Tranny And Straight

Tranny And Straight
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by Dan Savage on January 9th, 2013 at 12:01 AM
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I’m a straight male, 21 years old. I love women, I’ve always loved women, I’ve always loved having sex with women. However, in the last year, here and there, I’ve jerked off to transsexual porn. One night, after drinking with a friend and smoking some hash, I arranged a date with a trans sex worker. She was totally womanly, nothing manly about her, except for, you know. She licked my butt, gave me head, and fingered me. I’ve been on the receiving end of anal play before from girls, so nothing new. But somewhere during this encounter, I became the receiving partner during anal sex. At the time, I was too fucked up to care. But the next day, I started to feel really bad. She was very safe and used condoms for everything. I just can’t get past the fact that I did the gayest thing a guy can do. I feel really depressed about this traumatic situation. I can’t seem to enjoy my life anymore. I’ve even felt somewhat suicidal. (I would never kill myself—I wouldn’t do that to my family and friends.) I still want to date women and have sex with women. I don’t regret being with a trans woman because I wanted to experiment. I’ve been tested since the encounter to make sure I didn’t catch anything. What I regret is her sticking her thing in my butt. Can a single act like this make me gay? Please help.
Yes, yes: you did the gayest thing a guy can do—you allowed someone to put a dick in your man butt—but now you’re doing the second-gayest thing a guy can do. You’re being a huge drama queen about the whole thing. Stop acting so cray, as the kids say, and repeat after me: one dick in the ass does not a gay man make. Look at it this way: the difference between having a woman’s finger in your ass and having a woman’s dick in your ass is a matter of degree. If the woman’s finger was fine—to say nothing of the woman’s tongue—why freak out about the woman’s dick? Remember: you don’t sleep with men; you’re not attracted to men. You made an exception for this woman’s dick because her dick is exceptional: it’s attached to a woman.
So maybe you took a longer walk on the wild side than you might have if you’d gone on that walk sober, WSOWS, but, thankfully, your sex worker was conscientious and responsible and used condoms. So you didn’t emerge from this encounter with anything more devastating than a touch of gay panic. Be a man about this—be a straight man about this—and walk it off, as the football coaches say.
Maybe this will help: like a lot of gay men, I had sex with a woman before I came out. I did the straightest thing a guy can do—I put my dick in a vag—and it didn’t make me straight. You did the gayest thing a guy can do—you let someone put a dick in your ass—but that didn’t make you gay. Because you’re not gay, WSOWS, and one ride on a trans escort’s dick can’t change that.
If nothing I’ve said has made you feel better, WSOWS, maybe this will: gay men don’t hire trans women sex workers. Wanting to be with a woman who has a dick is an almost exclusively straight-male kink/obsession/wild side. Gay men are into dick, of course, but what we’re really into is dudes. There are gay men out there who date and fuck and shack up with trans men—men with pussies—so not all gay men are after dick. What we’re all after is dude.
If our gayness can’t be defined solely by dick, WSOWS, then surely your straightness can’t be undone entirely by dick.
I’m a married straight man. I recently spent a lovely day snorkelling with my wife in Mexico. We were grouped with three men who were obviously in a committed three-person relationship. I lacked the cojones to ask directly, but they had an extensive travel history together and lived together, everything was “we” this or that, and there were various PDA pairings during the day. They were lovely people. I wish we all lived in the same city, as it’s hard to meet cool people who aren’t exactly like you when you’re married with kids. Several questions: 1) What do gay people call such a union? 2) Does the gay community think it’s odd? Unremarkable? Sensible? 3) How does a union like that form? A couple adds a third? 4) Do these relationships last? Lots of pros and cons, just curious how it plays out.
> Three-way Relationship Intrigues Oblivious Straights
1. Such unions are referred to as “throuples” by gays and straights. For a picture of the inner workings of a gay throuple, TRIOS, check out Molly Young’s profile of one in New York magazine’s most recent “Sex Issue”. Benny, Jason, and Adrian are the men behind the popular “gipster” porn site CockyBoys.com , and you can read Young’s piece about their home, work, and sex lives.
2. Some gay people think throuples are odd, some think they’re unremarkable, and some think they’re sensible. And some gay people—some dumb ones—think gay throuples are bad PR at a time when gay couples are fighting for the right to marry. But our fight is for equal rights, not double standards, and no one argues that straight marriage should be banned because of all the straight throuples, quadles, quintles, sextetles, et cetera, out there.
