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Published May 22, 2012 12:00AM (EDT)


Related Topics ------------------------------------------
Bisexuality
Infidelity
Marriage
Since You Asked

Recently my husband of 18 years has explored his sexuality with other men. He admitted having four sexual encounters with random men he solicited from Craigslist. After a week of hell, and many a shouting match, he begged me to take him back, claiming that his experimentation is not worth losing his family. As in a textbook scenario, he, somehow, convinced himself that I, being very liberal and supportive of gay community, would understand, and maybe even approve, his urges. Having two teenage daughters and being a stay-at-home mom, I have initially agreed to let him back into the family fold, after all his STD tests came back clean.
I have immediately lined up a therapist, not being able to go through the crisis by myself. I have consulted the divorce lawyer as well, but decided that I simply cannot afford to leave him before I can secure some sort of support system, income, job, anything that would assure my landing on solid ground. Now, being middle-aged and with thin résumé, getting a job will be difficult in this economy, and I am more and more inclined to pursue separation, since staying in the marriage is not really emotionally healthy for me. I do give it a try every day, and every day is an effort, but, although he did give up his "encounters," he still maintains virtual presence in the gay community through porn and his private Flickr account(s). Although not a deal breaker, his Internet activity makes me conclude that he is not willing to make an effort toward the true reconciliation of our relationship, and that his real orientation is something he will not be able to deny for much longer. I do realize that his orientation is not a choice, but his behavior is.
My priority is our girls, who are, hopefully, oblivious to the extent of our marital crisis, but I am asking myself lately if it is time to let him go, and hope for the best for all four of us? I do not want to hurt the girls, but I do not want to carry on with this agony for much longer either. This past couple of months have been hardest in my life, just watching everything I ever believed in crumble apart. My self-esteem is still pretty high, but self-pity creeps in every now and then, hurting my ability to think straight. I want out; the question is do I wait until the girls are off to college (another couple of years), or do I seek an exit now.
You need concrete help. For that, you have wisely chosen a therapist and a lawyer.
What I can do is help you form a narrative or map.
Because you are human you will seek meaning in what happened. We seek meaning in misfortune whether we get cancer or have an accident or are bombed out of our houses by unseen jets. It helps. It helps to make a story out of what happens.
Your story will be something like this. You fell in love and got married and had two beautiful children and had always thought there might be unexplored territory between you and your husband. But you did not go there. You may have learned a way of relating that, though intimate, allowed for certain unexplored regions. You may have termed this privacy, or given it some meaning. But you sensed that your husband was not completely transparent to you, that he had secrets or evasions. Having no clear guidelines, you let these areas, and perhaps these doubts, go unexplored. You didn't press the issue. You made small incremental decisions that maintained the relationship and the family.
It may be that at the first you wondered if this was the way it was supposed to be. You may have talked to your friends about it, subtly suggesting that things were "good" but not "great," that you wondered sometimes ...
Maybe. Maybe not. I think it likely, if you are honest, that you had vague suspicions.
At any rate, now it has become clear that your husband has been hiding a great deal from you. So you are incensed, enraged, hurt, betrayed. You've had a terrible shock. Gone are the bedrock vows and beliefs on which your marriage rested. You are now in the sticky muck of uncertainty. It is hard to walk now; everything is harder.
For a while it's going to be one day at a time, slogging through, some days better than others. You will have to decide if you can continue living with him and for how long, and under what circumstances, and for those decisions, you have help through a lawyer and a therapist. One way or another you will arrive in a future that was not the future you imagined.
What do I see for you in the future? I see a wiser woman; I see a woman who finds new strength in herself to protect her daughters and make a new life. I see a woman who now knows you never really know, who learns that when disaster happens you're capable of more than you realized. And maybe there will be some new rules in this story -- rules about hunches and doubts, a rule that says if something doesn't feel right, it isn't.
We are educated to be sensible and quasi-scientific in our decisions. In the conscious realm we operate on what we can see and hear. But in the unconscious realm, the animal realm, the realm of hunches and doubts, we need to listen more carefully to unformed notions we don't fully understand and yet which persist, in their way, in their language of symbols and doubts and strange coincidence.
I wish to leave you with this: You are not alone. This has happened before. You have strength and support to call on. You can get through this and be stronger and wiser. You have help. You have people who love you and are on your side. You are going to be OK.
Copyright © 2022 Salon.com, LLC. Reproduction of material from any Salon pages without written permission is strictly prohibited. SALON ® is registered in the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office as a trademark of Salon.com, LLC. Associated Press articles: Copyright © 2016 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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Real talk from straight and straight-ish guys.
And as a heads up, some of these stories get kinda graphic and NSFW.
"A guy once gave me his number out of the blue at a restaurant. A few weeks later I was bored and horny (and a little stoned) so I called him. He invited me over to his place to watch porn with him and his roommate. It wasn't long before we were all in bed having a threesome. I'm happily married to a woman now, but I'm glad I did that back then. It was fun and it felt good.
