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Having never been a boy, I had no idea about all the weird shit boys do to get off. Even though I had a big brother, I wasn’t privy to the vast array of strange self-satisfying tools and tricks teenage boys have up their sleeves. That is, until I met my husband and he told me a hilarious story about why he loved climbing the pole at school.
“At first,” he explained, “I just climbed because I liked to see how fast I could get to the top. But one day when I climbed something weird happened. It felt really good. Like, so good I would make sure to climb that pole every morning and every lunch.”
Even as my own sons grew, I didn’t understand just how resourceful boys could be, until I questioned my then-12-year-old about why he had a giant box of condoms in his bedroom.
His hesitation should have been my first clue.
“Well, umm,” he said. “I use them to, uh, you know…”
“To what?” I asked. I had no idea what he was trying to say.
“Oh. Oh, well, OK,” was all I managed to say.
A week later, while out for drinks with my girlfriends, who also had teen boys, I asked if that was normal.
“I don’t know about condoms,” my friend Tammy said, “but I found out my son Charlie was using socks.”
“Socks?” I had never heard of boys sexualizing slippers.
“Yeah, socks. Your boys don’t do that?” Tammy asked. “Well, Charlie does. I swear I won’t even touch his laundry anymore. All it took was one time grabbing a sock that was hard as a rock and I was done. It was nasty!”
Learning about socks, and laughing my ass off watching the Bridesmaids scene where a mom describes cracking her son’s comforter, made me curious about what other means boys employ to get their (pun intended) socks off.
Naturally, I first turned to my husband and sons to learn more. I was in for a surprise with their answers.
Like machine gun fire, my eldest son listed his favorite masturbation props.
“Let’s see, there’s good old wadded-up toilet paper, towels, even shirts. Heck, I’ll use dirty laundry if it’s there. Whatever is within reach, really,” he shared. As he spoke, my younger son nodded his head emphatically.
“Anything else?” I asked. I was all business. Hey, who was I to judge? As a teen, I’d had an amorous moment or two with my favorite bottle of perfume, Love’s Baby Soft, which, if anyone remembers, was totally shaped like a dildo.
“OK, don’t laugh, but one time I put my penis in the vacuum hose,” my youngest said.
“While it was on?” I asked. I’d lost my deadpan expression the moment I picture my son losing his penis in a vacuuming accident.
“Yeah, but it was on low, don’t worry,” he reassured me. “It didn’t feel that good, so I only did it once.”
“Oh, what about paper towel rolls?” my oldest added. “And that time I used the cantaloupe?”
Even my husband was shocked at the cantaloupe revelation. Fruit. Really? I thought that was only a thing women in prison did.
“And the trash can,” my youngest said. Was nothing sacred?
By the end of our conversation, I had the idea that my sons, and probably all teenage boys, used anything and everything at their disposal to masturbate.
With my curiosity quelled, I had to wonder if my quest for knowledge was a worthy endeavor. Honestly, I’ll probably never look at a cantaloupe the same way again, but I am grateful I had this awkward, yet illuminating, discussion with my kids.
They felt confident enough to be real, knowing full well I would write this information and share it with the world. It may seem like too much for some parents, but talks like these let me know that my sons can truly be open with me about any subject, no matter how uncomfortable. Like, penis-in-a-vacuum uncomfortable. Ouch.
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Claim: A student who consults a doctor at the campus medical center because of continual soreness in his rectum discovers that his gay roommate has been secretly anesthetizing and sodomizing him at night.
A guy in the dorms would wake up in the morning feeling sluggish and experiencing abdominal pains. This went on for a week or two before he sought medical attention at Cowell. After the exam the doctor asked the student if he was gay. The student responded that he was not. The doctor seemed puzzled because he explained that the cause of the student’s pains was due to being sodomized on a regular basis. The sluggishness was due to heavy drug use. The student left Cowell stunned. He returned to his dorm room to discover that his roommate had hastily moved out and had dropped out of school. While searching through the items his roommate had left behind this student discovered a beaker of ether and a rag in a large zip-loc bag.

(e.g., rectal soreness, severe headaches, sluggishness).
The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night, and it was included in Gershon Legman’s Rationale of the Dirty Joke. (Both tellings involve predators who drug their victims with alcohol.) The story has spread widely in the United States over the last twenty years or so, generally set in military barracks or campus dormitories.
Whereas the college version generally ends with the discovery of the perfidy, revenge is almost always exacted on the perpetrator in the military version, either by the soldier acting on his own or with the help of his buddies. The GI is often said to “beat the crap” out of his tentmate upon discovering what he’s been up to. Some tellings of the legend end with the sodomizer dead at the hands of his victim and his victim-turned-killer now serving a life term in Leavenworth.
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People caught pitching a tent in public.

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Monday Morning Randomness!

Tags:
awkward
boner
woody
tent
erection
busted
caught

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I haven't been here in a while is this kongofcool a faggot or something?

G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! plz check inbawks!!!!!!!

Having a boner in public isn't as bad as taking pictures of guys' boners

Must be awkward getting those pictures developed

Who the fuck collected all these boners... wtf...

I remember church in elementary/middle school where you would look to your sides and see all the guys with raging boners, pushing them just over the pew in front of them.

Apparently these guys aren't familiar with flipping the boner up into the wasteband method

How could number 5 pull that one off though haha! (Black guys stick together.)

Haha!, Bieber, i guess he is only like 16, if that is anything like my 16 that little sucker would go flagpole with a slight breeze

Wake me up when someone post the "awkard wetness" gallery.

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