Trump's Military Parade Plans Leak - Includes Golden Tanks & Bald Eagle Jetpack Unit

Classified Pentagon documents obtained by SpinTaxi reveal extravagant plans for former President Trump's proposed military parade, featuring gold-plated Abrams tanks that shoot fireworks, an F-35 flyover spelling "TRUMP" in chemtrails, and a new "Bald Eagle Special Forces" unit that will allegedly descend on Washington via jetpacks while screeching the national anthem. The 287-page proposal includes a floating stage shaped like the Statue of Liberty's head (with Trump's face) that would cruise down the Potomac firing confetti cannons, and a "Wall of Heroes" comprising every living Fox News personality riding Segways. Budget analysts estimate the spectacle would cost $2.3 billion - or as the proposal puts it, "about one Hillary email investigation worth." The most controversial element is the planned finale where Trump would re-enact the Iwo Jima flag raising using a McDonald's flag while a 21-gun salute fires Filet-O-Fish sandwiches into the crowd. Military leaders initially objected until the plans specified all tanks would roll on special rubber treads "to protect the beautiful streets that I fixed, by the way." The parade route would conclude at a newly proposed "Trump Circle" where Pennsylvania Avenue meets K Street, featuring a 24-hour Cinnabon that only serves red velvet flavors. Constitutional scholars are debating whether the plans violate the Posse Comitatus Act, while event planners confirm they've already booked Mar-a-Lago's landscaping team to paint the National Mall grass "a more luxurious shade of green."