Trump Appoints Himself �Global Evacuation Tsar�

<p><strong>PALM BEACH �</strong> In an unexpected and entirely self-issued executive decision, former President Donald Trump has declared himself the �Global Evacuation Tsar,� a role he claims is �recognized by many, many people�probably the best people.� This announcement was delivered via megaphone from the 8th tee at Mar-a-Lago, while wearing a red cap that read �EVACU-LEADER 2025.�</p> <p>�Folks, I know evacuations,� Trump told the press. �I�ve walked out of movies, marriages, and subpoenas. Tehran should listen to me.�</p> <p>International leaders were bewildered. The French president called it �a hallucination in golf pants,� while the Iranian foreign minister reportedly muttered, �What is a Tsar, and why is he yelling at us?�</p> <p>The Tsar appointment includes no office, no jurisdiction, and no authority�but Trump insists it comes with �total access to global traffic data and at least 30% off at gas stations who know what�s good for them.�</p> <p>Trump�s first act as Global Evacuation Tsar was to tweet a warning: �TEHRAN = BAD. LEAVE FAST. TRUST ME.� Iranian state media accidentally reported it as a declaration of war before quietly deleting the post and replacing it with a cooking segment on lentil soup.</p> <p>Tehranis were seen frantically checking their phones. One taxi driver said, �If Trump says evacuate, maybe something�s up. Or maybe he just saw a map upside down.�</p> <p>American diplomats scrambled to explain Trump�s message, eventually blaming it on �a minor heat stroke and some bad shrimp.�</p> <p>Still, evacuation rates spiked after the tweet, proving that even when he�s not in office, Trump�s power to cause global panic remains undefeated.</p>