3. In my experience, yes, that’s usually how it happens.
4. Throupledom presents unique challenges: major life decisions require buy-in from three people; two can gang up against one during arguments; the partners who were coupled before the third came along may treat the third as a junior partner, not an equal partner, et cetera. But throupledom presents unique benefits, too: another set of hands to help around the house, another income to pay down the mortgage, another smiling face to sit on, et cetera. And it’s not like coupledom is a sure-fire recipe for success. Half of all marriages—those traditional “one man, one woman, for life” marriages—end in divorce. Yet discussions of throupledom all seem to begin with the assumption that coupledom is a self-evidently more stable arrangement. Maybe it is; maybe it isn’t. I’d like to see some research comparing throuples to couples before I accept that premise.
I recently used the term “saddlebacking” to indicate the position where a man rubs his penis between his partner’s ass cheeks as either foreplay or nonintercourse sex. My girlfriend, a regular reader of your column, insists that I used the term incorrectly. Did I?
You did, RTWW. “Saddlebacking”, as defined by Savage Love readers (the Académie française of sexual neologisms), is when two straight teenagers, endeavouring to preserve an evangelical girl’s virginity, engage in anal intercourse. This is a thing that really happens. Since anal sex isn’t really sex, according to the abstinence educators evangelical teens are exposed to, many good Christian teenagers rationalize that getting fucked in the ass doesn’t really count against a girl’s virginity.
The act to which you refer—rubbing your penis between someone’s ass cheeks as foreplay or as a substitute for intercourse—is known variously as frottage, outercourse, the Princeton Rub, or “the pearl tramp stamp”. But in Chicago, it’s known as “the Cardinal George”.
Download the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) at www.straight.com . Email: mail@savagelove.net . Follow me on Twitter at @fakedansavage .
If I did this with that same or opposite sex person/listened to that band/read that book/had that fantasy/watched that tv show/ate that food or had that drink/went to that club/dressed in those clothes/watched that kind of porn/did that particular sex act and liked it, does that make me _____ (gay/straight/bi/pan/other/none of the above)? If it was just about what we did, we'd all be some or all of these at any given time of the day/month/season/semester/year/decade.
In fact is not necessarily be that have so, but the question is whether it was really fun that act either finger or cock'? I convinced that there is no fun in the universe need soul only and returns to it and comply and obey an unprecedented seen before, because it found what you're looking for does not want to to stay away away from that feeling in sexual passion for interesting Soft-core Like that ... I started since young age fondling and sucking of cocks until originated this habit that I have now dramatically, and I can not I die this insatiable sexual exciting ever...so does it's mean that i am gayness?
NO!!!! , if a gay (lets say the stereotypical one) has sex with a woman, does he become straight???? no...
just stop being fucked even if that made u enjoy, otherwise u could be considered as bisexual, well being fucked by a girl or a ts isn't really that gay,
YOU BORN GAY OR YOU BORN STRAIGHT, u cant change it (at least someone makes you a new genetically modification that probably doesn't exist)
yea, fuck all the gays, u wont become gay! OK?
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6 Things Every Man Who Dates Trans Women Needs to Know

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“I cannot promise to love you fearlessly / But I can love you courageously” – d’bi young anitafrika, “Rivers of Love”
This is a love letter to each and every one of you.
This is a letter to let you know that I still think about everything we did and will do together, everything we’ve talked about, every fight we had, and every tender moment we’re going to share.
This is a letter to P, who was always gentle. It’s a letter to M, so curious and kind, if occasionally thoughtless. To S – with whom the sex was freaking unbelievable. To J, always punning and making me laugh; and to E, who is always truthful.
This is a letter to all the men, both cisgender and transgender, who have ever loved me, and to all the men I will ever love.
I want you to know that you change my life and give me strength – even when things between us were/are hard. I want you to know that I see you, I appreciate you, even when I am challenging you to treat women like me – trans women and women of color – better than men in this society are taught to.
I know that being a man who is dating a trans woman (who is outspoken and only sometimes passes) is not always an easy thing. Let’s also take as a given the fact that being a trans woman who is outspoken and only sometimes passes is pretty much never easy thing.
Both of these things are true because of the transmisogyny that still runs rampant in our society and the communities we live in. And while this discrimination and hatred is mainly leveled toward girls like me, I know that some of it is reflected onto you as well.
This is something that is so, so hard to talk about. It’s something has remained unspoken, yet incredibly real, between us, as it does between so many trans women and the men they date.
Part of the difficulty, I know, is that you may not want to admit that being attracted to, going out with, and having sex with trans women comes with intense social stigma .
Another part is that trans feminists like myself believe that any discussion of transmisogyny must center around trans women ourselves. I don’t agree with Laverne Cox (for once in my life) when she says that men who date trans women “ are probably more stigmatized than trans women .”
Men who date trans women are not murdered regularly the way that we are. You don’t experience employment and housing discrimination or exclusion from social spaces in the way that we do.
