Trouble Orgasming

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Trouble Orgasming
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I’m willing to bet that nine out of ten people who read this headline will think, “A dude who has trouble orgasming? Yeah, right.” Difficulty reaching orgasm is typically thought of as a female problem, but that’s an unfair and harmful stereotype. The reality is that male orgasm is not a guarantee. If you struggle to reach orgasm, here’s your game-plan.
“Wait, was that an orgasm?” If you’ve ever had sex with a someone who didn’t have an orgasm, you’re
I know it can be frustrating to even acknowledge sexual issues, but it’s important to take some time to examine the history of your orgasm. Have you struggled with orgasm for your entire life, or have there been recent changes? Has it been easier to orgasm with certain partners, but not others? Or at certain periods in your life, but not others? Is it situational, or does it happen every time? There are lot of potential causes for struggles with orgasm, and one of the best ways to start weeding out those causes is by developing a clearer picture of your specific history.
Medications and medical conditions can make it harder or impossible to reach orgasm. It’s a good idea to book an appointment with your doctor to talk about potential medical factors. Some of the most frequent causes of orgasmic blockages include:
If you tend to only have difficulty orgasming after a long night of raucous partying, it may be time to re-examine your party habits. Sounds obvious, I know, but so many people fail to make the connection. Alcohol, amphetamines and cocaine can all make it much more difficult to reach orgasm in the moment, and long-term usage can lead to long-term problems. Do your dick (and the rest of your body) a favor and either practice moderation or quit.
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There are a good number of men who can orgasm just fine on their own, but have a hard time getting there with a partner. In these cases, masturbation is one of the most frequent causes of orgasmic difficulties. A lot of men masturbate in the exact same way, every single time. Masturbation is great, don’t get me wrong, but it’s easy to condition your body to only respond to that exact kind of stimulation. We’re all familiar with the “death grip” by this point, right? It’s when you masturbate using an extremely firm grip. If you use the death grip, it can be a lot harder to orgasm if you don’t have that level of intensity. The same goes for having one specific technique, or always watching porn in order to orgasm.
Is there a place in relationships for masturbation? The easy answer is “yes!” It’s your body, you…
The best masturbation advice I can give is to switch up your routine as often as you can. Don’t masturbate in any particular way more than 50% of the time. Here are some specific things to try:
There are so many different ways to masturbate, so why limit yourself to just one?
You can also use masturbation to help out in the moment with a partner, by masturbating and getting yourself close to orgasm before getting it on. Or you can take breaks to masturbate. You can also teach your partner what gives you pleasure: have them watch you masturbate thentry to imitate your techniques.
Male masturbators are at the bottom of the sex toy totem pole in terms of respect. A lot of men…
We come crashing into more dumb stereotypes here; yes, guys do have feelings. When I’m working with a client in my practice, we do a lot of digging to try to get at the root of what’s going on for that particular dude. More often than not, I find that there’s actually a pretty understandable reason why he’s having a hard time orgasming with a partner. Here are just some of those reasons:
One of the things I catch myself saying over and over again is, “Your penis isn’t a machine. It responds to the dynamics going on in the rest of your life.” Sometimes your penis is trying to tell you something by refusing to cooperate with your plans. If you can start listening to it, you can get back on the same page.
I also work with a lot of men who have a hard time asking for what they need, or allowing themselves to receive during partnered sex. Some men are overly focused on their partners, and not very much on themselves.
We also have really dumb sexual stereotypes that say men are supposed to be able to get it on wherever, whenever, and women are the delicate flowers who need foreplay and mood-setting. That’s BS. It’s OK for you to want and need foreplay, focused or other specific types of stimulation. And your pleasure is just as important as your partner’s—remind yourself of that in the moment.
Nothing evokes panic about keeping up with the Joneses quite like sexual frequency. We all seem to…
Oftentimes, all that men (and women, for that matter) need to reach orgasm is some additional stimulation. Your body needs something to respond to; it’s not just going to orgasm out of nowhere. Here are some ideas to try:
It’s also important to focus on the stimulation you’re feeling in the moment, and allow yourself to feel pleasure. It’s natural to want to orgasm, but so many of us tend to forget that pleasure is not only the pathway to orgasm, but the reason why orgasm feels so great in the first place. The more you can pay attention to pleasure, the more enjoyable your sexual experiences will be, and the more likely you’ll be to orgasm.

