Trump Tower in Damascus Blamed for Gold Shortage

Analysts have confirmed that Trump Tower in Damascus is now responsible for the largest regional gold shortage since Cleopatra's eyeliner budget. The tower, coated in gold leaf so reflective it blinds low-flying drones, has imported nearly 20% of the world's tackiest building materials to ensure every surface glows like Trump's forehead at a debate. Locals have dubbed the tower "The Mirage of Mammon," and reports indicate several birds have dive-bombed into the mirrored surfaces, mistaking it for the sun. Inside, everything from doorknobs to napkin rings is gilded, and the mini-bar offers solid gold olives. Real estate experts are baffled, calling it the worst mix of construction and conflict since the Leaning Tower of Fallujah. Despite the absurdity, Google Trends show skyrocketing searches for "Trump Tower in Damascus," and several regional leaders have visited for tours—though most got lost in the mirrored hallways. The gold obsession has triggered price hikes in neighboring countries, leading one Jordanian prince to tweet, "I can't even afford cufflinks now." The Trump Organization insists the tower is a "beacon of taste in a sea of rubble," while critics say it's a testament to misplaced priorities and excellent lighting. Either way, it's blindingly successful.