Transexual Dom

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Transexual Dom
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6 Things Every Man Who Dates Trans Women Needs to Know


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“I cannot promise to love you fearlessly / But I can love you courageously” – d’bi young anitafrika, “Rivers of Love”
This is a love letter to each and every one of you.
This is a letter to let you know that I still think about everything we did and will do together, everything we’ve talked about, every fight we had, and every tender moment we’re going to share. 
This is a letter to P, who was always gentle. It’s a letter to M, so curious and kind, if occasionally thoughtless. To S – with whom the sex was freaking unbelievable. To J, always punning and making me laugh; and to E, who is always truthful. 
This is a letter to all the men, both cisgender and transgender, who have ever loved me, and to all the men I will ever love. 
I want you to know that you change my life and give me strength – even when things between us were/are hard. I want you to know that I see you, I appreciate you, even when I am challenging you to treat women like me – trans women and women of color – better than men in this society are taught to.
I know that being a man who is dating a trans woman (who is outspoken and only sometimes passes) is not always an easy thing. Let’s also take as a given the fact that being a trans woman who is outspoken and only sometimes passes is pretty much never easy thing.
Both of these things are true because of the transmisogyny that still runs rampant in our society and the communities we live in. And while this discrimination and hatred is mainly leveled toward girls like me, I know that some of it is reflected onto you as well. 
This is something that is so, so hard to talk about. It’s something has remained unspoken, yet incredibly real, between us, as it does between so many trans women and the men they date.
Part of the difficulty, I know, is that you may not want to admit that being attracted to, going out with, and having sex with trans women comes with intense social stigma . 
Another part is that trans feminists like myself believe that any discussion of transmisogyny must center around trans women ourselves. I don’t agree with Laverne Cox (for once in my life) when she says that men who date trans women “ are probably more stigmatized than trans women .” 
Men who date trans women are not murdered regularly the way that we are. You don’t experience employment and housing discrimination or exclusion from social spaces in the way that we do.
But neither can I pretend that you live your life totally free from the violence and humiliation that a transmisogynistic culture attaches to my body – a body that you have touched and held and become associated with.
And as much as we may wish that things were different, you and I know that there are so many walls that lie in the way of our loving each other. These barriers have caused us to question ourselves, and our relationships. 
Often, we fought about them. Sometimes, we broke up because of them.
You shouldn’t have to learn how to fight transphobia and shaming in order to be with me. I shouldn’t have to teach you how. But the truth is, this is world that often necessitates both.
Whether I like it or not, I am in this fight to the end. I have to be.
You, however, have a choice: your privilege allows you to choose whether you want to walk away from the struggle that is loving trans women, or stay fighting with us.
And if you should choose the latter – and I hope you do – then there are a few things I need you to know about shame, loving trans women, and loving yourself.
A huge amount of the stigma around straight men who date trans women is actually based in homophobia. Straight men who are attracted to us are called “f*ggots” and “h*mos,” and may have their heterosexuality called into question. 
The implication here being that trans women aren’t really women, so if a man dates us, that means he’s gay.
Conversely, gay men often shy away from dating us – even if they want to – because they “aren’t supposed to be into women.” 
And most anyone who dates trans women is at least occasionally subjected to the notion that they’re “into freaky stuff.” 
Freaky stuff meaning, of course, women like me.
Past, present, and future boyfriends, I need to tell you something: If you identify as straight, then you can date trans women. If you are bisexual, you can date trans women. If you are gay, pansexual, omnisexual, or asexual, you can date trans women , and it doesn’t change your identity one little bit unless you want it to, because you know what?
You and only you get to decide how to define your sexual orientation.
I sometimes meet men who believe (or have been told) that their being attracted to trans women is a form of mental illness. Some of you are, or have been, those men.
Most often, you have absorbed this message from the media: How many Hollywood comedies feature jokes where a straight man finds out that he’s been dating or having sex with a trans woman and flat-out vomits? How many tabloid stories proclaim that a male celebrity has been caught with a trans woman as though this were shocking, sensational news?
More rarely, though still frighteningly often, they have been explicitly told this by a religious/spiritual leader or a health professional.
The implication here is that trans women are so repulsive that you would have to be “crazy” to want to be with us – which bears a striking resemblance to the idea that a person must be mentally ill if they identify with a gender different from the one they were assigned at birth.
But neither my body nor your attraction to it is disgusting or sensational or ill. My body is beautiful, and so is your love. If we are abnormal, that means only that our relationship is different from the one prescribed to us by society. 
And there is nothing repulsive about that.
As men who are attracted to trans women, you already know that one of most intense forms of transphobia that you will experience is an attack against your own gender identity.
Ignorant people – mostly other men – may insult your masculinity, questioning your ability to attract “real women,” and insult that ways that you have sex. 
Cis men are not alone in this – trans men, too, are affected by the backlash that comes from dating trans women.
What you have to understand is that these attacks come from a place of fear. You, me, and our relationships are all very frightening to men whose sense of confidence and power come from reinforcing patriarchy.  
