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Having never been a boy, I had no idea about all the weird shit boys do to get off. Even though I had a big brother, I wasn’t privy to the vast array of strange self-satisfying tools and tricks teenage boys have up their sleeves. That is, until I met my husband and he told me a hilarious story about why he loved climbing the pole at school.
“At first,” he explained, “I just climbed because I liked to see how fast I could get to the top. But one day when I climbed something weird happened. It felt really good. Like, so good I would make sure to climb that pole every morning and every lunch.”
Even as my own sons grew, I didn’t understand just how resourceful boys could be, until I questioned my then-12-year-old about why he had a giant box of condoms in his bedroom.
His hesitation should have been my first clue.
“Well, umm,” he said. “I use them to, uh, you know…”
“To what?” I asked. I had no idea what he was trying to say.
“Oh. Oh, well, OK,” was all I managed to say.
A week later, while out for drinks with my girlfriends, who also had teen boys, I asked if that was normal.
“I don’t know about condoms,” my friend Tammy said, “but I found out my son Charlie was using socks.”
“Socks?” I had never heard of boys sexualizing slippers.
“Yeah, socks. Your boys don’t do that?” Tammy asked. “Well, Charlie does. I swear I won’t even touch his laundry anymore. All it took was one time grabbing a sock that was hard as a rock and I was done. It was nasty!”
Learning about socks, and laughing my ass off watching the Bridesmaids scene where a mom describes cracking her son’s comforter, made me curious about what other means boys employ to get their (pun intended) socks off.
Naturally, I first turned to my husband and sons to learn more. I was in for a surprise with their answers.
Like machine gun fire, my eldest son listed his favorite masturbation props.
“Let’s see, there’s good old wadded-up toilet paper, towels, even shirts. Heck, I’ll use dirty laundry if it’s there. Whatever is within reach, really,” he shared. As he spoke, my younger son nodded his head emphatically.
“Anything else?” I asked. I was all business. Hey, who was I to judge? As a teen, I’d had an amorous moment or two with my favorite bottle of perfume, Love’s Baby Soft, which, if anyone remembers, was totally shaped like a dildo.
“OK, don’t laugh, but one time I put my penis in the vacuum hose,” my youngest said.
“While it was on?” I asked. I’d lost my deadpan expression the moment I picture my son losing his penis in a vacuuming accident.
“Yeah, but it was on low, don’t worry,” he reassured me. “It didn’t feel that good, so I only did it once.”
“Oh, what about paper towel rolls?” my oldest added. “And that time I used the cantaloupe?”
Even my husband was shocked at the cantaloupe revelation. Fruit. Really? I thought that was only a thing women in prison did.
“And the trash can,” my youngest said. Was nothing sacred?
By the end of our conversation, I had the idea that my sons, and probably all teenage boys, used anything and everything at their disposal to masturbate.
With my curiosity quelled, I had to wonder if my quest for knowledge was a worthy endeavor. Honestly, I’ll probably never look at a cantaloupe the same way again, but I am grateful I had this awkward, yet illuminating, discussion with my kids.
They felt confident enough to be real, knowing full well I would write this information and share it with the world. It may seem like too much for some parents, but talks like these let me know that my sons can truly be open with me about any subject, no matter how uncomfortable. Like, penis-in-a-vacuum uncomfortable. Ouch.
Before you go, check out our slideshow below:
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Having never been a boy, I had no idea about all the weird shit boys do to get off. Even though I had a big brother, I wasn’t privy to the vast array of strange self-satisfying tools and tricks teenage boys have up their sleeves. That is, until I met my husband and he told me a hilarious story about why he loved climbing the pole at school.
“At first,” he explained, “I just climbed because I liked to see how fast I could get to the top. But one day when I climbed something weird happened. It felt really good. Like, so good I would make sure to climb that pole every morning and every lunch.”
Even as my own sons grew, I didn’t understand just how resourceful boys could be, until I questioned my then-12-year-old about why he had a giant box of condoms in his bedroom.
His hesitation should have been my first clue.
“Well, umm,” he said. “I use them to, uh, you know…”
“To what?” I asked. I had no idea what he was trying to say.
“Oh. Oh, well, OK,” was all I managed to say.
A week later, while out for drinks with my girlfriends, who also had teen boys, I asked if that was normal.
“I don’t know about condoms,” my friend Tammy said, “but I found out my son Charlie was using socks.”
“Socks?” I had never heard of boys sexualizing slippers.
“Yeah, socks. Your boys don’t do that?” Tammy asked. “Well, Charlie does. I swear I won’t even touch his laundry anymore. All it took was one time grabbing a sock that was hard as a rock and I was done. It was nasty!”
Learning about socks, and laughing my ass off watching the Bridesmaids scene where a mom describes cracking her son’s comforter, made me curious about what other means boys employ to get their (pun intended) socks off.
Naturally, I first turned to my husband and sons to learn more. I was in for a surprise with their answers.
Like machine gun fire, my eldest son listed his favorite masturbation props.
“Let’s see, there’s good old wadded-up toilet paper, towels, even shirts. Heck, I’ll use dirty laundry if it’s there. Whatever is within reach, really,” he shared. As he spoke, my younger son nodded his head emphatically.
“Anything else?” I asked. I was all business. Hey, who was I to judge? As a teen, I’d had an amorous moment or two with my favorite bottle of perfume, Love’s Baby Soft, which, if anyone remembers, was totally shaped like a dildo.
