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"We Have Continually Chosen Each Other": An Unforgettable Transgender Love Story
Tiffany Grimes and Dade Barlow Courtesy of subjects
Dade photo: Jan Smith. Tiffany photo: Scott Harding
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Emma Watson’s Major Hair Chop Made Its Red-Carpet Debut
Tom Felton Says J.K. Rowling Wasn’t a Major Part of the Harry Potter Filmmaking Process
Meghan Markle Is Reportedly Willing to Accept Kate Middleton’s ‘Olive Branch’ in NYC
Emma Watson’s Major Hair Chop Made Its Red-Carpet Debut
Tom Felton Says J.K. Rowling Wasn’t a Major Part of the Harry Potter Filmmaking Process
Meghan Markle Is Reportedly Willing to Accept Kate Middleton’s ‘Olive Branch’ in NYC
Emma Watson’s Major Hair Chop Made Its Red-Carpet Debut
Tom Felton Says J.K. Rowling Wasn’t a Major Part of the Harry Potter Filmmaking Process
Meghan Markle Is Reportedly Willing to Accept Kate Middleton’s ‘Olive Branch’ in NYC
Wedding photo: Dana Jackson photography. Family: courtesy subjects
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Tiffany Grimes and Tiffany Barlow grew up nearly a thousand miles apart—one in a remote Arizona border town, the other in the shadows of the Sierra Nevada mountains. They would find their way to each other, and to a peaceful life in a sunny house surrounded by fruit trees and organic garden beds in rural Oregon. But it took a pilgrimage that only they can describe—starting with Barlow, known now as Dade.
DADE BARLOW __:__ We were really poor during my childhood, and I was raised with my older sister as a Jehovah’s Witness, which to me felt very brainwashing, very controlling. I was caged off from the rest of the world. And although my wedding at 18 wasn’t an arranged marriage, it felt close to one.
TIFFANY GRIMES : My hometown is 300 people in Calaveras County, California. I had boyfriends, went on prom dates, all very traditional; if there was a gay character on TV, my dad would turn it off. I met my future husband at Southern Oregon University. We went out for five years but broke up because I fell in love with a woman—I thought it was her , not that I was gay. And after dating for a bit, I wanted to get back with my ex. We married when I was 27. But eventually I came to realize, “I think I am actually gay.” And he was like, “Yeah, I think you are too.” Although divorce was really hard and sad, it was also the best thing for both of us.
DADE: As much as I didn’t want to get married, my husband was my best friend for seven and a half years—I still see him. But at 25 I knew the pieces in my life were wrong, and I needed to just clear the puzzle off the table and start over. One of those pieces was that I had an attraction to women. So I got divorced, left the religion, left my family and friends, and rented a townhouse in southern Oregon, where I wanted to run my electrical engineering business.
TIFFANY __:__ I’ve always had a great relationship with my family, but when I came out to my parents, it was a really big thing.
TRAVIS GRIMES, TIFFANY’S FATHER __:__ Quite a curve to catch.
BARBARA GRIMES, TIFFANY’S MOTHER: We were taught homosexuality was dirty, sinful. But the night Tiffany sat down at the dining room table and shared that she was gay, I was surprised at my reaction—I just wanted to put my arms around her and let her know that this would not divide us.
TRAVIS: At first Barbara and I both thought, Maybe we can help change her back. But we decided it’s not a choice; it’s who you are. And we love our daughter.
DADE: Tiff and I met in August of 2008 on Craigslist.
TIFFANY: Before the site was creepy!
DADE: I was in this new town and had zero friends. So I put an ad on the Strictly Platonic section that said, “I’m 26, I’m not a freak, I just want someone to go on a hike with.”
TIFFANY: I was trying to get together a southern Oregon women’s hiking group. And I loved the straightforward dry humor, so I was like, “Not a freak? Come on!” We emailed but never connected. Then, later that summer, I’d broken up with my girlfriend, and there was a “Lez Get-Together” bowling thing, and Dade was there. When I first saw her—
DADE: You’re gonna talk about the tight jeans, aren’t you?