The existence of romance and sexuality between a man and a transwoman is a challenge to the invisible rule stating that in order to be a “real” man, you have to “win” a cisgender woman’s companionship and sexually dominate her body.
It forces all men to question their belief in the foundations of their identity and privilege.
Remember this: Their masculinity is weak, because it relies on the subjugation of other’s bodies in order to exist. Yours is, or will be, strong, because it is learning how to stand on its own.
Conventional straight couples have many love stories written about them: the prince and princess, the beauty and the beast, the hero and the damsel in distress. You and I have only one: the “tranny-chaser” and the “she-male/chick-with-a-dick.”
This story reduces us and the entirety of our relationships to nothing more than a tired old sex joke, a pornographic trope, an offensive cliché.  
As trans activist/author/scientist Julia Serano writes, “People automatically presume that any person who is attracted to, or has sex with, a trans person must automatically have some kind of ‘fetish.’” 
It’s true, of course, that there are some men who fetishize trans women – who want us only to fuel transmisogynist sex fantasies. I come across them all the time on OKCupid. 
But you and I are much more than that. Our relationships have been deeper and more complex than any cliché could ever hope to contain. 
And no amount of ridiculous jokes can ever take that from us.
You may hear from people trying to patronize or subtly insult you that you’re “such a good person” for bearing through the difficulties of dating a trans woman.
It’s possible that you’ve received backhanded compliments on how progressive you are, since you’re willing to put up with the burden of my gender identity.
This is insulting to you and me. I am not something you have to pity in order to love. You’re not doing charity work by going out with or sleeping with me. 
Our relationship is not defined by the judgments of others, or even by the violence that I – and by extension, you – experience in the world. 
It’s true that you, as men, have privileges and power that I don’t. It’s true that this is something that comes between us from time to time.
But real relationships – like ours – are dynamic and transforming, constantly opening up into new dimensions. At our best, I learn from you and you, from me. We fight, we hurt each other, we heal, we grow. We leave and come back together and leave once again.
It isn’t your job to “save” me from transphobia. I’m doing that already.
The only person you need to save is yourself.
Transphobia is greedy. It wants to swallow everyone and everything.
Because of this, whenever people talk about me, they usually refer to me in terms of my gender identity. I’m not a writer or a therapist or an artist. I’m “that Asian trans woman.”  
And when we are dating and people talk about you, they may refer to you “that guy who’s into trans woman.”
It’s easy to be consumed by thoughts about the ignorance and hatred of the society that surrounds us.
How can we not be anxious and angry, when your families get uncomfortable when they find out who your partner is, when your friends snicker at us behind your back, when we have to be wary of violence when we go out at night?
But just as I am more than a trans woman, you are more than someone who loves trans women.
It’s your right and responsibility to decide what that means to you, what it means for your identities as men, and how you will explain (or refuse to explain) it to the people around you.
But in the process of making them, you just might find a whole new truth about who you are.
Dear boyfriends past and present: Thank you for being with me.
Please know that I’m not trying to either scare you off (!) of dating trans women or “sell” dating us. As you’re probably already aware (it’s not like I let you forget these things), trans women don’t need to beg men to be into us. 
But some trans women – like me – do want to be with men who know how to do the thing, and do it well. Which is not to say that you can’t make mistakes, or feel confused, or get overwhelmed.
We live in a world that says trans women don’t deserve love, and it will try to stop you from loving us.
Knowing how to love a trans woman is simple. You do it the way you ought to love anybody else: not fearlessly, but courageously. 
Kai Cheng Thom is a Contributing Writer for Everyday Feminism. She is a Chinese trans woman writer, poet, and performance artist based in Montreal. She also holds a Master’s degree in clinical social work, and is working toward creating accessible, politically conscious mental health care for marginalized youth in her community. You can find out more about her work on her website and at Monster Academy . 
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In BDSM, “Dominant” is a word that’s thrown around a lot. Being a Dom can seem very appealing. Most are people who want to be more dominant sexually in bed, but also in their relationships and personal life. Unfortunately, there are a lot of fake doms out there. How can you make sure you’re not acting like one? Or if you’re a submissive, what should you look for in a partner? Let’s consider what it means to be a real Dom.
To start, let’s focus on some of the warning signs of a bad or fake dom. If they focus more on what they are getting than what they are giving that is a huge clue. Of course the nature of a Dom can be somewhat selfish at times, but they should always make sure that the sub is satisfied not just sexually, but emotionally and physically too.
Many new Doms latch onto the idea of getting sexually pleased whenever they want, even in the beginning of new relationships. But just like any relationship, trust needs to be earned.
A fake dom may say things like, “You’re not really a sub,” or, “A good sub would do XYZ.” If you’re a sub, don’t fall for it. And if you’re a Dom, don’t say things like that unless the sub consents to being talked to that way. Real emotional harm can be done.
