Trans Sex Is

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JK Rowling has been tweeting again.
If sex isn’t real, there’s no same-sex attraction. If sex isn’t real, the lived reality of women globally is erased. I know and love trans people, but erasing the concept of sex removes the ability of many to meaningfully discuss their lives. It isn’t hate to speak the truth. The idea that women like me, who’ve been empathetic to trans people for decades, feeling kinship because they’re vulnerable in the same way as women – ie, to male violence – ‘hate’ trans people because they think sex is real and has lived consequences – is a nonsense. I respect every trans person’s right to live any way that feels authentic and comfortable to them. I’d march with you if you were discriminated against on the basis of being trans. At the same time, my life has been shaped by being female. I do not believe it’s hateful to say so.
Well. Sex is real. Absolutely. Sex is how almost all flora and fauna reproduce. Sex is real in its effects on people, in sex-related medical conditions. Much of our culture revolves around sex, and ascribes experience related to being female or male specific meanings, but there is a “real” thing underlying that culture, and it can be difficult to establish what is real and what is cultural.
And, trans people are real. We exist. We do not rely on anyone saying “sex is not real”. Claiming trans people “erase the concept of sex” is transphobic. We don’t have the power.
However, if a form requires you to state your “gender” rather than your “sex”, that is not a denial that “sex is real”. For most purposes English uses “gender” and “sex” as synonyms. It might reduce sex discrimination to cease to specify sex except when that is essential.
So. Sex is real. Women menstruate. Women get pregnant. Women give birth. All this matters. Experiencing these things shapes people’s lives, but much of what is experienced is cultural. If a man denigrates you because of menstruation, that is cultural. Trans people have the experience of denigration too.
Lesbians can be attracted to cis women and not trans women and nobody cares about that. We just care when they deny that a cis lesbian in a relationship with a trans lesbian is a real lesbian, or announce loudly and repeatedly that they could never be attracted to a trans woman, or that trans women are not women. That is, we do not want to define “lesbian” for others or force anyone into a relationship or a hook-up they do not want, we just want them not to be vocally transphobic.
What are the “lived consequences” of sex? They are physical- the physical processes of menstruation and pregnancy, and cultural, including the vulnerability to rape culture. They don’t mean that trans women should not be treated for every social purpose as women. Women who do not menstruate and are not incontinent do not need sanitary towels, and are still women. Women who are not pregnant do not need maternity care, and are still women, even if they are trans women. Trans men can get pregnant and are still men. Trans men menstruate.
I don’t know why Rowling would use the term “same sex attraction”. Some Christian homophobes use it, but it could be used to distinguish the attraction from the culture around it. But then, there is no need for a separate term. People fall in love. People are sexually attracted to each other. People form life-partnerships. Much of the culture of lesbians is around resisting homophobia. Homophobia is only cultural, not “real” like “sex is real”. If there were no homophobia, if the culture simply accepted that people may hook up or form life partnerships without being of opposite sexes, there would be no need for counter-culture or resistance.
That does not mean that saying “lesbians are real” should give cover to transphobia.
To say “Sex is real”, or “same-sex attraction exists”, is not transphobic. It becomes transphobic if it is used to justify transphobic conclusions: to argue that trans women are men, or trans women are not lesbians, or trans women should be excluded from women’s space.
This twitter thread is transphobic because it implies that standing up for trans rights, or speaking up for trans people, might in some way mean “erasing the concept of sex” or “removing the ability of [cis women] to meaningfully discuss their lives”. Menstruation matters. Intrauterine cysts matter. Endometriosis matters. Talk about them as much as you need, demand the help you need to live with or overcome them.
To avoid transphobia we need to make a rigorous distinction. We do not erase sex, or say sex is not real, or say it does not matter, physically or culturally. It is transphobic to eject a trans woman from women’s spaces because she is a trans woman rather than because she has done something relevant and objectionable, as an individual, justifying exclusion. Being a trans woman, by itself, does not justify exclusion. Trans men may need cervical smears and trans women don’t, but that is only relevant to the provision of cervical smears, not to women’s space generally.
These tweets are transphobic, more in what they imply than what they say on their face. “Women like me”- does she mean her, specifically, or other women who say “sex is real”? If a woman campaigns against violence against trans women, but also to exclude trans women from women’s space, she is acting in a transphobic manner.
Rowling is attempting to stop us calling out transphobia. Yes sex is real. Period poverty matters. Girls missing school because of menstruating matter. But any transphobic conclusion anyone seeks to hang on the idea that sex is real is still transphobic.
Rowling is transphobic in assuming the role of martyr. She, or “women like me”, is accused of “hatred”. Well, if you express transphobic ideas then you’re a hater, not a martyr.
To say “Sex is real” is not transphobic. Sex is real. There. I said it. But to say “Sex is real, therefore [transphobic conclusion- trans men are women, you should always say “pregnant women” rather than “pregnant people”, lesbians can’t be attracted to transwomen, whatever]” is transphobic.