TIFFANY: Yeah, you were really sexy. Here was this hot little dyke electrician with a motorcycle who was superintelligent. And kind of shy. There’s a small pool of lesbians in southern Oregon. I’d been swimming, and I was like, “I’m getting this fish. This is mine.”
DADE: It was the first time I had gone out after my divorce. I was drawn to Tiff because—I was given no other choice! [ Laughs .] She just filled up the space with her energy. And I liked that.
TIFFANY: Our first date was a hike. She was super introverted. So we’d go to the mountains or ride on her motorcycle. She wouldn’t make a move. So finally one day when I got off the bike, I took off her helmet and just kissed her. And that was that. We pretty much have been together ever since.
DADE: People would call us TNT [for Tiffany and Tiffany], but I got so f-cking tired of “ Yes , our names are both Tiffany.” One day I said, “We’re not doing this anymore,” and without any thought, I picked a new name, Dade, from the main character in the movie Hackers .
TIFFANY: I moved in with Dade in a hot minute. We started talking about children, and suddenly I could see having a baby with this person and really wanting that. New Year’s Eve of 2009 I proposed. I got the rings and read a poem I’d written and—
Tiffany and Dade wed on September 4, 2010, at Agate Ridge Vineyard in Eagle Point, Oregon—although legally it was a domestic partnership because the state hadn’t yet recognized same-sex marriage. Not long after, the couple was channel-surfing and stumbled on a Netflix documentary about a transgender man.
DADE: And then I got on the Internet. Growing up I’d never even heard the word transgender. I barely knew that people were gay, you know? Watching the documentary gave me the words to articulate what I had always secretly known. As a child I’d felt like a G.I. Joe playing dress up. And I made statements like, “I am a boy.” My sister and I were close, and I could see she was so comfortable in her body; it was part of a beautiful cycle of life, but I knew that wasn’t what my body should be doing. I loathed the way it moved and jiggled, when I ran or even brushed my teeth—it was supposed to be solid and muscular and stringy. The incongruence made me feel slimy. It was just…incredibly wrong.
TIFFANY: Even with us, there was no talk about periods. Dade was so uncomfortable with that kind of stuff.
DADE: We’d been married maybe six months when I tried testing the waters and told Tiff I wanted to become more masculine. She immediately saw the squirrel in the tree and went, “What are you saying?” I was like, “Oh, nothing.” I wasn’t willing to give up my new life with her in order to transition, so I tried to ignore it. But once that seed was in there, it was like I’d finally unearthed the truth and I couldn’t push it away. About six months later we met at a restaurant for lunch, and I basically told her, “I am transgender—”
TIFFANY: Your typical lunch conversation.
DADE: “—and I need to find out what it means for us.” Tiffany’s eyes have a way of turning into blue-fire slits, and they were aiming right at me. She pretty much said, “I am not on board. Not at all.”
TIFFANY: I felt like, You gotta be f-cking kidding me. I unraveled my whole life of being married to a man to be in this scenario with you. And now I want this life with you as my wife, of being two moms having this child together—because by then I’d already gone through several rounds of intrauterine insemination with a sperm donor—and you tricked me.
DADE: She kept saying, “You lied, you lied,” louder and louder, making a scene. And I kept saying that I didn’t. Because I hadn’t; my life had been a kind of war zone until I fell in love with her. In a way she enabled me to finally feel safe enough to be me.
TIFFANY: After that, Dade would try to convince me: “I’m already masculine; I’m just going to go one more little click over.” And I’m like, “No, that’s a big click.” I was thinking, How do I tell my family this? How do I fit this into my world? I really had only one friend I could talk to.
EMILY MINAH, TIFFANY’S FRIEND: At the time the whole transgender issue was new to me too, so I was researching. And I noticed that people who shared their stories had often wanted to leave their old lives behind and begin again as the man or woman they transitioned to. So my concern was, Is Dade going to want to do that? Could this be the end of their relationship?
