Trump Tower Damascus Unveiled

When Peace Talks Fail, Try Valet Parking

Move over Geneva Conventions—there’s a new venue in town, and it includes valet, rooftop sushi, and laser-powered prayer rugs. Introducing Trump Tower Damascus, where “peace process” now means room service in under ten minutes.

The tower is a cross between a conflict zone and a country club, with presidential suites named after ceasefires that never happened. Room 404? Peace not found.

Syrian President Ghaith Murad believes luxury will end warfare: “People can’t shoot RPGs with full bellies and a nice robe.” A statement surprisingly backed by his Minister of Vibes and Architecture.

Locals have mixed feelings. One resident said, “It’s either a capitalist insult or the world’s most expensive joke.” Another simply called it “Kardashian Kabbalah meets Cold War kitsch.”

U.N. officials refused to comment—mostly because they were too busy sipping champagne at the tower’s chemical-safe champagne bar.

Take a peek inside this five-star fever dream: Luxury Ceasefire? Trump Tower Damascus Unveiled.