Twinks For Bears
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Twinks For Bears
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These guys had been through the emotional throes of dating, and ultimately, they had been able to fall in love again – even multiple times. I needed to know their secrets.
Jul 13, 2016, 01:40 PM EDT | Updated Jul 13, 2016
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We had about twenty minutes before he had to leave for the airport. The image I had conjured of the thirty-two-year-old currently en route to my front door from our meager interaction on Grindr was as telling as a police report: an assumed age, height, and weight, as well as one scrupulously selected profile picture. And often enough, the photo too ended up a rough sketch. These physical characteristics as well as a few words – “What are you into?” – were all that had been exchanged between me and this city planner from Washington D.C.
This was last summer when I had just turned twenty-two, fresh off the boat from flirting with my first serious relationship. I was seasick, and as this older man and I hit the sheets, I found that my body struggled to deliver what I had ordered.
When everything physical was said and done, we nestled in my bed together where I offered my condolences for my sexual underperformance. “I’m sorry, you’re just the first guy since my breakup,” I said. Confidently, he checked the time on his iPhone, which was perched on my nightstand and looked up at me. “Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news. Which do you want first?” he asked.
“The bad, always,” I responded. With texture, he said, “The bad news is that it won’t get any easier. Losing love. The good news is that you’ll get more used to the pain.”
The insight that this perfect stranger offered me resonated with me throughout the process of that first true heartbreak. And it dawned upon me: older gay men may hold some of the answers. These are people whose sex lives pre-date apps like Grindr or Scruff, and they may have even evaded the widespread millennial mentality of quickly finding something defective with a new lover, only to start brainlessly swiping again.
For me, older gay men came to symbolize the one thing more inspiring than heartbreak: rebirth. These guys had been through the emotional throes of dating, and ultimately, they had been able to fall in love again – even multiple times. I needed to know their secrets.
Dating back to pederasty in Ancient Greece, there has existed a sincere social bond between older gay men and male youth – perhaps in the form of today’s “bears” and “twinks” – where intimacy was mingled with the dispensing of emotional intellect. By all means, in Greek culture, this relationship was considered an education. But today, relationships between older gay men and younger gay men are seemingly plagued by peer judgment over presumptive motivations.
Admittedly, I have been one to shy away from intimate encounters with men much older than me in the past. Most of my gay cohort, as well as previous partners, had exposed their +/- four-year rule to me out of fear that they would be deemed “sugar babies” for taking interest in somebody markedly older. A lot of gay men around my age assume that older gay men, on the other hand, are mainly into younger gay men for the sex, perhaps so the youth can somehow rub off on them in bed like some heavy cologne. Still, many ask: “What really would you and an older man have in common?”
But that’s the whole point. Older gay men know things I don’t. If people undress the “ick” factor, isn’t this connection simply another ripe learning experience not dissimilar to one gained through relations with somebody of a matching age?
Today, online dating apps have intersected many gay men of differing ages and backgrounds. And though these apps may be seen as grassroots one-night stand delivery services, they also provide rich, rare inter-age experiences where younger and older gay men, already comfortable under the veil of physical intimacy, can communicate and dispense insight into the minefield that is the modern gay dating world.
Though I do often tend towards men my own age, I also love to reflect on the rhetoric I’ve heard from men who have been in the business a bit longer. Now, I see that long-term relationships are a plausible goal – and that they don’t necessarily have to be based on black-and-white monogamy. But with the little experience I have, that still somehow appeals the most.
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What is an otter? The gay tribe for lean guys with a bit of scruff
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What it means to be an otter, an emerging tribe for gay men, is rather open to debate.
Our guide to twinks – the most hyper-sexualised gay tribe , and our guide to bears – the gay tribe for big, hairy, hunky men brings us to ‘otters,’ who are kind of in the middle of bears and twinks. But, of course, it’s not as simple as that with otterly different opinions to consider.
As there’s a lot of disagreement on what it actually means to be an otter, we’ve tried to clear things up…
An otter is lean and hairy. Almost never as hairy as a bear, and perhaps not as lean or boyish as a twink, but if you had a body size and hairiness scale of ‘twink to bear,’ you’d find otters comfortably taking up a good chunk of the middle ground. Hold on (you may be thinking)… isn’t that a lot of guys?