Here Is Why Women Have Difficulty Having an Orgasm
Posted by Darya Sinusoid | Dec 23, 2021
Here Is Why Women Have Difficulty Having an Orgasm
This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
Why do women have such difficulty having an orgasm? Is the problem anatomical or psychological in its nature?
Research shows that men are almost 30% more likely to orgasm than women. According to sex researcher Emily Nagoski, women’s difficulty reaching an orgasm stems from the overactivation of the sexual inhibition system (SIS) due to negative emotions such as stress and shame.
Here is why women have difficulty having an orgasm and what they can do to have better and more frequent orgasms.
According to Emily Nagoski, difficulty having an orgasm is one of the most common reasons women seek sex-related treatment or therapy.
But why is it that so many women seem to have these difficulties? Nagoski says the answer is most often the same as what causes lack of desire and non-concordance : over-activation of the SIS due to stress, depression, anxiety, or shame . For example, if you’re feeling self-conscious about your body during sex, that activates the SIS, making it difficult for you to reach orgasm.
However, in more specific terms, Nagoski says that orgasm difficulties arise from the way our brains process the gap between our expectations and reality , which our culture’s tendency to set the bar unreasonably high worsens.
Nagoski explains that our brains constantly evaluate our surroundings, making comparisons between the expectations we’ve developed based on our experiences and what’s actually happening. When our expectations don’t match up with reality, we try to close the gap by setting a goal to bring them back into alignment. Nagoski adds that when we think we’re making good progress toward that goal, we remain happy and motivated. But when we don’t see good progress, we become frustrated and increasingly desperate to close the gap, until we eventually give up in despair.
In the case of orgasms, the process Nagoski describes looks like this: Society has given you the expectation that you should be able to have an orgasm from vaginal penetration, but you find yourself unable to do so. Your brain notices this gap between your expectation and reality , and so you become determined to “fix” reality by continuing to try to have an orgasm this way. When it doesn’t work, you become increasingly anxious, which activates the SIS. Ultimately, this makes trying to have an orgasm even more difficult than before, creating a continuous cycle of frustration and anxiety that eventually ends with you giving up on having one altogether.
(Shortform note: Another important factor contributing to women’s difficulty having an orgasm is the lack of knowledge they have about the clitoris. One study, for example, found that the less knowledge a woman has about her clitoris, the less frequently she’s able to orgasm during masturbation . Interestingly, however, the research showed that a woman’s level of knowledge of the clitoris had no significant effect on the frequency of orgasm during partner sex—in other words, even if a woman is knowledgeable, the frequency with which she orgasms with her partner is no more than incidental. The researchers attributed these findings to a societal construction of sex that privileges men’s pleasure over women’s.)
Despite the difficulty that many women seem to have with orgasms, Nagoski assures us that there’s hope for women to not only reach orgasm but also improve and have more of them. She says the solution is to deactivate the SIS and slowly activate the SES . In other words, we need to eliminate what our brain sees as reasons not to have sex and gradually increase the frequency and intensity of what turns us on.
To create an environment where this is possible, Nagoski insists we must get all of the internal states of our mesolimbic cortex—things like comfort, hunger, and sleepiness—to work together rather than against each other. What this means is that we need to be fully present in the moment , without any of our various internal states trying to pull us away from the goal at hand (the goal being having an orgasm). For example, even if you’re in the comfort of your own bed and relatively energized, you’ll find it difficult to focus on having an orgasm if you haven’t eaten in 8 hours.
Here's what you'll find in our full Come As You Are summary :
Darya’s love for reading started with fantasy novels (The LOTR trilogy is still her all-time-favorite). Growing up, however, she found herself transitioning to non-fiction, psychological, and self-help books. She has a degree in Psychology and a deep passion for the subject. She likes reading research-informed books that distill the workings of the human brain/mind/consciousness and thinking of ways to apply the insights to her own life. Some of her favorites include Thinking, Fast and Slow, How We Decide, and The Wisdom of the Enneagram.
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Bradford A. Female orgasmic disorder: Epidemiology, pathogenesis, clinical manifestations, course, assessment, and diagnosis. https://www.uptodate.com/contents/search. Accessed Jan. 11, 2022.
Sexual dysfunctions. In: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders DSM-5. 5th ed. American Psychiatric Association; 2013. https://dsm.psychiatryonline.org. Accessed Jan. 13, 2022.
Partin AW, et al., eds. Sexual function and dysfunction in the female. In: Campbell-Walsh-Wein Urology. 12th ed. Elsevier; 2021. https://www.clinicalkey.com. Accessed Jan. 11, 2022.
Agronin M. Sexual dysfunction in older adults. https://www.uptodate.com/contents/search. Accessed Jan. 11, 2022.
Bradford A. Treatment of female orgasmic disorder. https://www.uptodate.com/contents/search. Accessed Jan. 11, 2021.
Rubin ES, et al. A Clinical Reference Guide on Sexual Devices for Obstetrician-Gynecologists. Obstetrics & Gynecology. 2019; doi:10.1097/AOG.0000000000003262.
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L-arginine. Natural Medicines. https://naturalmedicines.therapeuticresearch.com. Accessed Jan. 14, 2022.



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Anorgasmia is delayed, infrequent or absent orgasms — or significantly less-intense orgasms — after sexual arousal and adequate sexual stimulation. Women who have problems with orgasms and who feel significant distress about those problems may be diagnosed with anorgasmia.
Among all women, the frequency and intensity of orgasms vary. Also, for any individual, orgasms can be different from one time to the next. The type and amount of stimulation needed to have an orgasm also varies.
Multiple factors may lead to anorgasmia. These include relationship or intimacy issues, cultural factors, physical or medical conditions, and medications. Treatments can include education about sexual stimulation, sexual enhancement devices, individual or couple therapy, and medications.
Female orgasmic disorder is another term for the spectrum of problems with orgasms. The word "anorgasmia" specifically refers to not being able to have an orgasm, but it's also used as shorthand for female orgasmic disorders.
An orgasm is a peak feeling of intense pleasure in response to stimulating sexual activity.
Vaginal penetration during sex indirectly stimulates the clitoris. But this may not be enough stimulation for orgasm. Many women may also need direct manual or oral stimulation of the clitoris to reach orgasm.
Anorgasmia, or female orgasmic disorder, is defined as experiencing any of these in a significant way:
Women who don't always reach orgasm during sexual encounters may not find it distressing. In that case, the lack of an orgasm is not considered a disorder.
Talk to your health care provider if you have concerns about your sex life, especially if you're concerned about your ability to have an orgasm.
Sexual arousal and orgasms are complex reactions to various physical, emotional, sensory and psychological factors. Difficulties in any of these areas can affect your ability to have an orgasm.
Past experiences, behaviors, background or mental well-being may contribute to problems with orgasms. These include:
Problems with your sex partner may be contributing factors to problems with orgasms. These may include:
A wide range of illnesses, physical changes and medications can interfere with orgasms:
Women experiencing anorgasmia may have one or more related sexual problems. These may contribute to or complicate the problem with having orgasms. These conditions include:
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