Two Bi Girls One Guy

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Two Bi Girls One Guy
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Just like Anna Paquin, who tweeted about her bisexuality and marriage for Pride Month , I am a bisexual woman, attracted to both men and women, and I am proudly married to a man who's only attracted to ladies*. So what's it like? Awesome, predominantly. Being bi and married to my dude is a wonderful and fulfilling situation, mostly because he is excellent and accepts all my parts, including the bits that like another gender. But together we have discovered that, through no conscious fault of our own, we confuse people. Frequently. Deeply. Sometimes in a way that ends with strange girls trying to break into our room at parties. (More on that later.)
Much of this confusion seems to come from two sources: preconceptions about bisexuality and how it works, and preconceptions about marriage and what it's for. When our relationship is viewed from the outside, these ideas sit atop it like an incongruous cheap baseball cap and affect how we're perceived.
Here are the four ideas about marriage and bisexuality that I regularly encounter, and why they're wrong:
More than one person has assumed that bi-hetero relationships must involve threesomes , regularly. In the same way that straight relationships involve, I don't know, Chinese food, or fighting over the remote. My husband gets fist-bumped rather a lot.
Cute, right? Except that it meant that a drunk girl at a party we both attended, who'd never met me but who had heard that I was bi and therefore "must be up for it," tried to force her way into the room where we were sleeping for an unexpected menage a trois. Obviously there are many things wrong with that situation. But the underlying assumption, that threesomes are regularly on the sexual menu, isn't too uncommon. It defines "bisexual" as "can't be satisfied without both sexes at once," which is another, entirely different sexual identity.
It also overlaps with the stereotype that bi people are sexually insatiable and will seek out anything with a pulse to satisfy their raging libido. "Is it breathing? Can it consent? Sweet, it's macking time." This is... not true. I am not Lord Byron.
Committing to a lifelong heterosexual relationship when you've been a part of the queer community can cause conversations like this:
"Why didn't I get an invite to your Pride party this year?"
"We just... thought you wouldn't be interested. Now, I mean."
Yep. Bi people are in a particular bind when it comes to their dating pool: If they find a partner of the opposite sex, they run the risk of being accused of queer treason. Having a legally married dude partner means that, for some very lovely LGBT friends, I have sadly lost all my gay points, copped out, thrown in the rainbow-colored towel, and can no longer take part of Pride activities because I'm too busy being committed to male genitalia.
It's also frankly frustrating when anybody, straight or gay, assumes that I have been magically, permanently cured of my (very real) attraction to boobs by prolonged exposure to my dude's heterosexuality, like it's musky anti-LGBT radiation. Sexuality is fluid , and it can change over time, but assuming this in another person is a good way to get something thrown at your head.
And then there are the people who decide I was never actually REALLY queer at all, that I was either a L.U.G — Lesbian Until Graduation — dating women because it was fashionable and edgy or because I was just confused.
Nobody's actually congratulated my dude on "turning me" or "helping me make up my mind" — yet. But I have had a few comments about how relieved I must be that, like Jessie J 's, my experimental phase is over. Nope. Nope nope nope.
People can be very uncomfortable with the concept of bisexuality as a permanent identity rather than a 'holding pattern' while you choose which gender you REALLY like. Evan Rachel Wood, who is bisexual, told a journalist for Out magazine, " People like things black and white. It's less scary. Grey areas make people uneasy. " Marriage seems like a definitive choice, like you've FINALLY chosen one team over the other, which is obviously pretty uncomfortable, since I'm still firmly in that grey space.
The LGBT community and marriage have a very fraught relationship, with a legacy of "traditional" gender roles and inherent historical patriarchy to battle. Taking advantage of a right that many gay people still can't have — and aren't sure they want — can put a big wedge between yourself and your queer identity and community.
Putting on the dress and the ring and legally binding yourself to a person of the opposite sex can wreak havoc not only on your gay credentials but on your own self-perception. Is this really true to who I am? Am I turning my back on the struggle of a minority? Am I — gasp — taking the easy way out?