TIFFANY: There were six to nine months when Dade and I weren’t talking about the transition idea. I was assuming it was all going away. Then one of us would bring it up, and we’d realize we were still as polarized as ever. And then we’d start drinking, and it would just get ugly. And I’d get to “How could you do this to me?”
DADE: I’d take that and hold it dear. Like, I am just a piece of shit.
TIFFANY: I came to realize this was not going away. And so we—
DADE: Started talking about divorce. Things were so bad I got to where I felt there was no option other than to commit suicide. At that point I was absolutely alone in the world. I had only Tiff—I gave up everyone else when I left my religion. And she wasn’t into a transitioned me. I was ready, equipped, and seconds away from ending my life. And I don’t know why I didn’t do it. But something stopped me.
TIFFANY: He didn’t share this with me at the time. But I knew we were at an impasse. Dade could only see what the transition meant for him, and I could only see what it meant for me—sacrificing my dreams of having a family, community, and acceptance. And, not that there was any logic to it, but I still had shame about divorcing my ex-husband. I felt that leaving due to being gay would somehow be invalidated by now being with a man. And then we found this amazing counselor, Audrey, who has done a lot of work in the trans community.
Dr. AUDREY LEHMANN, THEIR THERAPIST: I see couples like Tiffany and Dade all the time. It’s incredibly painful for both parties. Sometimes, one of the hardest parts for a partner who identifies as lesbian is that, because of the transition, she’ll be seen as straight by the world; the same is true of a straight woman who will be seen as gay when her husband transitions to a female. In my anecdotal experience, the odds of breaking up are about 40-60.
TIFFANY: There was one particular exercise that Audrey did, where I just had to listen to Dade without translating what his words meant for me.
DADE: That was a turning point. Audrey made me say what I had to: “I need to transition, regardless of what that means for our relationship.” I hadn’t been able to say that before because I didn’t want to lose our marriage.
TIFFANY: That’s also when he told me about his suicidal thoughts. I finally was able to understand that this was a life-or-death scenario for Dade. He couldn’t stay in this situation he was in. I had been on this battlefield of “Go away, you evil force who’s trying to take over my wife. I will fight for her.” After that, I looked around and it was like, there’s nobody here except me—I am just fighting me. Outside our home we have a huge cedar, our tree of life. I went and stood by it and just sobbed. It was like my wife had died. She was gone. That was transformative. Once I let her go, I could say, “OK, let me wrap my brain around this.”
Having barely made it to their first anniversary, the couple went to vacation in Lake Tahoe in November 2011. During the trip, they came to their second turning point.
TIFFANY: I’m not one to sit on the fence for too long. After putting down my sword and grieving the loss of my wife, during that week away, I looked up and saw Dade and just knew I wanted to stay together. So we immediately made a to-do list: How do we get testosterone? Schedule surgery? Tell my parents? Get back on board with trying to have a baby? Because we’d stopped. Our marriage went from almost disintegrating to “All right, let’s do this.”
DADE: The next year our life was a sitcom.
TIFFANY: Dade started to transition and I got pregnant. At one point his breasts were getting cut off, and mine were doubling in size! [ Laughs .]
DADE: On top of that she was going to night school to get her master’s, and my company had growing pains.
TIFFANY: And before our daughter, Zane, was born in October, we got remarried [at the courthouse] as husband and wife, which was actually irritating, because as two women we hadn’t had that same right. The next four years were a marathon. We had a baby and surgeries. We didn’t sleep. When he went in for the top surgery—I don’t know if I can say this—
TIFFANY: You had beautiful breasts, and I loved them. They were perfect, perky, athletic. And I was sad. Even when I had mentally accepted the transition, you were still in this hot dyke body. But I remember one day when you still had them I was sorting laundry and putting a bra in my pile and going, “Oh, this is his.” Right then I realized I’d already moved Dade to a “he” in my heart and my mind…. Then there were times like when he had his lower surgery. Because the cost was all out-of-pocket, we brought him home from the hospital rather than keep him there overnight. He barely smelled human; his flesh was gray. We had to remove stitches, take out catheters—it felt like we took each other down to this really raw, hard, guttural—
TIFFANY: And it was a very awkward time in terms of telling or not telling [others].
