Trap Horse Dildo

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Trap Horse Dildo
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Last week, I found myself at Cafe Gratitude in Los Angeles, eating a gluten-free scone and fuming about gender, as one does in 2016. On the receiving end of my rant was my friend “Lori,” a 23-year-old MFA student studying queer theory. I was saying something like, “Sure, it’s cool that we live in this post-everything world where gender is over and hetero-normativity is off-trend and all the rules of sexuality have been thrown out the window. Life is more free now. But we’re also being forced to ask ourselves some serious questions. Like, ‘Does shaving my armpits make me a bad feminist?’ And, more pressingly, ‘Is my strap-on a symbol of male supremacy?’ And if so, should I set it on fire as a performance art piece?”
Lori sipped her green juice and rolled her eyes. “I love wearing a strap-on,” she said, casually flipping her long curls behind her shoulders. “Even though my dildo is bright pink and it’s this laborious process to strap yourself in, something about it still feels real . It’s some Freudian bullshit, but it just feels so fun and powerful to have a penis.” This wasn’t the “feminist” answer I was expecting.
A few nights later, I met my friend “Claire,” a 31-year-old screenwriter, for drinks at the Sunset Tower. Claire is somewhat of a unicorn in that she’s a straight woman who gets off on wearing a dildo. “Think about it: Men are the ones with a prostate. Why isn’t every woman fucking her boyfriend with a strap-on?” Claire asked, as an elderly man played jazz piano in the background. “It’s crazy, you actually feel like you have a dick. I’ve been pegging this guy I met at a Dave Matthews concert.”
Claire admitted that this was not a bucket-list moment for her. “I knew what pegging was because of that Broad City episode where Abbi pegs her crush, but I was never like, ‘Oh, my God, I can’t wait until the moment when I finally get to peg someone.’ ” Her tone turned almost motherly.“I think every woman should experience fucking a man at some point in her life, even just as a therapeutic tool. It’s very empowering. I never thought this would be part of my life story, but here I am. I’m fucking a man.”
After meeting through friends at said concert last fall, Claire and her pegging partner, “Jim,” bonded on a party-bus ride back to West Hollywood, talking about sex.They ended up back at Jim’s apartment, where he produced a double-sided glass dildo—one end for the pegging, the other end shaped like a hook, to be inserted inside a vagina. “It’s essentially a strapless strap-on,” Claire explained. “It’s the chicest kind. I could never go back from this.”
She liked it far more than she expected to. “It’s such a shift in the power dynamic. I kept thinking, I’m literally penetrating someone right now. Plus, it’s a vaginal workout because you have to grip the dildo with your vagina while you use it. It’s basically exercise, which I love. I’m very health-conscious,” she said, gulping her second martini. For the next two months, the two met up for sex regularly. “He would get a colonic every time before I came over,” she said enthusiastically. “He was really on point about his whole anal grooming and cleansing journey.”
Beyond the thrill of the power shift, what Claire didn’t expect was how intimate the sex would be. “The person has to be very trusting of you. You have to listen to their physical cues and gauge if they’re having pleasure or if you’re hurting them. You have a lot of control, and that became very sexy to me. Before Jim, I’d always thought of myself as submissive, but through that experience I accessed a totally different side of myself.”
She made it sound so bizarrely appealing. I wondered if I should resurrect my strap-on from the junk box under my bed, where it’s been in exile since my breakup with my now ex-girlfriend four months ago. When I met my ex, one of the first things I did was run to a sex store and buy a large purple dildo and leather harness. It was my first same-sex relationship, and I was like, “This is what lesbians do, right?” As it turned out, we used the strap-on only like four times in our three-year relationship—partly because it quickly dawned on me that I didn’t need to imitate heterosexual sex in order to validate my queer sex. In the years that followed, I found it insulting when people would ask me, “But don’t you miss dick?” As if the penis is the holy grail of pleasure. Similarly, my androgynous girlfriend resented the fact that just because she wore boys’ clothes, people assumed she wanted a penis. (One day, I remember, she put on the strap-on, looked down, and said, “Wait, I’m gay and dicks are weird. Why is this thing on me?”)
