Two Married Couple
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Two Married Couple
marriage of two people from different races or different religions or different cultures
primary social group; parents and children
The newly married couple picked up an inexpensive painting at a yard sale—a blue-eyed, blond princess standing next to a dark, bearded prince—and hung it in their living room.
Just then a married couple of Baptists in tortoiseshell sunglasses came out of the crowd and shook our hands.
Every night, when the married couple retired to their rooms, she was overwhelmed by a peculiar hatred she could not explain, which filled her soul with regret.
I’m sitting in the leather armchair that we bought from Heal’s just after we got married—it was the first piece of furniture we got as a married couple : soft tan buttery leather, expensive, luxurious.
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There are many different kinds of affairs. They include one-night stands, flings, emotional affairs that never go beyond texting and/or talking, affairs where one person is married, and having an affair where both people are married.
I’m not going to say that having an affair makes you a horrible person. I have learned over the years not to judge without having all the facts. That said, having an affair always hurts someone, and for that, I wish more people would take accountability and admit that what they did was hurtful.
I can’t count the number of people who have an affair, and then don’t have the self-awareness to say, “Hmm…I hurt my spouse deeply and now I owe him or her an apology.” Instead, they think, ‘The marriage was over anyhow’ or ‘I didn’t really think he or she would even care. He/She never even looks at me anyhow’ or the worst one, ‘It just happened. What can I say?’
I say…say you’re sorry! No matter how ugly the divorce is, sit down and tell the spouse you cheated on that you are sorry you hurt them in that way. You don’t have to say you are sorry you cheated (especially if you aren’t) but imagine how much good you would do to just apologize for the pain, for the embarrassment, for turning your spouse’s life upside down–even if there are feelings of resentment for lots and lots of other things.
The idea for this blog post came from a guy who wrote to me that he got divorced because he had an affair. The woman he had the affair with was also married and both couples have kids.
The guy wrote that his affair was exposed when the woman’s husband found out. So, basically they got caught. He ended up getting divorced—I think both he and his wife wanted that, but the woman’s husband begged her to try to work it out. Since then, she has gone back to the affair once– for a couple weeks and subsequently broke it off again. Now this guy wants to know if he should wait for her.
Here are my thoughts. The woman’s husband found out about the affair initially. What that says to me is that the couple was not willing to come forward and end their marriages. Maybe not enough time had gone by and one or both weren’t ready. Or, maybe they just weren’t sure how to do it, or couldn’t get up the nerve. Or maybe this woman never had an intention of ending her marriage.
After the couple was caught, the guy and his wife proceeded with the divorce. To me, that means he wasn’t happy in the marriage regardless of the affair. People who are happy in their marriages don’t cheat. No matter what. They don’t have to. They don’t want to. Their needs are being met. Not the case with this guy. And maybe not the case with his wife, either.
As far as the woman giving her marriage another try, that says a lot, too. She has now gone back to the husband twice. She has chosen the husband over the affair twice. So, she is really all over the place and desperately needs to figure out what she is doing . Therapy would be a good option for her.
My gut says that the woman’s marriage will ultimately end, not necessarily for the guy she had the affair with (although that could happen) but because you don’t walk away twice if you really want the marriage to work. Just my opinion.
As for the guy, I truly don’t think he had the affair because he fell madly in love with this woman, but rather that he was lonely in some way and his needs were not being met in his marriage.
I think this guy owes it to himself to really take some time to think and not really focus on whether or not the woman comes back. He needs to let her figure out her life and what she really wants and time has to go by for both of them to do that. I know that isn’t easy. But, I think he would be making a big mistake if he continues the affair. I think that it will only hurt his self-esteem for two reasons: one because the woman is cheating still, and won’t leave the husband, but also he is contributing to the pain the husband had and will have more of once he finds out the cheating is going on again. The guy needs to take the attitude that he deserves more in a romantic relationship than a woman with a husband and kids who is going behind her family’s back.
I know this sounds harsh, and the thing is, I don’t think people who have affairs are bad people. That said they are confused people who made a bad choice in handling a not-so-ideal marriage. People who have affairs are so wrapped up in the excitement, the energy, the sparks and the feeling of being so happy and fulfilled that their mind is clouded and they fail to think of the hurt they are causing someone they promised to love forever.