Yes, this is kind of true. It seems that a lot of guys could be seen as otters, whether they identify as one or not.
A cisgender male, with a traditionally masculine aesthetic, someone who has an ‘average’ level of body hair, a bit of scruff, fluff, fur, whatever you’d like to call it. Otters look similar to what you might call the “guy next door” type.
The ‘masculine aesthetic’ part isn’t key to otterness. Otters don’t focus on masculinity as a behaviour type or “masc for masc.” There are loads of femme otters, and some non-binary otters too.
Some have claimed that being an otter is part of a transitory phase between twink and bear.
When a lot of otters get older, they may well become bears ‘physically,’ even if they don’t prescribe to the bear community or go to bear events.
We spoke to Josh Olsen, a self-proclaimed otter who started the Otterj.com community for otters and their admirers. He says:
“Some people see it as a slimmer variation of the bear community, but in practice it seems to be as much about style and aesthetic as the body itself. An otter is like “the guy next door,” but with an edge.
“Otters are the guy next door that has grown up a bit.
“They’ve become more sexually adventurous and experienced. Furthermore, the fact that they’re no longer pruning their body hair to such an extent may imply that they’re just more comfortable in their own skin, in their own body and with their personal level of hairiness.”
But isn’t that a bear? No. Olsen says: “There certainly are similarities between an otter and bear community in that both tend towards a more natural appearance. The differences are maybe more associated with size and age.”
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Gareth, a self-proclaimed Otter living in Berlin says: “I would class myself as an otter since I’m hairy in all the right places, apparently masculine and skinnier than a cub or a bear. I prefer to think of my build as slender anyways though. I’m a slender gender-bender.”
“Being an otter is, somehow, entirely a phase. Lots of men grow old and maybe get a bit broader around the waist, but where is the threshold between being an otter and a bear? Is it in the size of your waist or is it your age after all? I’ve never really understood that personally. Anyways, I’m classed as an otter and I can’t even swim properly, so that’s really funny.”
“I do personally find guys with a bit of scruff to be more attractive – it’s just personal taste. However, I’ve also had partners who would be classed as twinks as well as proper fully-fledged daddies.
“I haven’t got a massively hairy chest, but I do have a really hairy ass and a nice full beard and I like that a lot. On my body it’s all very ‘au naturel.’ I don’t spend so much time grooming and that’s absolutely perfect for me.”
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Say hello to The Bear, The Twink, The Butch, and your other gay icons.
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In the spirit of combating stereotypes by reclaiming and celebrating them, BBDO NY Art Director James Kuczynski and illustrator Paul Tuller have created a “Guide to Gay Stereotypes,” a series of silk screened images capturing the essence of your neighborhood gay archetypes.
The posters, released this week as we head into Pride season , celebrate the recent Supreme Court decision on DOMA. They present portraits of gay stereotypes including the The Bear, The Otter, The Twink, The Twunk, The Drag Queen, and The Butch. The posters are available for $18 each, and some of the proceeds will go to the “Think B4 You Speak” campaign, which supports LGBT teens and raises awareness about homophobia and the use of terms like “That’s so gay,” “Dyke” and “Faggot.”
Kuczynski says he found himself in a gay bar one night listening in on some dudes talking about what stereotypical categories they belonged in. “The topic, well, it just made me chuckle,” he says. “It got me thinking how many stereotypes there are really in the LGBTQ community. I don’t even know. It’s interesting how certain people relate to themselves as a certain type or label especially when going out and having fun, while others are repulsed by the idea of fitting into a label. It seemed like an interesting area to explore.”
Says Tuller on his interest in the project: “First and foremost is my love of drawing hairy men. Second is my interest in how these labels have been reclaimed by the LGBTQ community as something lighthearted, erotic, comical, or otherwise endearing. Labels of any kind can be polarizing and exclusive, but at some point the community reclaimed these words as something more, and I wanted to celebrate that.”
Meet the stereotypes in the slide show above.
Jennifer Miller is the author of The Year of the Gadfly (Harcourt, 2012) and Inheriting The Holy Land (Ballantine, 2005). She's a regular contributor to Co.Create.
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