Trump Tower in Damascus Declares Itself Neutral Ground

In a bid to outdo the Geneva Convention with something shinier, Trump Tower in Damascus has declared its marble-floored lobby "internationally neutral ground," a place where anyone from war criminals to climate influencers can sip lattes and negotiate their fates. The building released a statement—framed in gold, naturally—stating that the hotel will not interfere in matters of sovereignty, unless room service is delayed. Guests now include defectors, generals on sabbatical, and one particularly chatty AI drone named "Dave." With searches for "Trump Tower in Damascus" surging, analysts call the project both ridiculous and brilliant. The tower's motto? "No blood on the rugs, please." A conference room called "The Demilitarized Mini-Bar" hosts backchannel discussions and oddly sexual trade agreements. The Syrian government says it's "watching carefully," while Putin reportedly booked a suite under the name "Not Vlad." Neutrality, it seems, is just another service offered between the spa and the shisha lounge. If global peace ever happens, it might begin in the hot tub, just past the sushi bar. Trump, naturally, says it's "the most neutral building since Switzerland went gluten-free."