I can speak firsthand about being cheated on. Not in my marriage, but in two past relationships. It is the worst feeling in the world. It makes you feel dirty –not just because you think you might now have an STD, but just kind of gross to think that the guy who you get naked with and are so vulnerable with went behind your back and got naked and vulnerable with someone else.
It also makes you feel stupid that you didn’t see it , and mad at yourself for not seeing it. And, it makes you feel very embarrassed that other people probably knew.
All those reasons go back to my saying that the cheater should apologize for the cheating, no matter what else and what other resentments are present in the relationship. It’s the only thing that makes a cheatee feel sane, like you can actually let go of the intense anger over the situation. That at least the cheater cared enough to acknowledge that the situation killed you.
The bottom line is, all affairs are complicated and they rarely end well. I’m not going to say that none of them work out, but for the most part, they fail, I think because the relationship began with lies and cheating and deceit and hurting others. And maybe the guilt gets to people, creating new resentment and of course, lack of self-love (which will ruin any romantic relationship.)
I didn’t write this blog post to berate or judge people who have an affair, but maybe some of what I wrote will make them think a little bit. Almost always, everyone loses in an affair, whether it is a meaningless one-night stand or even a short emotional affair via Facebook messaging. Even if the affair turns into a love that you call “the love of my life,” it isn’t pretty. Why? Because what is supposed to be the beauty of true love will always have a stain on it with someone else’s pain.
Jackie Pilossoph is the creator of her website, Divorced Girl Smiling. The author of her novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase, Pilossoph also writes the weekly dating and relationship column, Love Essentially, published in the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press. Pilossoph lives with her family in Chicago. Oh, and she’s divorced.
By Aaron Smith | Updated May 27, 2022
” When both partners are willing to work hard to repair a marriage, trust can be rebuilt. It can take time, but healing is always possible. "- Nicholas DeFazio, MRC, LPCC-S, LICDC
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Affairs can be messy, and having feelings for someone else while married creates a complicated situation that can be difficult to navigate. Hurt feelings, feelings of betrayal, and broken trust all come into play if the affair comes out in the open. While it remains a secret, feelings of guilt and shame may be part of the dynamic.
No matter what feelings an affair brings up in you, being married but in love with someone else creates marriage issues to deal with that can take months or years. Sometimes the damage is too serious, and there is no way to repair the marriage.
Affairs get even more complicated when both parties in the affair are married to other people. Instead of affecting one marriage, the affair is now affecting two marriages: the complexity and potential volatility of the situation increase. The affair can be discovered in more ways, more lies that may need telling, and more risk involved for the two people having an affair.
The decision to have an affair is involved, yet there are some fundamental reasons people choose to cheat. Choosing to start an affair isn't an overnight decision. The person or persons entering into the affair must weigh out the pros and cons, realize what damage it could bring to their marriage, and decide if it is worth the effort, secrecy, and potential guilt that may come with the territory.
So, what are the underlying reasons people choose to start an affair?
Sex is a large reason that someone may start up an affair. They may not be getting sexual satisfaction from the marriage they want or looking for more sexual experiences than marriage arrangements. Being sexually unsatisfied isn't to say that the person is unsatisfied with the marriage as a whole. Instead, when it comes to sex, the dissatisfaction is too much to handle, and they start looking for a sexual fulfillment that they are not finding in their marriage.
Another big reason people may look for an extramarital relationship is the need for emotional validation. It could be that their partner in the marriage is emotionally distant or withholds emotions from them. Or, maybe there is emotional validation in the marriage, but they seek more of it than is being given. Emotional closeness and validation are essential to the human psyche. You need them to live a fulfilling and healthy life. When someone doesn't receive emotional closeness and validation, they can begin to look for it elsewhere, ultimately finding it in the affair.
Sometimes, people say they have fallen out of love with their marriage partner. They once were deeply in love, but that feeling has grown colder over time. Falling out of love may cause someone to look elsewhere for companionship. Conversely, someone may say they had fallen in love with the person they are having an affair with either before the affair began or throughout the affair. In both of these situations, the feelings of love are driving the choice.