Quick answer: No. I'm not. Marriage is never an "easy" decision, regardless of sexuality, and if I'd fallen in love with a lady, I would have married a lady. If anything, the ease with which I could get hitched to a dude, and the sheer happiness that accompanied that act, makes me even more conscious of what it means to deprive other queer people of that right.
And then there's the concept that a lifetime with only one set of genitals for company is inconceivable for bisexual people. INCONCEIVABLE.
I've had some very concerned dialogues go something like this:
"But how can you be happy with just one gender? Forever? Won't you always be thinking about the other one? Aren't you unfulfilled? Won't your partner think there's a little bit of you he can't satisfy? IS YOUR MARRIAGE DOOMED?"
Welcome to a contradiction of bi-and-married existence . Critics treat you as if you have taken one of two paths: either you've relinquished your bisexual identity, and so seem to have abandoned queer struggle to take refuge in the safe familiarity of the patriarchy, or you've kept it and are seen as incapable of dealing with the structures of state-sanctioned monogamy. Whee!
Here's the thing — monogamy doesn't mean that your genitals are programmed only to want your partner's genitals forever more. Attraction to others, regardless of orientation, doesn't cease because you put a ring on it. That's a conversation that modern society is only just learning how to have: that commitment to one person is a continued choice, and that it's OK and healthy to think other people are cute.
I don't feel any mourning for my access to breasts, any more than I mourn for my access to other dudes. They are, after all, still in the world. If I felt any urge to still be out squeezing them, I would not have walked down that aisle. Being bi and married doesn't mean perpetually thinking wistfully that the grass is greener elsewhere; it means really, really loving your patch of garden, and working on it ardently. The gardeners are a little out of the ordinary, but the flowers sure are beautiful.
*I don't refer to my dude as "straight" because he doesn't like the word. He prefers the term "heterosexual," or, if you want to be precise, a male-identifying person who is female-attracted.

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Jennifer Wilber is a writer, teacher, and bisexual rights activist from Ohio.
Individuals who identify within the bi spectrum may experience their attractions in very different ways.
The simplest definition of bisexuality is a sexual orientation in which a person is attracted to both their own and different genders. Though all bi people are attracted to more than one gender, different bisexual people experience their attractions in different ways and in different intensities. The most commonly agreed upon definition of bisexuality in the bi community is the one written by the prominent bisexual activist Robyn Ochs, who often describes her sexual orientation in this way:
“I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge in myself the potential to be attracted, romantically and/or sexually, to people of more than one sex, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”
You may identify as bi, even if your attraction patterns to different genders differ considerably from those of someone else who identifies as bisexual. Not everyone who identifies as bisexual experiences their sexuality in the exact same way, however. There are as many different ways to be bisexual as there are bi people. Though sexuality is much too complex to define specific categories that completely encompass every person on the planet, sexuality researchers have proposed several different “types” of bisexual individuals, based on the different ways in which bisexual identified individuals experience their attraction to people of different gender identities.
Some bi people may find that they are more attracted to one gender or another or that they experience attraction to different genders in different ways. The sexuality researchers Martin Weinberg, Colin Williams, and Douglas Pryor identified three different types of bisexuality in their book Dual Attraction: Understanding Bisexuality:
There may also be two other types, which I proposed in an article, How to Know If You Are Bisexual: A Guide for Coming Out to Yourself . These are:
Because sexual orientation is so complex, some bi individuals may find that they relate to more than one of these categories, while others may find that none of these categories completely fit their unique experiences and identity. These categories may be helpful for some people who identify as bi, however, to help them to better understand their own experience of bisexuality.
Some bi people are more inclined toward heterosexual-appearing relationships, but they are still bi.