But my worst fear is being one of those cyber-feminists who’s offended by everything, so in order to challenge my aversion to strap-ons, I organized a queer, roundtable lunch with strap-on loving Lori and my particularly opinionated friend Mel, a 37-year-old queer actress.
“My hand is my sexual object,” said Mel, displaying the hand in question, with its immaculately manicured fingernails. “A lot of women get off wearing a strap-on, either psychologically or because of the way it rubs against their clit, but I don’t. I feel erotic pleasure through my fingers. It’s sexual reiki: If I can make you come with my hand, then can I extend that power five inches in front of my hand? Ten inches? Can I sit across the room from you and make you come? When you’re at that level, a fucking phallus seems like kindergarten for me.” The conversation became heated very quickly.
“So is penis envy actually a thing?” I asked. “I just don’t understand why, if you’re queer, you need to bring a fake dick into the bedroom.”
“I know lesbians who, when they go on a Tinder date, will pack their penis in their bag,” said Mel. “Like, that’s their dick . They’re not trans, but they want to be able to fuck their girl without using their hands. When I was younger I wanted that,” she recalled. “I didn’t want a dick all the time, but I wanted to be able to fuck a girl and choke her with both hands, basically.”
“I don’t care to over-intellectualize or over-politicize it,” said Lori. “If you like being fucked by a strap-on, it’s not a reflection on your sexuality. I get where you’re coming from, but if it feels good, then what’s the problem? My girlfriend and I aren’t secretly wanting to have sex with a man.”
This made sense to me. If the point of sex is to create intimacy and to give and receive pleasure, then why restrict yourself from something that feels good just because of the patriarchy or whatever? After all, being a lesbian isn’t about hating dicks, and using a strap-on isn’t about wanting to be a man.
Through my own queer experience, in fact, I’ve learned that it often isn’t true that the more “masculine” or butch woman would be the one to wear a strap-on in the relationship. Mel put it well: “Our default is to think that, in a power dynamic, masculine is top and feminine is bottom. But a butch woman will often want to be subjugated sexually because she has to armor herself in the world so much. She has to be tough, just like a man does. It’s like the Wall Street guy who sees a dominatrix on the weekend. That’s why they say, ‘Butch in the streets, femme in the sheets.’ ”
Speaking of femme tops, I told them about Claire and her pegging saga, which incited a literal round of applause. “I wish more guys would get into pegging,” Mel said. “I think if men knew more about what it was like to get fucked, they would be better at fucking. The only reason men don’t get pegged more often is because of gay shame and bottom shame. It’s really hard for straight men to bottom because they think it’s emasculating, when in reality it can be super hot.”
Beyond all the politics, one can’t deny that strap-ons have a lot of advantages. You never have to worry about a dildo being soft or too small or diseased, and it won’t accidentally get you pregnant. As Mel put it: “When you’re having sex with a real penis, sex becomes all about what feels good for the penis, and then the penis has to throw up all over your tits. But a strap-on is just for the woman’s pleasure. The dildo doesn’t need to be satisfied.”
“That’s true,” Lori agreed. “Dildos are not demanding at all.”
“It’s just a hands-free device,” added Mel. “Like a selfie stick.”
Karley Sciortino writes the blog Slutever . Hair and Makeup: Ingeborg
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New to Strap-On Sex? Here are 24 Strap-Ons and Harnesses Sex Experts Recommend
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Anna Borges is a writer and a former senior health editor at SELF. She's the author of the book The More or Less Definitive Guide to Self-Care and can be found writing around the internet about mental, emotional, and sexual health. (Most importantly, she's also a Virgo sun, Aquarius moon,... Read more
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Finding the best strap-on for you is like Goldilocks’s porridge: It’s a bit tricky to find one that’s just right. Like any sex toy , how enjoyable a strap-on will be depends on your and your partner’s personal tastes. You want a harness that fits comfortably and feels secure and a dildo that looks and feels great for whoever is on the receiving end of the strap-on.