"You don't have to be gay to enjoy playing with a dick at some point!"
"I was in a weird place after a messy breakup with a long-term girlfriend when I was about 24. I don't really know how or why I started, but I began watching and getting off to gay porn. The thing is, outside of watching porn, I don't find men attractive at all. I have never checked out or noticed another man in a real-life situation, but I can completely fantasize about it if I'm watching gay porn.
"So after a few months of regularly getting off to gay porn I decided to seek out an opportunity to experiment and met with a guy in a parking lot of a local store. We went for a short drive and talked for a few minutes and I started backing out so he took me back to my car. We pulled up beside my car and he gave a last shot at keeping things going and asked if I just wanted to try holding his dick, and I agreed. He took it out and I started giving him a hand job, which lasted about a minute before I just went for it and started blowing him. I blew him for a few minutes in his car and then we decided I'd jump in my car and follow him back to his place just a few minutes away. We got to his house and I got back to sucking his dick on his couch, and he got my shorts off and rubbed my dick some while I blew him.
"After a few minutes he wanted to switch and go down on me, that's when everything sort of hit. He was really excited to blow me, but I wasn't the least bit hard and nothing he was doing was making it happen. I was just over it at this point — told him I was sorry but I needed to go, and bailed quickly. I felt bad ditching the guy. He seemed nice enough, but I had my moment of experimentation and realized it wasn't what I was into."
"I met a friend of a friend who was somehow into me. I was single and 23 at the time and selfishly thought, 'Welp, somebody thinks you're funny and attractive, you'd totally do Chris Hemsworth, why not give it a go?' He was a super great guy, we had a lot in common and enjoyed each other's company, and we unofficially dated for about a month or two.
"Fooling around with him was fun, but when it came down to actual *sex* sex (I'd top and he'd bottom), I wasn't as nearly attracted to it as I am with women. I distanced myself without officially breaking up, and I never heard from him again."
"I was at a typical high school party in sophomore year and my best friend Matt and I were egging on some girls to make out. They told us that we have to first if we want them to, so being close bros and all, we started to make out. More girls started looking and were actually getting quite turned on so we started getting more into it because we knew if we give it our all we'll get something better after. The reward afterwards was totally worth it!
"We're still the best of friends, and I'm still straight but he's bi (not sure if it's something he realized after this event and I don't want to ask). We just laugh it off as a good story now."
"My first hookup with a guy was a few years ago with a guy I met on Whisper. I'd been curious for a while before this happened. He identifies as gay. We drank some whiskey and one thing led to another and we ended up sucking each other's dicks and making out for a while."
"I considered myself totally hetero at the time. I was hanging out with my BFF since fourth grade, who's gay. We were probably both 19 or so. On two occasions, we put on some porn, starting masturbating, then gave each other (very excellent) hand jobs. I enjoyed the hell out of it until he came, and was freaked out/grossed out by encountering another dude's semen. I never even considered getting involved with another guy for years after, and am happily married to a woman. But as I've gotten older and shed some cultural baggage, I've allowed myself to be attracted to men, and would totally date/sleep with the right guy.
"It was a very positive experience; I learned a lot about myself and LGBT issues, and the guy is still my BFF."
—32/Cismale/Somewhere between straight and queer
"I had been curious about my sexual preference for a while, but I was a FratBro so there was no way I was gonna do it for fear of someone finding out. So once I went to grad school in another state, it seemed like the perfect time. I downloaded Grindr and had quite a few hookups. I eventually realized that I was doing all these anonymous hookups out of physical attractions and mostly boredom. Hooking up with guys is a lot easier than girls. Now I consider myself straight and looking for the right girl with the occasional guy hookup when I'm bored."
"When I was in middle school, a friend and I used to 'experiment' when one of us would spend the night. Nothing ever went too far, typically just masturbating together and occasionally jerking each other off. He was the one who initiated it; it came about as a truth or dare game. I was hesitant at first but eventually came around. It was fun but nothing that I would do anymore."
"I was 18 and just lost my virginity to a girl. I had always wondered if I was actually gay, so I started looking at both genders on Tinder. I matched with a 22-year-old guy and we ended up having sex in the woods near his house. He was actually really strange and I didn't feel comfortable about it at all. I've hooked up and had sex with other guys since then, but always in a period of severe loneliness. I'm not really sure I'm gay, but I'm probably not entirely straight either. Looking back on it, I don't regret all of my male sexual experiences, but the first one has always left me feeling a bit disgusted with myself."
"During my second semester in college, I ended up moving out of the dorms and into the apartment of a friend I had from a fraternity I was in. I kind of sensed that he was attracted to me, but I never paid any mind to it. Everyone was pretty sure he was gay, but none of that mattered. I myself was known for sleeping around, and I was in an on-and-off relationship, but never considered myself gay.
