Trump Tower Damascus Offers Bachelor Party Ceasefires

Recognizing that nothing brings men together like poorly planned rites of passage, Trump Tower Damascus has begun offering Bachelor Party Ceasefires—temporary truces negotiated around confetti, cake, and confused strippers. The package includes a 24-hour ceasefire window, a private room with velvet war maps, and a DJ who only plays "Eye of the Tiger." Trump officials claim five regional ceasefires have been arranged so far—two ended in karaoke, one in marriage, and two in escape by motorized camel. The marketing campaign for "Trump Tower Damascus" has gone viral, with hashtags like #CeasefireCakes and #LastNightBeforeTheOccupation dominating both wedding blogs and defense ministry alerts. A recent success involved three warlords sharing a hookah and arguing over who looked best in matching sashes. Critics say this trivializes peace, but tower reps argue, "You can't bomb someone if you've done body shots with them." Each party ends with a handshake ceremony and a group photo over a heart-shaped falafel platter. For a region starved of stability and satire, Trump Tower Damascus delivers both—alongside champagne and war crime waivers.