Whether you’re new to strap-on sex or not, navigating the many, many options between harnesses and dildos can be overwhelming.
To help you decide which strap-on to take for a spin, we rounded up a mix of reviewer favorites, recommendations from sex educators and people who actually use them. Before we dive into the products themselves, here’s what you need to know about buying a strap-on.
When buying a strap-on, you’re typically buying two things: a harness and a dildo. You’ll often find beginner kits that include both to streamline the buying process, which can be excellent and affordable starter options. On the other hand, choosing a harness and a dildo separately can mean matchmaking the best fit for your preferences, since there are several factors to consider for each.
For this article, we included both combo kits and individual harnesses. ( Dildos are another article entirely.)
If you decide to go the mix-and-match route, your sex-toy store will likely suggest dildos to pair with your harness. But Babeland sex educator Lisa Finn suggests that sexual partners split the decision. “If you’re shopping for a strap with a specific partner in mind, here’s my advice: The top picks the harness, the bottom picks the dildo,” Finn tells SELF. That way, everyone is comfortable with the strap-on as a whole. She notes that some strap-on wearers may want a say in the look of the dildo to ensure they’re comfortable with it in terms of gender expression, but the person receiving should have final say in terms of size and texture.
For people who are more vers or switch, meaning that they enjoy both giving and receiving, Finn suggests a mix-and-match whereby everyone has their favorite harnesses and dildos.
According to Ashley Cobb , founder and host of Sex With Ashley and sex-toy reviewer, harnesses typically come in three main styles: jockstrap, thong, and underwear. “[Jockstraps] look like a classic jockstrap, with straps around the waist and over each butt cheek,” she tells SELF. “Thongs [have] a strap around the waist and a strap that goes between the legs and between the butt cheeks. Underwear looks like a pair of underwear or boxers.” There are also less common styles, like thigh, chin, or chest harnesses; suspender harnesses; or strapless strap-ons, which require no harnesses at all.
These less common styles may be good options for people concerned about gender dysphoria. “Some people like thigh harnesses specifically because they want hands-free play but really don’t want to think of the dildo as any kind of phallic object, and having it mounted on their pubis isn’t something they vibe with,” Carol Queen, Ph.D., staff sexologist at Good Vibrations tells SELF. Consider how your strap-on, both harness and dildo, will jibe with your gender expression.
Queen says that which style of strap-on you choose can also depend on the size of your dildo. Underwear-style harnesses tend to be very comfortable, but if you want to use a large dildo, they probably won’t provide the support you need. If you like a large dildo, she suggests using a harness with straps you can tighten for support instead.
The style of harness typically informs the type of sizing available; jockstraps and thongs with adjustable straps usually come in one or two sizes and can fit a variety of bodies, whereas underwear harnesses are sized like similar articles of clothing. Adjustable harnesses might be a better choice if you plan on sharing your harness with a partner or want the option to adjust based on fluctuations in your body size.
How comfortable and stable a harness feels to wear and use can either go hand in hand or detract from each other, depending on the quality or type of your harness. Cobb says that the two-strap styles tend to have much better stability than the single-strap thong, which might make it easier for beginners to control.
Comfort is a bit more personal. Some people find strappy harnesses uncomfortable and prefer ones that feel more like underwear , whereas others find underwear harnesses restrictive and difficult to use. Certain styles might also lead to chafing, depending on the fit on your specific body. Cobb also recommends looking at how low the harness would sit on your body. “Will it press uncomfortably on the pubic bone?” she says. “You don’t want you or your partner to be in pain while using the strap-on.”
When it comes to actually using your strap-on, sex educator Cassandra Corrado tells SELF that the best way to get used to it is simply by wearing it. Wear your harness around the house while you’re doing laundry or dishes, just to see how it feels on your body. Then add the dildo. You’re doing all of this before you ever use your strap-on for sex. “Get used to the weight and movement just when you move around your home,” she says. “Don't be afraid to be a little silly and practice some thrusts too.” 
