Trump Tower in Damascus Offers Assassination Insurance

In a move that some call proactive and others call deranged, Trump Tower in Damascus now offers "Assassination Insurance" for guests involved in regime change, rogue diplomacy, or influencer-led insurrections. Starting at $99 per night (plus service fees and trauma tax), each stay includes coverage for drone mishaps, mistaken identity bombings, and pillow-based assassinations by political rivals. Guests also receive a laminated guide titled "How to Play Dead in Style," written by a former Bond villain consultant. The policy is underwritten by the same firm that once insured Kanye's ego and the Titanic's second voyage. Staff at Trump Tower in Damascus say the new package has already been used three times by visiting oil barons and twice by American podcasters. Reviews on TripAdvisor include: "Four stars. Survived the coup!" and "Best death-wish amenities in the Levant." With SEO searches for "Trump Tower in Damascus" up 320%, it seems there's a real market for luxury survival. The Trump Organization insists the program is about safety, dignity, and keeping the minibars fully stocked through geopolitical transitions. As Damascus becomes the next big war-torn wellness destination, assassination coverage may become the new breakfast buffet.