“OK, don’t laugh, but one time I put my penis in the vacuum hose,” my youngest said.
“While it was on?” I asked. I’d lost my deadpan expression the moment I picture my son losing his penis in a vacuuming accident.
“Yeah, but it was on low, don’t worry,” he reassured me. “It didn’t feel that good, so I only did it once.”
“Oh, what about paper towel rolls?” my oldest added. “And that time I used the cantaloupe?”
Even my husband was shocked at the cantaloupe revelation. Fruit. Really? I thought that was only a thing women in prison did.
“And the trash can,” my youngest said. Was nothing sacred?
By the end of our conversation, I had the idea that my sons, and probably all teenage boys, used anything and everything at their disposal to masturbate.
With my curiosity quelled, I had to wonder if my quest for knowledge was a worthy endeavor. Honestly, I’ll probably never look at a cantaloupe the same way again, but I am grateful I had this awkward, yet illuminating, discussion with my kids.
They felt confident enough to be real, knowing full well I would write this information and share it with the world. It may seem like too much for some parents, but talks like these let me know that my sons can truly be open with me about any subject, no matter how uncomfortable. Like, penis-in-a-vacuum uncomfortable. Ouch.
Before you go, check out our slideshow below:
The stories you care about, delivered daily.
SheKnows is a part of Penske Media Corporation. © 2022 SheMedia, LLC. All Rights Reserved.
There are things in this world that you can never understand until you’ve had a penis inside of your anus. Lucky for us gay/bi men, there are quite a number of us who know exactly how that feels. Here are 15 things only bottoms understand. (And if you wanna know the struggle tops go through, head over here. )
Let’s start with the best part of anal play: prostate stimulation . The attempt to describe the sensation is utterly useless. The feeling is truly ineffable. It’s heavenly. Euphoric. Unlike any other bodily sensation we’ve ever experienced. Thank the gods for gently tucking that almond-size gland 3 inches inside of our behinds.
Bottoms are a dime a dozen. It seems like every gay guy out there is a bottom, and when you think you’ve met someone who’s definitely a top…nope. He too is a bottom. Just a very masculine bottom.
It’s quite the feeling, being unable to walk straight after being pounded. Your gait is off as you awkwardly limp more to one side.
Not all of us do it, but the ones who do know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s an interesting experience, to say the least.
YASSSS. When the man you love finishes inside you, there is nothing better in this world.
We each have our own method that we swear by: the soapy finger, a douche, Imodium, etc. But no matter how we clean, it’s always a process. And if you’re like me, 25 minutes after you clean, you always have to poop, and it’s a pain in the freakin’ ass. (Not the good kind.)
It’s such a quick transition, the pain to pleasure switch. Where it goes from you being too tight and it hurting, to you being just right and his penis feeling amazing.
It feels amazing when he finishes while he’s inside you, but it’s also incredible when you finish while he’s inside you. Your ejacuations feel stronger and more intense when you finish with someone inside of you.
Yeah, not something that tops really have to worry about. Bottoms, on the other hand, we get them quite often. Here are some tips to help you get rid of those pesky anal fissures if you’re having trouble.
Even after you clean extensively, you know that having a guy poke around down there might stir things up. And if we get too into our heads, we can’t enjoy the sex because we’re too concerned about our own cleanliness.
Your date suggests an Indian restaurant that he claims you will love. NOPE. Definitely not doing that. Thai? Absolutely not. Tops don’t have to worry about what they’re having for dinner on a date. Bottoms on the other hand? Yes, we need to plan accordingly.
The struggle is real. I’m of the belief that you can skip leg day if you really worked your glutes and quads during sex.
I know, I know. It’s not the end of the world. You can also have him go a second time, but sometimes, when you really want to get pounded for awhile and he orgasms very quickly, it can be a bit of a downer.
A switch goes off in your mind, and you turn from an unassuming, suit-wearing businessman, to a sexy AF pornstar. You start riding him like the beast you are.
All of those post-coital hormones flowing in your brain ( i.e. dopamine and oxytocin ). All of the hormones that make you feel SO. DAMN. GOOD.
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In case you haven’t noticed, human beings are gross . As much as we like to pretend we’re perfectly clean and sterile little flowers that always smell good and always behave appropriately, we are not. Couples are gross in their relationships, women are totally disgusting in the stuff we do when we’re alone, and yes, dudes, too, are pretty nauseating when they’re left to their own devices.
While, based on my own alone behavior, I’ve always assumed women take the cake on disgustingness, crowdsourcing the men in my life made me realize we’re actually pretty tame in our behavior. We may like to sniff our crotches every time we pee, or admire the lovely swirling of our period blood in the toilet, but at least we know when to change our sheets and would never, ever think of sending one of our friends a photo of our poop. (Or would we?)
We asked some guys what gross behavior they're guilty of when they're alone, and, I gotta say, even I found myself gagging a bit. In case you're still in the dark on this topic, here are 25 totally vile things men do when they think no one is looking.
Like, literally getting their fingers in there for a deep, long scratch.
I can’t totally blame them for this one. If there’s something gross near me, I’ll smell it out of curiosity, too.
This doesn’t mean just acknowledging the smell of a fart, but really putting their face in the space where they just let one rip, and examining the smell. Bean burrito, anyone?
I guess it's how men bond when there's nothing else to say.
It’s like th
Male Latin
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Bachelor Party Orgy