Practice makes perfect, right? And that’s the thought here. If you practice taking your strap-on harness on and off and practice thrusting with your abs instead of your hips, you can feel more confident the first time you use your strap-on for real—and skip awkward moments like putting your foot through the wrong hole.
You should also take into consideration the material, not only for comfort but for how easy it is to clean and share, if that’s something you plan on doing. “Harnesses can be leather or fabric,” says Cobb. “Leather tends to be stronger. However, it’s a porous material and is not meant to be shared because you can not sterilize it. Fabric or nylon harnesses are quite comfortable, washable, and can be used on multiple partners.”
Fabric is obviously a wide category, so check out the specific material to make sure it’s right for you and your tastes (personally, I can’t use nylon straps without feeling like I’m strapping into my childhood JanSport backpack, so…). And just like any underwear, some fabric is more breathable or better suited for moisture than others. You may also want to consider how heavy your dildo is. “Heavier dildos and lighter materials don’t work well together,” Queen says.
Lastly, you’ll want to look at what’s known as the O-ring—the ring through which you stick a dildo. You want it to be the correct size for whatever size dildo you use with it, so check to make sure the diameters match up. Some harnesses come with multiple O-rings of different sizes that you can swap in and out, while others have elastic O-rings that can stretch to accommodate a variety of dildos. O-rings can either be metal or a softer material like rubber, Queen says. Metal fittings can add to the design of a strap-on harness (imagine a black leather, strappy harness with bright silver fittings—sleek, right?). But metal is hard. If a harness has metal buckles, make sure they aren’t going to dig into you and your partner. “Lying on a metal buckle... owww,” Queen says. And unexpected pain isn’t always conducive to great sex.
Beyond that, there are a few more factors that might influence your taste as well (such as how a strap-on looks when you wear it or how easy it is to put on or swap out different dildos for more variety), but the above are solid starting points. With all that in mind, here are some of the best strap-ons and harnesses from which to choose.
All products featured on SELF are independently selected by our editors. However, when you buy something through our retail links, we may earn an affiliate commission.
This five-inch dildo is technically designed with pegging (also known as anal penetration) in mind, but Cobb recommends it for anyone who wants to start small, including for vaginal play. “This strap-on is perfectly sized for beginners,” says Cobb. “Easy to put on, perfect size, [and] easy to insert with a small amount of lube.”
To say the Joque is beloved is kind of an understatement. When I first fell down the rabbit hole of searching for the right strap-on for me, review after review sang its praises for its comfort and usability. At first I balked at the price, but now that I’ve tried it myself, I wish I just invested instead of wasting money on a string of cheap strap-ons first. It really is that good.
“The Joque is super easy to put on and doesn’t restrict movement, plus my weight fluctuates a lot so I can adjust the sizing as needed,” Lisa Finn, sex educator and brand manager for Babeland, tells SELF. Finn also recommends New York Toy Collective (NYTC) dildos as possible pairs, such as the bendable Shilo ($160, babeland.com ) or the short Amor ($45, babeland.com ), since all their dildos have a “nice supple squish for realistic play.”
“As a femme top, it’s hard to find a harness that is cute but also actually functional, and I was pleasantly surprised by this one,” Lily A., 22, tells SELF. “Unlike the lacy panty-style harnesses out there, this one offers a lot of stability and control. The padded straps are a nice comfy touch too.”
The harness comes with three interchangeable O-rings so you can mix and match dildos.
Cobb recommends this as a starter kit for anyone who wants to start small but thinks they might size up in the near future, since it comes with two dildos. “So as soon as you’ve become used to the smaller one, it’s an easy transition to the next one,” says Cobb. “Plus, the O-ring is changeable so you can later get even larger dildos and still use the harness.”
This kit also comes with a bullet vibrator , which you can slip into a built-in pocket to add more sensation for both the giver and receiver.
This beginner set comes with an adjustable jockstrap-style harness and a small, four-inch dildo, making it especially effect
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