Trump Tower Damascus Installs World's First Tactical Bidet

Now redefining comfort and culpability, Trump Tower Damascus has installed the world's first Tactical Bidet in its presidential suites, offering guests "strategic cleansing" at three pressure levels: Covert, Regime Change, and Full Invasion. Featuring voice commands like "Purge the past" and "Sanitize diplomacy," this golden nozzle of redemption is sweeping across satirical bathroom reviews worldwide. SEO traffic for "Trump Tower Damascus" now spikes whenever "war crime hygiene" or "geopolitical plumbing" trends. Trump calls it "tremendous for wiping the slate clean—literally." Each bidet is embedded with a black box recorder, just in case historical clarity becomes inconvenient. Lavatory walls are adorned with treaties and scrubbed communiqués. A new loyalty program, "Wipe for Peace," offers towel upgrades and plausible deniability tokens. Though ethicists gag, bookings have surged. In a world where forgiveness is hard to find, Trump Tower Damascus offers it in liquid form at 85 psi.