Added: Various people, including Daniel Radcliffe, have responded to the tweets by saying “Trans women are women”. Really, here, we should be saying “Trans men are men”, as Rowling initially said that women menstruate, excluding trans men. She was responding to this article, headed “Creating a more equal post-Covid 19 world for people who menstruate”, who the article said were “girls, women and gender non-binary persons”, also excluding trans men. I found that from this Guardian article.
“People who menstruate”, “pregnant people”: including trans men and nonbinary people offends Rowling. There are ways round that. The headline could be rewritten, perhaps “Reducing inequality arising from menstruation”, though the social model of disability, which explains that inequality arises from how society is organised not from physical conditions, might improve it further: “Reducing inequality related to menstruation.” The article argues that development aid should continue investing in menstrual health and hygiene, so the headline has to involve menstruation somehow. Talking of menstruation as a women’s issue may make it appear of no concern to men- talking of it affecting “people” shows all people with empathy should be concerned.
I am not sure how I feel about the Guardian explaining how the stooshie started. It provides context, but does not excuse Rowling. Language which includes trans men and nonbinary AFAB people might be made more elegant, but going back to just using the word “women” is not the answer. “Critics accused her of being transphobic”- well, talking of “women” menstruating excludes AFAB trans people, and the article should explain that, rather than merely saying “critics accused”, as if the accusation might be baseless.
I wonder if we should not do the transphobes’ work for them. “Sex is real!” they cry. “We are erased!” With a piteous air of martyrdom. We could wearily point out the transphobic errors they make, but another way to respond is to ignore everything that is not clearly and on the face of it transphobic. Mocking the phrase “people who menstruate” is transphobic. But this mini-rant might just be ignored. “If sex isn’t real, there’s no same-sex attraction.” Congratulations on your trivial reductio ad absurdum! If gravity wasn’t real, there would be no planets. “It isn’t hate to speak the truth,” she says, obscurely- what can she mean? So one might politely ignore her gibberings, or, less politely, say, “Well, yes. So what?”
It's four in the morning, as I write now. I really should not have gone on the internet. I have read JK Rowling's essay, and I feel complete terror, the bottom falling out of my world. So I will start with a memory of safety, of being cradled in support…
Is JK Rowling transphobic? Not necessarily. She does not tweet a lot. She has retweeted a bit about Brexit this year, of tweets and articles opposing it. I've seen a meme claiming she tweeted, Ron Weasley was indeed transgender. Ron was born female but magically transitioned to female [sic] at…
Though a few Quakers are viciously and closed-mindedly transphobic, most transphobia among Quakers comes from arrogance or ignorance, and a failure to see privilege, rather than hate. The Friends Quarterly has printed a transphobic article, because the transphobe has disguised her hatred. In this post I analyse the article, and…
Sex is just hormones re. the rush to reproduction and the need to connect with a loved one physically which produces other feel good hormones, all of which can be achieved regardless of gender or orientation.
I genuinely can’t decide if nobody has explained the “sex vs gender” concept to her, and she’s just ignorant of what “trans” means, or if she’s uncomfortable with the implications and is actually fighting against the idea that sex and gender are different.
It’s a British trans excluder slogan. “Sex is real!” they say. They claim that “transgender ideology” erases sex, as if the words we use govern how other people are allowed to be, or the words they use have inescapable conclusions about where we can or can’t go. Words should serve human reality, not the other way about.
I look forward to the day that it isn’t just trans people who understand this concept, and what we’re all trying to say. Thank you for writing this and putting it out there.
Welcome. I am delighted to have you here, and congratulations on your new blog.
I feel vulnerable when Rowling or others say “transgender ideology” means something for cis folks and so cannot be accepted. I really don’t want to affect cis people, just to live my life. Claiming we require a wholesale change in others’ understanding of sex, and therefore harm all of society, is a way of claiming we should be restricted. I would rather be seen as a weird anomaly. I can’t be rationally explained beyond recognising that I exist, but, well, the world is often complex like that.
I like that idea. I saw a meme the other day that resonated with me. It said something along the lines of, “people need to understand that trans people aren’t trying to ‘become cis,’ we’re just looking for a way to best represent ourselves in the face of the society we grew up in. we’re on our own wavelength.”
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Sex With Trans Women 101: A Guide for Queer Cis Women
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There's a dearth of sexual information for queer people, let alone for trans folks and our partners. To help combat the misinformation and stereotypes that permeate our communities, I've put together a guide for all you queer cis women out there. It comes down to education and communication, so let's chat about trans women and how our bodies work, shall we?
Summer is here, which means every other queer girl is finally hopping off Twitter and grabbing some sun. And what better way to enjoy the weather than going on a beach date? Higher temperatures are encouraging us all to be slutty, so whether you’re single, nonmonogamous, poly, or something in between, it’s the perfect time to swap numbers and grab drinks with that dyke that you’ve been bashfully checking out at the feminist bookstore.