Whatever the reason was given for the affair, it is going to affect the marriage. When both people involved in the affair are married, two marriages will be impacted by the affair. Deceit and betrayal are bound to hurt the marriage relationships on both sides. If there is going to be a repair in the marriage, it will take much work.
While an affair doesn't necessarily mean the end of a marriage, it does mean a change in the marriage. Things won't suddenly go back to the way they were once the affair ends. The rebuilding of trust has to happen, and rekindling love may have to happen.
Affairs rarely become a long-term relationship. Typically, they are short-lived and come to an end. The person who breaks off the affair may be feeling guilt and grief about their marriage. Or, someone may have discovered the affair. There may be any number of circumstances for the ending of the affair. However, typically, the affair ends in one of three ways.
It could be that the thrill of the affair is gone. Or that they feel shame and guilt about the affair and decide they want to work on their marriage. Whatever the reason, one person in the relationship may decide that it's time to end things.
Ending the affair can leave the other person in a precarious place. They may want to continue the affair, possibly even having fantasies of leaving their marriage to be with the other person. But now it has ended, and they are left to process their emotions by themselves. Being left alone can be a painful experience, coupled with damage to their marriage. They may not feel ready to give up the affair.
When one person ends the affair suddenly, it rarely ends up being a mutuality parting of the ways. Hurt and betrayal can be left in the wake of the affair.
Maybe one person's spouse finds some messages or pictures that lead them to the truth of the affair. Perhaps it happens to both people around the same time. When the affair is found out, it effectively puts an end to the affair. Once found out, the spouse should rarely be ok with the affair continuing, either wanting to separate from their spouse who was having an affair or wanting to save the marriage.
When an affair is found out, it also ruins the secrecy and thrill that often fuels the appeal of the affair. Something is exciting about doing something clandestine and taboo. That excitement can push the affair to keep going. Once the removal of that excitement happens, the appeal of the navigates can wear off.
Once the affair is out in the open, the participants in the affair have a choice to make: do they stay together and leave their respective spouses? Do they go back to their broken marriages and work to fix them? Or do they abandon both affair and marriage? Whatever decision is reached, the nature of the affair and the marriages are changed forever.
Sometimes, an affair comes to an end. Both parties know their time together in this fashion is over, and they part ways. In this manner, the end of an affair is usually a mutual decision based upon the continued dynamic between the parties, the overall feeling about the affair, and the time spent in the affair.
Affairs are rarely long-term relationships. The affairs can burn themselves out, the initial thrill being spent the two people in eh affair need to decide if they will cultivate a relationship or end things when the spark is gone.
Once the affair is over, both parties need to decide how they will treat each other. Since affairs typically grow out of a preexisting relationship, both people need to figure out how to move the relationship back to what it was, if that is even possible. The truth about an affair is that it changes the marriage and the relationship you have with the person with whom you are having an affair.
Whatever the end of the affair looks like, dealing with the aftermath of the affair must happen. When both people in the affair are married, both need to deal with the consequences of the affair. Dealing with the consequences may mean ending the marriage, sweeping the affair under the rug and pretending like it never happened, or admitting to the affair and working to repair the marriage.
The truth is, an affair begins because people want to be wanted. It's nice to have the extra attention, either because they are not getting the attention in their marriage or because getting extra attention feels extra lovely. Coming to terms with giving up that feeling of extra attention can be challenging. There may be some grief about the ending of the affair, in addition to the guilt about the marriage.
Navigating these emotions can be tricky and challenging. It may be good to seek professional help to deal with the emotions and fall out of the affair.
If it's decided that the marriage is worth saving, it will be a long, steep road back to a healthy relationship between spouses. When dealing with broken trust from an affair, you must also deal with the underlying reasons; otherwise, an affair will likely happen in the future.
It can take work from both spouses to repair the marriage. This work can be difficult, tricky, and feel impossible to do on your own. A licensed online therapist can help you, and your partner navigates the emotions, actions, and results of the affair, giving you tools and tips to help you both do the work of fixing the broken marriage. Healing is possible; it may take work, and the more help you have, the better the healing process can be.
While there is no foolproof way of bulletproofing your marriage against an affair, there are some practices that you and your partner can
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