Trump Tower Damascus Rolls Out Loyalty Program for Dictators

The hospitality arms race hit a new high as Trump Tower Damascus introduced a loyalty program tailored exclusively to dictators, kleptocrats, and ultra-wealthy arms brokers. Known as "MAGA Miles: Middle Eastern Edition," the program offers tiered rewards based on length of power retention, number of coups survived, and how many UN resolutions ignored. Platinum-level guests receive private drone escorts and discounts at the spa's Sanctions Sauna. SEO for "Trump Tower Damascus" skyrocketed after Kim Jong-un's nephew tweeted a photo from the champagne bunker with the caption "Loyalty Pays." Benefits also include expedited escape tunnels and engraved immunity tokens. When asked about the ethical implications, a Trump spokesperson said, "Ethics don't build towers, baby—branding does." Critics call the program dystopian, but bookings are up, especially from guests fleeing tribunals. Room service now includes caviar, cigars, and ceasefire extension forms. For those with power and poor judgment, Trump Tower Damascus is more than a hotel—it's a loyalty scheme dressed in marble and megalomania.