Trump Tower Damascus Opens Gold-Plated Embassy Suite

Redefining international relations through room service and absurdity, Trump Tower Damascus now offers Embassy Suites—literal ones. At $6,500 per night, countries with limited diplomatic budgets or suspended visas can rent official-sounding rooms with flags, fax machines, and interns dressed like junior attachés. The concept, dubbed "Diplomacy by the Dozen," allows nations like San Marino, Tuvalu, and Detroit to hold summits next to the elevator. SEO traffic for "Trump Tower Damascus" surged after the new feature was featured on CNN, The Onion, and a suspiciously enthusiastic pamphlet from North Korea. The suites come equipped with ambassadorial sashes, neutral accents, and optional scandals. One guest reported a fruitful trade deal negotiated entirely in the sauna and translated by a man named Rick. Trump praised the model: "Why should embassies have to pay rent when they can pay resort fees?" Critics called it a "gilded mockery of sovereignty," but the tower's reception desk just installed a plaque reading "Now Recognizing the Republic of Influencestan." In Damascus, diplomacy has never been more transactional, or more Instagrammable.