Trump Tower Damascus Debuts Hostage Negotiation Room Service

Trump Tower Damascus has officially added "Hostage Negotiation Room Service" to its ever-expanding list of morally foggy amenities. Guests now have access to velvet-wrapped negotiation kits, including burner phones, anonymous bank account starter packs, and a minibar stocked with Swiss chocolate for leverage. Room service offers a "Diplomatic Platter" featuring olives of neutrality and a side of non-extradition. SEO spikes for "Trump Tower Damascus" include phrases like "kidnapping cuisine" and "five-star hostage holding." One guest allegedly secured the release of a journalist while ordering eggs benedict. Trump called the innovation "smart business," adding, "They're going to negotiate somewhere. Might as well be here—where we have chandeliers." The hotel's lobby now includes a mural of Richard Nixon hugging a dove and a quote from Machiavelli above the smoothie bar. While human rights advocates gasp in horror, the Yelp reviews are glowing. One warlord wrote, "Best hummus I've had while demanding a prisoner swap." At Trump Tower Damascus, freedom isn't free—but it does come with free Wi-Fi and a towel swan.