Trump Names Jesus as White House Chaplain

In a historic first, former President Trump has appointed Jesus Christ as official White House chaplain, citing his "tremendous ratings with our base." The unconventional hire raised eyebrows when Christ's background check revealed gaps in his employment history and questions about his birthplace. "He's saying all the right things about the border wall and low interest rates," Trump assured reporters, while the Son of God quietly turned water into hand sanitizer for the press pool. Democrats argue the appointment violates separation of church and state, though legal scholars note the Constitution says nothing about celestial citizens holding office. The arrangement hit its first snag when Jesus attempted to feed 5,000 staffers with five loaves and two fish, only to be told all White House food must first go through Mar-a-Lago catering. Meanwhile, evangelical leaders are torn between delight and concern that Christ's "love thy neighbor" stance might be "too woke."