DADE: People would be like, “Dade’s looking awfully masculine.” At work, clients would ask, “Wasn’t there a girl business partner?” and I’d just say, “Oh, she’s gone.” At one point I sent, I think, 53 emails to clients, something to the effect of, “Here’s what’s going on: I’m transitioning from female to male.” I told them I appreciated working with them and nothing would change. And we kept every single one. But I had people in my personal life tell me, “You’re an abomination,” “You’ll never be a man,” “You’re ruining your daughter.” A couple of times I found dead animals by my truck. But those things really don’t bother me. I feel like they mostly come from fear or lack of understanding.
TIFFANY: One of the major obstacles for me was telling my family. I’d already rocked their world. I really struggled with it. And when we finally sat down to tell them—oh, it was terrible. We were so nervous.
DADE: I was about four months into the transition. I already had the puffy testosterone face, and my voice was a little crackly.
TIFFANY: We’re at their house, picking at our food. I said, “So Dade has something to tell you,” and he started fumbling over his words. Finally my dad, who we thought had, like, zero awareness, says, “Are you trying to tell us you are transgender?”
Travis: It was like watching someone try on roller skates! [ Laughs .] I don’t know how I knew, but I sensed from the very first time I met Dade it needed to happen.
DADE: They were so amazing. By the end of the dinner, [Travis] was like, “I’m not going to be making any donations of body parts, Dade.”
TRAVIS: He’s a better man than many men.
Dade considered his transition complete on November 30, 2016, five years after his first testosterone shot. He did not, as Tiffany’s friend had feared, uproot his old life to begin again. He continued to run his electrical engineering company while Tiffany launched her own business as a life coach. Today they still live in the same glass solar-powered house with Zane and their dachshund, Rosco. On a kitchen shelf sits an ornament that says, “Remember, as far as anyone knows, we are a NORMAL FAMILY.” To their daughter, who’s now four, they certainly are.
TIFFANY: We’ve been really clear with Zane about everything. We felt if we kept it secret and she found out later, there would be shame attached to it.
ZANE: Yes, Daddy was born with a girl body, but—but also with a boy brain! And Mommy’s cisgender. Though I don’t know about my puppy.
TIFFANY: Zane’s great, but Dade and I had to reconnect.
DADE: Like, Who are you again? We needed to bridge the physical gap. I wouldn’t say there was a specific “first time.” Like: The Unveiling! And now we’ll have heteronormative sex! Tiff had to confront “This is a completely male body.” And I was still stuck in “You don’t want this body.” I tried to hide instead of being vulnerable enough to face what I thought would be certain rejection. It’s still hard for me sometimes.
TIFFANY: There was a lot to work through. A lot of asking, “Does this feel good? Is this OK?” We went back to counseling, and my epiphany was to get out of my head. Because if I need to check a box of “What rainbow do I fly?” or “Who am I sleeping with?” it’s not juicy sexually at all. But when I feel from my heart, there’s no confusion. I love Dade. My body loves him, and I want him. It isn’t about anything else but that. And when we both come from that place, it’s on a whole different level.
DADE: Although my transition almost destroyed our marriage, in a way it ended up saving it.
TIFFANY: I agree. I don’t know if we’d ever have achieved the depth of intimacy we have without going through that. When I came out as a lesbian, I needed that identity, I needed my tribe. But this is probably what wisdom is—the realization that life will give you all of these amazing experiences to learn from if you’re willing. So my lesson is that “I’m a lesbian” doesn’t define me anymore. What makes me happy is my life with Dade and Zane.
DADE: Ever since Tiffany and I met, we’ve been inseparable, and no matter what the circumstances, we have continually chosen each other. Tiffany just is. And I don’t want to be without her.
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