltie was usually the roastmaster. You played to people’’s stereotypes with those jokes — —Jack Benny was the cheap one and so on. —With Berle, all I had known was he wore a dress on TV and supposedly stole everybody’’s jokes. And also I learned early on that he was the guy with the big dick, one of the biggest in show business. So I started writing big dick jokes about him for these Friars roasts.
“Now fast-forward a few years, and I’’m in Milton Berle’’s dressing room at Saturday Night Live . He’’s sitting on a couch behind a coffee table, and he’’s wearing a very short kind of bathrobe, the kind that comes down to about midthigh. Somehow I just say to him, “‘You know, it’’s so weird that I’’m here talking to you, because for years I was writing jokes about your dick.’” I said, ‘“I wrote all these jokes about your cock and now I’’m talking to you —I feel like there’’s some violation or something here.”’
“He says to me: “‘You mean you never saw it?’” I said, ‘Uh, no, I don’’t believe I did.”’ Then he said, ‘“Well, would you like to?”’ And before I had a chance to say, ‘Not really’” or “‘Can I think about it?”’ or whatever, he parts his bathrobe and he just takes out this anaconda. He lays it on the table and I’’m looking into this thing, right? I’’m looking into the head of Milton Berle’’s dick. It was enormous. It was like a pepperoni. And he goes, “‘What do you think of the boy?” And I’’m looking right at it and I go, ‘Oh, it’s really, really nice.”’
“At which point Gilda [Radner] opens the door to the dressing room. It’s like an I Love Lucy sketch, but this honestly happened! She opens the door to his dressing room just in time to see me looking into his dick saying, “‘Yeah, it’s really, really nice.””
8) My childhood crush, Ian Ziering , aka Steve Sanders from the original 90210 , had a similar story, as published in the “outsider” Hollywood memoir You Never Ate Lunch in This Town To Begin With . Here’s what the book’s author, Nicholas Kolya, wrote:
“I know a guy who does voiceovers. He told me that once he was dubbing some cartoon with Ian Ziering, of Beverly Hills: 90210 , who told him a brief tale about the legendary big dick man Milton Berle.
“It seems that Uncle Miltie was appearing in an episode of Ian’s preachy nighttime soap opera. Boring theme for the week: Alzheimer’s disease. Wait, I forgot where I was going with this. Hahahaha! Anyway, the two were feeding each other lines in rehearsal, when Ian dropped his [scripts]. As he bent to retrieve them, the feisty octogenarian grabbed him by the back of the head, forcefully pulling him towards his crotch. He shouted maniacally, ‘Go ahead, take a look at it! You’ve heard the rumors! Get an eyeful!’”
10) He was talking about this episode of the show, by the way.
11) Gilbert Gottfried loves talking about Uncle Miltie’s dick, too. “You have no idea how many times Uncle Miltie’s schlong has come up on this show,” his co-host quips in this episode , in which Gottfried manages to make a joke about President Kennedy’s death involving Miltie’s…. Equipment.
12) This one is Hollywood folklore, from a source that can’t be named. (Chic, right?) Apparently, some decades ago, a bunch of TV folks hosted a surprise birthday party for Uncle Miltie. They greeted him in a dark room with a candlelit cake, and at least according to this trusted source, when the lights came back on, Berle had stuck the big, birthday candle in his penis as a gag.
13) Upon Berle’s death in 2002, The New Yorker published an obit that recapped some of the Friars Club jokes about Berle’s penis:
“‘I have a funny feeling I should be wearing a dress with my two front teeth blacked out,’ Freddie Roman said. He paused and gave the audience a look suggesting that big mischief was on the way. ‘We are here to honor Milton Berle, who passed away on March 27th,’ he went on. ‘On May 1st and May 2nd, his penis will be buried.’ The laughter was long and knowing. Dozens more Milton Berle penis jokes followed. Friar Bob Melvin said, ‘I saw him sink a four-foot putt with his penis.’”
14) For others, like Berle’s son William, the BFD reputation was less charming. William was adopted, so despite the famous last name and its reputation, he didn’t exactly mirror his dad below the belt, much to the dismay of the women he bedded. To compensate, he brags needlessly about his own sexual bravado (if not size) in his 1999 memoir My Father, Uncle Miltie .
15) If any contemporary celebrity wants to come for Uncle Miltie’s reputation, they’re going to have to not assault anyone. Today’s Famous Big Dick will have to share it consensually, or perhaps, put it to use through full-on nudity (not leaving the on-screen naked stuff to his female costar). Maybe a lifestyle blogger or male model can become the Uncle Miltie of Instagram. A few hashtags free for the taking: #freethedick, #letithang #liberatedshaft.
