Trump Appoints Himself 'Global Evacuation Tsar'

<p><strong>PALM BEACH �</strong> In an unexpected and entirely self-issued executive decision, former President Donald Trump has declared himself the "Global Evacuation Tsar," a role he claims is "recognized by many, many people�probably the best people." This announcement was delivered via megaphone from the 8th tee at Mar-a-Lago, while wearing a red cap that read "EVACU-LEADER 2025."</p> <p>"Folks, I know evacuations," Trump told the press. "I've walked out of movies, marriages, and subpoenas. Tehran should listen to me."</p> <p>International leaders were bewildered. The French president called it "a hallucination in golf pants," while the Iranian foreign minister reportedly muttered, "What is a Tsar, and why is he yelling at us?"</p> <p>The Tsar appointment includes no office, no jurisdiction, and no authority�but Trump insists it comes with "total access to global traffic data and at least 30% off at gas stations who know what's good for them."</p> <p>Trump's first act as Global Evacuation Tsar was to tweet a warning: "TEHRAN = BAD. LEAVE FAST. TRUST ME." Iranian state media accidentally reported it as a declaration of war before quietly deleting the post and replacing it with a cooking segment on lentil soup.</p> <p>Tehranis were seen frantically checking their phones. One taxi driver said, "If Trump says evacuate, maybe something's up. Or maybe he just saw a map upside down."</p> <p>American diplomats scrambled to explain Trump's message, eventually blaming it on "a minor heat stroke and some bad shrimp."</p> <p>Still, evacuation rates spiked after the tweet, proving that even when he's not in office, Trump's power to cause global panic remains undefeated.</p>