The definition of a Dominant is an important, powerful person who likes to be in charge. They crave obedience and need to be in control. They tend to be the “Alpha,” and that is why “Dom” is usually spelled with a capital letter while “sub” is usually lowercase. A Dominant can take on many different roles such as:
They strive to exercise control in all things, not just over their sub sexually. This means that they have order in their own personal lives. It is not uncommon for a Dom to have an obsessive-compulsive personality. They take great pride in the health of their bodies, their homes, vehicles, and jobs, knowing these all reflect on them.
The Dom also takes responsibility for the wellbeing and the proper training, guidance, and discipline of their sub. And the Dom maintains a stable and safe environment in which their sub may perform their duties in service of the Dom.
Doms are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time. They can still apologize without appearing weak by just admitting what they did wrong and what they will do to fix it. Doms shouldn’t lose their temper. They can get mad and angry but they should always strive to be in control.
Another challenge a male Dom in particular may face is going against society’s rules of being kind and gentle towards women. They’re supposed to be the “nice guy.” Many men find it hard to be assertive in bed because of this.
A Dom may feel guilty always taking, but they need to remember that most subs want and need to be used sexually. That doesn’t mean that a Dom can’t be giving in bed, but just being more assertive in that part of the relationship will help them fulfill their role. Ways a Dom can do this are:
One challenge my Dom said he had to overcome was being afraid he was being too strict and hard on me with punishments. To be honest I don’t think he’s ever gone too far. I know that if I ever did feel that way that is what safewords and my journal are for. If anything, I think in the beginning I got off too easily sometimes.
A Dom’s body language and speech need to be powerful and in control. They should also look the part. They don’t have to be a Christian Grey, but they should be fit, have good hygiene, be well dressed, and not sloppy. Doms should have good posture and stand tall, trying to be physically above the sub, often making them sit below them or kneel .
A Dom should also talk confidently and be direct. They usually wouldn’t ask, “Where would you like to go to dinner?” They might say, “I’m taking you out to dinner. Pick a place.”
One of my favorite things my Dom does is tell me to make him coffee. When we were vanilla he would ask me, “Do you think you can make me coffee please?” Now he just tells me to do it and it always puts a smile on my face to perform this simple task for him.
Training a sub is a lot of work and not to be taken lightly. It is a very rewarding process though. When a Dom trains a sub they are molding them to be a better version of themselves. Behavior modification is achieved through maintaining structure and order. A lot of subs thrive on a set routine, and rules and protocols can help a Dom provide that.
To make this easier for the Dom you can keep track of everything in a downloadable BDSM contract .
The sub can also keep a journal so the Dom can get inside their head. Punishments are usually necessary to help guide and correct them. It takes constant effort, but it is a beautiful thing when the sub becomes exactly what the Dom desires.
To learn more about training for both Doms and subs go here »
True dominance is not just a role, it is a way of life. Being a Dominant means they are held to a higher standard, but it is all worth it. They will receive the ultimate gift of a sub’s beautiful and willing submission.
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I thank you very much for that knowledge
I really enjoy your informative articles! I am so happy you have included the “signs” for spotting a fake Dom because that is a question I am often asked by people new to the lifestyle in my local BDSM community. Also, many many thanks for pointing out that even us Doms can make mistakes; I tend to be hardest on myself for that. Please keep the articles coming!
Thank you so much, Ken! That means so much to me. Feel free to share the articles with others in your community. ❤️
Years ago I was, in my humble, cough, cough, opinion, a good Dom prior to knowing there was anything called BDSM. I HAD A GIRLFRIEND, AND WE PLAYED THE ROLES WELL. I am a Vietnam veteran, and spent 13 years in the military, until injuries sustained there, eventually prevented me from doing my job in the military. We were together for about two and a half years other than when I was away doing my job, and eventually she needed more, time wise, than I was able to provide due to my job In the military. I miss that fun, and after reading all written here I was good at being a Dom. I guess there are places one could meet other like minded ppl. How could one find like minded people in an area, which sounds like it is more in the open than my days, decades ago?
Thank you for sharing your story, Charles! Fortunately, there are LOTS of online and offline ways to find local, like-minded people now. Be sure to read this article to help you on your journey. ????
I love this site. An abundance of info and focus on this Lifestyle. Thank you.
I started my experience as a bad Dom the last time I got into this life style, and I don’t want to go down that rabbit hole again. I was new and yes i also read your guide to “bad doms” I wasn’ t surprised that I had several signs.
I found someone quite amazing and I want to be the best person I can be. There are multiple points in your article that just made complete sense.
Good evening.
I am new in the BDSM world. I would like to say your site is very informative and I will continue visiting.
Thank you.
Thank you for your humbleness, Jan. That’s a sign of a real Dom. 😉
Hi. I just joined a Dom/sub relationship and my girlfriend has make it clear that she wants to be my sub. The problem I’m running into is that I have trouble asserting myself. I’m very layed back and find that when I try to assert myself. As the Dom I always end up holding back out of fear from a past abusive relationship. I want to be that person b
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