But neither can I pretend that you live your life totally free from the violence and humiliation that a transmisogynistic culture attaches to my body – a body that you have touched and held and become associated with.
And as much as we may wish that things were different, you and I know that there are so many walls that lie in the way of our loving each other. These barriers have caused us to question ourselves, and our relationships.
Often, we fought about them. Sometimes, we broke up because of them.
You shouldn’t have to learn how to fight transphobia and shaming in order to be with me. I shouldn’t have to teach you how. But the truth is, this is world that often necessitates both.
Whether I like it or not, I am in this fight to the end. I have to be.
You, however, have a choice: your privilege allows you to choose whether you want to walk away from the struggle that is loving trans women, or stay fighting with us.
And if you should choose the latter – and I hope you do – then there are a few things I need you to know about shame, loving trans women, and loving yourself.
A huge amount of the stigma around straight men who date trans women is actually based in homophobia. Straight men who are attracted to us are called “f*ggots” and “h*mos,” and may have their heterosexuality called into question.
The implication here being that trans women aren’t really women, so if a man dates us, that means he’s gay.
Conversely, gay men often shy away from dating us – even if they want to – because they “aren’t supposed to be into women.”
And most anyone who dates trans women is at least occasionally subjected to the notion that they’re “into freaky stuff.”
Freaky stuff meaning, of course, women like me.
Past, present, and future boyfriends, I need to tell you something: If you identify as straight, then you can date trans women. If you are bisexual, you can date trans women. If you are gay, pansexual, omnisexual, or asexual, you can date trans women , and it doesn’t change your identity one little bit unless you want it to, because you know what?
You and only you get to decide how to define your sexual orientation.
I sometimes meet men who believe (or have been told) that their being attracted to trans women is a form of mental illness. Some of you are, or have been, those men.
Most often, you have absorbed this message from the media: How many Hollywood comedies feature jokes where a straight man finds out that he’s been dating or having sex with a trans woman and flat-out vomits? How many tabloid stories proclaim that a male celebrity has been caught with a trans woman as though this were shocking, sensational news?
More rarely, though still frighteningly often, they have been explicitly told this by a religious/spiritual leader or a health professional.
The implication here is that trans women are so repulsive that you would have to be “crazy” to want to be with us – which bears a striking resemblance to the idea that a person must be mentally ill if they identify with a gender different from the one they were assigned at birth.
But neither my body nor your attraction to it is disgusting or sensational or ill. My body is beautiful, and so is your love. If we are abnormal, that means only that our relationship is different from the one prescribed to us by society.
And there is nothing repulsive about that.
As men who are attracted to trans women, you already know that one of most intense forms of transphobia that you will experience is an attack against your own gender identity.
Ignorant people – mostly other men – may insult your masculinity, questioning your ability to attract “real women,” and insult that ways that you have sex.
Cis men are not alone in this – trans men, too, are affected by the backlash that comes from dating trans women.
What you have to understand is that these attacks come from a place of fear. You, me, and our relationships are all very frightening to men whose sense of confidence and power come from reinforcing patriarchy.
The existence of romance and sexuality between a man and a transwoman is a challenge to the invisible rule stating that in order to be a “real” man, you have to “win” a cisgender woman’s companionship and sexually dominate her body.
It forces all men to question their belief in the foundations of their identity and privilege.
Remember this: Their masculinity is weak, because it relies on the subjugation of other’s bodies in order to exist. Yours is, or will be, strong, because it is learning how to stand on its own.
Conventional straight couples have many love stories written about them: the prince and princess, the beauty and the beast, the hero and the damsel in distress. You and I have only one: the “tranny-chaser” and the “she-male/chick-with-a-dick.”
This story reduces us and the entirety of our relationships to nothing more than a tired old sex joke, a pornographic trope, an offensive cliché.
As trans activist/author/scientist Julia Serano writes, “People automatically presume that any person who is attracted to, or has sex with, a trans person must automatically have some kind of ‘fetish.’”
It’s true, of course, that there are some men who fetishize trans women – who want us only to fuel transmisogynist sex fantasies. I come across them all the time on OKCupid.
But you and I are much more than that. Our relationships have been deeper and more complex than any cliché could ever hope to contain.
And no amount of ridiculous jokes can ever take that from us.
You may hear from people trying to patronize or subtly insult you that you’re “such a good person” for bearing through the difficulties of dating a trans woman.
It’s possible that you’ve received backhanded compliments on how progressive you are, since you’re willing to put up with the burden of my gender identity.
This is insulting to you and me. I am not something you have to pity in order to love. You’re not doing charity work by going out with or sleeping with me.
Our relationship is not defined by the judgments of others, or even by the violence that I – a
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