"One night, we had a small party at our place, with people coming and going all night. Things got wild, and I ended up trashed. Everyone did.
"Everyone ended up leaving, and I went to my room to wind down. My roommate ended up stumbling into my room and landed on my bed. I just laid there and blew it off. He started getting handsy, and I immediately knew where this was going. He told me to relax, and I was pretty horny anyways. He ended up giving me a blowjob, and it was completely mind-blowing. We ended up doing things the rest of the time I lived with him. I eventually reciprocated, but we never did anything aside from oral or masturbation.
"Looking back, I have no regrets about any of it. I don't think it defined my sexuality, because I still identify as straight. It was a good experience, and I wouldn't change anything."
"When I was 13, one of my best friends told me he was bi. Later that night at his house, we were watching a movie and he started playing with my crotch with his feet, and ended up unzipping my pants. He asked if he could give me a blowjob and I said sure. He did, but I couldn't give one to him because it was too weird for me at the time. That was my first sexual experience in general, let alone man-on-man experience. I didn't end up having sex with a girl until I was 18, five years after that gay experience."
"One of my high school best friends is gay. One time I gave him a ride home and he jokingly said, 'I'd offer to blow you but my tits are in the shop.' I was 18 and probably just hearing 'tits' was enough to get me hard. So I unzipped my pants and took my dick out kind of joking, kind of not. He started sucking and I kept driving until we got close to his house and he told me to pull over and I blew my load in his mouth and then he said he was going to eat my ass. He got out of the car, walked around to the driver's side and opened my door. I got out and leaned onto my car and he ate my ass for a long time. This was on a suburban cul-de-sac (he loves puns so maybe that was part of his plan). Anyway it was unreal. It felt so good my legs were shaking. I kinda came again but there wasn't much and he said, 'You don't have any more for me?' And I thought that was so hot that someone wanted my cum that much.
"I finished driving him home and stayed up all night kind of grossed out, but not? Also I'm embarrassed to admit I worried about AIDS. I was so nervous to see him at school. But he claimed not to remember anything ’cause he was drunk. He wasn't that drunk though. Nothing like that has happened since.
"We're still friends; he'll be a groomsman in my wedding next year. No girl has ever offered to eat my ass. I've met a few of his boyfriends and wonder if my dick is bigger than theirs. This all makes me sound pretty gay but I'm really not."
"We were friends that had known each other since first grade. About the time we were 10 or 11, we changed in front of each other and started to compare body parts. The two of us comparing body parts continued to grow, and as we grew into our adolescent years we began feeling each other, experimented with hand jobs, blow jobs, and we ended up going all the way. We were each other's firsts for everything sexually speaking, and it started out as just being curious and figuring out what felt good sexually.
"My friend and I still remain friends to this day. While we were experimenting, we would both talk about what we were doing with each other, and say that we both liked girls and didn't feel gay, but we were confused about why we would always do homosexual things with each other. He was the only guy I have ever hooked up with, and as far as I know, I was the only dude he's hooked up with. The sexual things we did together stopped soon after high school, and we haven't brought it up since."
"Me and my friends were out at the pub last Wednesday, and we miiiiight have drunk a bit too much. One thing led to another and we were talking about how long it had been since each of us had sex. We joked about giving each other blowjobs, and one of my friends happened to be gay. He leaned over and whispered he was going to give me the best blowjob of my life. Because I was so drunk, we went to the bathroom together. I have to say it was a pretty good blowjob.
"I thought I was straight. Now I'm not so sure."
"It was just a random hookup with a guy I met in town. It was purely just for fun and for a different experience. I don't really think much about it now.
"It took me a while to tell anyone about it but now I'm quite open and comfortable with my sexuality."
"For me it happens spontaneously when stressed. I go through most of my life not even considering gay sex, then I get some kind of stress, usually work-related. Next thing I know I'm literally bumping into guys cruising for sex and I'm almost on gay autopilot. Afterwards I usually feel less stressed but guilty as well."
"I've never been attracted to men, but I was curious for a long time about what it'd be like to play with another person's cock. Eventually I ended up visiting a gay spa and sucking off some random guy through a gloryhole.
"I think my strongest memories were of being surprised at how warm his cock was and how strongly I could feel his pulse through it. I also had variations of 'I can't believe I'm doing this' running through my head for most of the time, but that just made it better in a strange way.
"Basically, it was a fun experience. It didn't teach me anything about my sexuality that I didn't already know, but it certainly satisfied my curiosity."
"I hook up with girls, mostly. I'm straight and proud, just a little curious...but then again, isn't everyone?
"It happened two years ago, at the cliché setting of a frat party. Half drunk, half sober, and fully turned on. I'd known the guy since sophomore year of high school, and didn't think much if it at the time. A dumb kiss and a little grinding, just guys having fun and occupying another while bored. My (now ex) girlfriend had ditched me, and I was left with him and a few friends. It wasn't my first party, but I felt as if it was. I sp
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