16) Until then, here’s a full record of one of Stern’s infamous conversations with Berle:
Tierney Finster is a journalist, screenwriter, actor and model from Los Angeles, California. She is a contributing writer at MEL, specializing in love, sex, mental health, drugs, queer culture and the cannabis industry. She has written for publications such as Playboy, Purple, Dazed and Confused, Jezebel and Broadly and was the key researcher behind Sex On, HBO’s revival of its iconoclastic docu-series Real Sex.

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I was 14 years old when my uncle disvirgined me, right in my father’s house, under my parents’ nose. But because they (my parents) trusted him and it would be my word against his, I could not tell anyone; and, of course, he warned me that if I told anyone, he would deny it and deal with me.
I am a final year student in one of the federal universities. This incident happened when I was in Senior Secondary School (High School) year 2. I wasn’t really too mature for my age; I was on the small side, but I had developed a woman’s body.
My paternal uncle, my grandmother’s last born, then a youth corps member was posted to serve his fatherland where we were staying then, of course, it was natural for him to stay with us.
He was a good uncle and very friendly with us. I am the last of my parents’ three children. My elder ones (both boys) were away in school leaving our housemaid and me in the house.
Initially, my uncle was nice and he was just a normal uncle everyone would wish for.
After about a month or so that he came to stay with us, he started behaving funny towards me. He would touch my bum, and sometimes he would pretend it was a mistake, then, he would touch my breasts. Then, I really didn’t know how to place his behavior. In my mind, I would wonder if it was a mistake or he was doing it deliberately.
Because I couldn’t really say I was scared to discuss it with anybody, not even with our housemaid then because we were a little close. I made up my mind to avoid him.
I guess I over did it because everybody noticed this. My parents mistook my attitude for pranks and they would scold me whenever he reported me.
On a day, I told my mother that I didn’t like how my uncle used to touch me. I didn’t know what really got into her, but she scolded me not to say such a thing again. She reminded me that the person I spoke about was my daddy’s younger brother. I had no choice, my situation then was between the devil and the deep blue sea.
My parents had to travel to daddy’s hometown for a burial. We were all supposed to go together, but since my uncle said he had something to do, my parents decided that our housemaid and I should stay back at home. I pleaded with them to take me, but I was not lucky. In fact, daddy would have conceded but my mom refused.
It happened the next day. I was sleeping in my room, in the evening which I shared with our housemaid, but it was later that I learned that my uncle had sent her on an errand that kept her away and gave him enough time to perpetrate his evil deed.
I felt a hand on my body. I opened my eyes and saw my uncle trying to force my jeans trousers off. I tried to scream, but he covered my mouth with his palm.
In short, my uncle raped me and deflowered me at 14. He asked me to clean up when he was done with me. He took my underwear and burnt it in my presence. He threatened to kill me if I ever told anyone.
He tried to rape me again several times after that first experience, but I always carried my elder brother’s Boys’ Scout pen knife about and I vowed that I would kill him if he ever got near me again.
I wasn’t too sure if it was my threat or the fact that he was having sex with our 16-year-old house maid that kept him away from me, because he had to leave our house when mummy discovered that our housemaid was pregnant, and she said my uncle was responsible for her pregnancy.
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It was then that my mother raised her voice that I had reported him to her before. She stupidly thanked God that my uncle did not touch me.
How wrong? I did not correct her because it was rather too late.
How I wished she had listened to me then! I would have been saved from these private pains. How I wish, mothers, especially, should learn to listen to their children and not shut them down anytime they try to speak with them.
I thought I was the only one in the world, who suffered this type of fate, but I was wrong. We had just resumed into the university, guess you know all these admission stuff.
(Also read this later: How I Lost My Virginity )
My friend and I became close because we were the first ones to get into our room. Incidentally, we were admitted to study the same course, so from the very first day we became friends
Her parents were abroad, and her maternal uncle was her guardian. Every weekend he would come around to see her.
Sometimes he would take us out. I became apprehensive because I noticed he was too close to her for comfort, but I could not warn her. More so, I didn’t trust her enough to share my secret with her. And I also thought that, though naive after all, he was her maternal uncle not paternal, so he shouldn’t have such a thought on his mind.
One weekend, she went to stay at her uncle’s place I was supposed to have gone with her, but my eldest brother, who just came back from the US (United States), promised to see me that weekend. So, I stayed back in school.
Surprisingly, my friend came back on Saturday morning as against her planned Sunday evening.
I noticed that she had cried and her uncle was hovering around her like a “father hen”. I couldn’t wait for him to leave before asking what happened. Instead of saying something, she started crying again.
I asked if someone died and she said no. Our other roommates were around, so I couldn’t really press her. When they all left the room, I moved closer; she was sleeping in my bed. I asked her if she was all right, instead of talking, she began to cry again. I pleaded with her to tell me what happened, she then dropped a bomb- shell. “My uncle raped me”, at 18.
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He deflowered her. Can you imagine that? A child entrusted to his care? My friend said she was going to kill herself. At this juncture, I
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