Bisexual people who consistently experience greater physical and emotional attraction toward people of the other sex can be described as “heterosexual-leaning bisexuals.” These people find themselves closer to the “heterosexual” side of the Kinsey scale, but do still sometimes experience attraction to their own gender.
Heterosexual-leaning bisexuals often feel that they aren’t “bisexual enough” because their main attractions appear to be heterosexual, but the labels “heterosexual” or “straight” don’t feel right for them, as they do still experience same-sex physical and/or emotional attractions. Some may assume they are straight until they realize that they are also attracted to the same sex later on in life.
Bi people are still bi, even when they are in same-gender relationships.
Bisexual people who consistently experience greater physical and emotional attraction toward people of the same sex can be referred to as “homosexual-leaning bisexuals.” These bisexual people identify closer to the “homosexual” end of the Kinsey scale, but still experience heterosexual attraction sometimes.
Some homosexual-leaning bisexuals may feel that it is easier to simply describe themselves as “gay,” while others proudly acknowledge their bisexual identity. Similarly, to heterosexual-leaning bisexuals, some homosexual-leaning bisexuals may think that they are gay before eventually realizing that they are, in fact, bi later on in life.
Varied type bi individuals may find that they are more physically attracted to one gender, and more emotionally attracted to another.
Though it is commonly taken for granted that a person’s sexual and emotional orientations match, it is possible for people to experience sexual attraction to one gender and emotional attraction to another. Bisexual people who consistently experience greater emotional attraction toward one gender, but a greater physical attraction toward the other can be described as “varied type bisexuals.”
People who experience this type of bisexuality may feel be particularly confused about their sexual orientation because there is a cultural expectation that a person’s emotional and physical attraction will always match. It’s not uncommon for varied type bisexuals to be confused about their sexuality and have a difficult time determining if they are gay, straight, bi, or something else entirely. They may place greater emphasis on their sexual or emotional attractions before eventually coming to the conclusion that both are equally valid and that they are bisexual.
A chart showing the Kinsey Scale. Anyone who falls between 1 and 5 on the Kinsey scale can identify as bi. Bi people who are equally attracted to males and females are a Kinsey 3.
There is a common and persisting myth that all bi people experience equal attraction to men and women. While this doesn’t describe the majority of bisexual people, there are some individuals who do experience a nearly even 50/50 split between heterosexual and homosexual attraction.
These bisexual people are nearly equally emotionally and sexually attracted to both their own gender and other genders (e.g., men and women). Some people may find that at some points in their life they are more 50/50 in their attraction, while at other times they may identify more closely with one of the other categories.
Many bi people find a potential partner's gender to be entirely unimportant, and are more interested in a person's personality.
Many people who identify as bi find that a potential partner’s gender expression is unimportant, and more interested in a person for their personality. These individuals can be described as having an “outside the binary” bi orientation. These people are just as likely to be physically and/or emotionally attracted to people who identify outside of the gender binary, in addition to men and women. These people may also identify as "pansexual." Pansexuality is a similar orientation to bisexuality that may have some overlap with bisexuality. Some people may identify more strongly with one label or the other. Others may use both labels interchangeably.
Admittedly, attempts to identify specific types or categories of bisexuality may not be entirely useful to everyone who identifies as bisexual. There are as many different ways to experience bisexual attraction as there are bi individuals. We are all unique, despite having some shared experiences and similar patterns of attraction. The only thing that all bi people really all have in common is being attracted to people of multiple genders.
Question: I am attracted to both males and females (and have had a girlfriend and currently have a boyfriend). I felt like I wanted to have sex with my girlfriend but I don't have the same feeling towards my boyfriend. Am I really bisexual or is there another word to describe what I am?
Answer: You are the only one who can answer that. Maybe you are bi, and just aren't attracted to your current boyfriend. Maybe you are a lesbian, and aren't attracted to any men. This is something you need to find out for yourself. If defining your sexuality is causing you too much distress, don't feel like you need to put a definite label on it. Just do what feels right to you.

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