Of course, sapphic dating is easier said than done, and not just because a gentle brush against the leg can mean 20 different things. Queer trans girls are out there dating, too, and chances are if you’re reading this article, you’re at least entertaining the idea of hanging out with one of us (if you haven’t already!). But because trans bodies are ridiculously stigmatized, there aren’t that many sex ed resources out there about us. Hell, most trans women don’t even know how to pleasure themselves.
That’s why I’m here today: to help you unlearn our society’s nasty transphobia and teach you how to have fun with the trans women in your love life. It’s a noble endeavor, I know. So let’s chat about trans women, how our bodies work, what feels good for us, and what you should know before we go home together.
Mainstream porn implies anyone with a penis, be they cis men, nonbinary people, or trans women, prefer intense, rigorous stroking until they squirt semen. While not every trans woman uses estrogen, many (if not most) of us do, and our bodies work so much differently than cis men’s on hormone replacement therapy (or HRT). Trans adult performer Claire Tenebrarum warns that cisgender women are just as prone to cis men when it comes to believing and regurgitating these unrealistic stereotypes.
“Based on Tinder hookups and just general interactions with cis girls and couples on Tinder, their knowledge, like cis men's knowledge, comes from highly fetishized pornography where girls with thick, throbbing cocks shoot wads of cum,” Tenebrarum tells me. “There's a complete lack of even basic understanding of trans people, how our medication works, and we're basically just treated like cis men with tits.”
Some trans women have penises but feel uncomfortable using them during sex. Others are fine having their cocks touched but may refrain from topping or penetrative sex. There are also trans women who top and enjoy having penetrative sex (as I know from first-hand experience as a vers, or someone who doesn't have a particular preference when it comes to sexual positions). Additionally, many trans women are post-operative and do not have penises at all; instead, they have vaginas. In my case, I am a non-operative trans woman — that is, I have a penis (which I prefer to call a “clit,” “cock,” or “girldick”) and have elected not to change my genital configuration. Because HRT feminizes my body, my clit has soft, thin skin that prefers gentle stimulation. By all extents, it’s a feminine penis. Really, when it comes down to it, we're all different, and you should communicate with your partner about what both of you want in bed.
Journalist Sessi Kuwabara Blanchard pens the sexuality column “MTF & DTF” for Vice, where she talks about her love and sex life as a trans woman. While she doesn’t have any personal experiences with hooking up with cis women, she’s well aware of the social dynamics at play when trans and cis women meet up. More specifically, assuming a trans woman’s penis is penetrative by default “rearticulates the coerced masculinity” trans women are forced into at birth.
Keep an open mind, and remember you’re having sex with a woman who knows more about her body than you do about hers.
“This is not to say that using one's penis for penetrative sex is masculine. Rather, the person making such an assumption overlooks the reality of trans women's dicks, particularly for girls who are taking estrogen and testosterone blockers. Our dicks get smoother, softer, more flaccid. To be honest, it's harder to penetrate when you're on all those 'mones," says Blanchard.
“This failure to acknowledge the specificity of our bodies just continues the line of thinking that trans women are actually men," she continues. "Obviously, it doesn't mean that a girl who isn't on hormones or has an unchanged dick is less of a woman. But what violates trans women is how the underlying assumptions guiding normative cis male sexuality are exported to the normative sexuality of a trans woman.”
Granted, you probably wouldn’t have known any of that unless you slept with a trans woman before. But that’s exactly why you should walk into sexual encounters without any expectations. Keep an open mind, and remember you’re having sex with a woman who knows more about her body than you do about hers.
“One girl might like her dick touched, another might not, some areas can possibly be an off zone altogether because I know men touching my dick completely takes me out of the mood, so I'm sure the same applies to woman-love-woman sex for some trans women,” Tenebrarum tells me. “No two trans girls are the same.”
So what are some of the best ways to pleasure trans women that want genital contact? For one, it depends on our configuration. Trans women with vaginas have genitals that function similarly to cis women’s, whereas trans women’s penises on HRT are much more analogous to an enormous version of a cis woman’s clitoris. In the latter’s case, our crotches require a soft, smooth touch based on using one’s fingertips. For trans women on HRT, stroking the frenulum — the outer tissue on the penis connecting the shaft and the glans — is particularly pleasurable, and the penis’ tip often responds well to gentle touching.
Alongside the penis, the perineum is right above the prostate; some trans women even prefer having it touched (or fucked) instead of penile stimulation, as the perineum’s placement feels analogous to a vagina. These areas respond well to simultaneous stimulation as well, especially when playing with the anus too. To paraphrase one of my favorite zines out there, Fucking Trans Women, people born with penises have an incredibly sensitive web of nerves throughout their crotch, from the top of their shaft, through the taint between the rear and cock, and ending at the anal sphincter. Experiencing simultaneous stimulation can be ecstatic, to say the least.
But it’s not just about touch, it’s also how you talk about our penises. Blanchard warns that because cis women are “upheld as the pillars of femininity,” trans women may be more self-conscious during sex. That means talking to your trans partner about their genitalia — from how they want to be touched to what words to call it — is e
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