Trump's Trial Chaos on SNL Cold Open

Title: 'The Trial of the Century – SNL Cold Open'

FADE IN:

INT. NEW YORK COURTHOUSE – DAY

A packed courtroom buzzes with tension. The camera pans to the defense table, where DONALD TRUMP (played by JAMES AUSTIN JOHNSON) sits, scowling. His legal team—a frazzled ALINA HABBA (CHLOE FINEMAN) and a half-asleep RUDY GIULIANI (BOWEN YANG)—whisper urgently.

JUDGE (played by KENAN THOMPSON, sternly):
'Order! Order in the court! Mr. Trump, you are charged with… well, frankly, a lot of things. How do you plead?'

TRUMP (leaning back, smirking):
'Not guilty—just like always. This whole trial is a witch hunt, folks. A total disgrace. And frankly, the ratings are terrible. Worst trial ever.'

Cut to the prosecution table, where a confident FANI WILLIS (EGO NWODIM) and a very serious JACK SMITH (MIKEY DAY) exchange glances.

FANI WILLIS:
'Your Honor, the defendant has spent years breaking laws, tweeting threats, and allegedly hiding documents next to his gold toilet. We have proof.'

She holds up a giant poster of a Mar-a-Lago bathroom with a box labeled 'TOP SECRET – DO NOT FLUSH.' The jury gasps.

TRUMP (shrugging):
'Fake news! That’s just my summer reading. Very boring stuff—nobody cared until the deep state got involved.'

Cut to the jury box, where a mix of exhausted-looking citizens (played by the cast) nod off or scroll on their phones. One juror (ANDREW DISMUKES) is just eating a sandwich.

JUDGE:
'Mr. Trump, you can’t keep delaying this trial forever.'

TRUMP (grinning):
'Watch me.'

Suddenly, a loud BANG as a smoke bomb goes off. When it clears, Trump is gone—only a 'Make America Great Again' hat remains on the chair.

RUDY (confused, hair dye dripping):
'…He said he was just getting more ketchup.'

Cut to outside the courthouse, where Trump is seen sprinting toward a waiting helicopter labeled 'TRUMP AIR – 2024 CAMPAIGN.'

TRUMP (yelling back):
'Told you—no one holds Trump accountable! See you in Iowa, suckers!'

The helicopter takes off as the courtroom erupts in chaos. Fani Willis facepalms, the judge sighs, and Rudy starts melting like a forgotten ice cream cone.

JUDGE (deadpan):
'Well… we’ll reconvene when he runs out of appeals—or hairspray.'

FREEZE FRAME. RECORD SCRATCH. 'Live from New York…'

FADE TO BLACK.

(Audience loses it.)

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