Top Or Bottom Sex
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Top Or Bottom Sex
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Okay, it finally happened. You matched with a total hottie on Tinder and you’re checking out their bio, but you notice one little line at the bottom: total top. You know that it has something to do with their sexual preferences, but what does it mean to be a top, bottom, or vers during queer sex ? What do your friends mean when they talk about somebody having “bottom energy,” or when they call a stranger at a bar a total top?
Top, bottom, and vers are sexual terms used to describe a person’s preferences in bed. While the words “top” and “bottom” were first used to describe a binary system of both sexual position and power dynamics, the language has evolved since the gay leather scene of the 1950s , allowing for a bit more wiggle room and personalization.
The most straightforward explanation is that a top prefers to be in control , often interpreted as preferring to penetrate, while a bottom wants to relinquish some level of control, often interpreted as wanting to be penetrated. Someone who is vers finds both positions and power dynamics equally exciting. Of course, this is an oversimplified (and antiquated) answer, as every person has their own boundaries and preferences, even if they share an identity.
According to some theories , the queer community latched onto using top and bottom as sexual descriptors in the 1960s and ‘70s, as queers developed codes like flagging to highlight their sexual preferences to any interested parties. This was around the same time that vers became part of the queer lexicon .
Despite what some may think, top, bottom, and vers are not terms exclusively for queer men, but descriptors that can be used for any sexual relationship. Even cishet men get the strap sometimes. Many folks top and bottom without penetration, and no categorization or term is ever all-encompassing.
With all that out of the way, here is a basic rundown of what it means to top, bottom, and switch.
A top is generally described as someone who wants to be in control during sex.
According to Carly S ., a pleasure educator at Spectrum Boutique , topping can take a variety of forms, but it can include fingering, giving or receiving oral, penetrating with a penis or strap, or other acts in which a top is in control of their partner’s pleasure.
“Being a top doesn't necessarily refer to the mechanics of how someone has sex, but the power dynamic where one person is taking the lead, or is more in control of what activities you're going to participate in,” they told Them .
While the idea that tops are in control during sex is helpful for a general understanding, Spectrum Boutique founder Zoe Ligon explains that standard definitions of topping are insufficient to capture nuanced sexual identities.
Such definitions, she says, “lack all the nuance of a ‘power bottom,’ for instance, who is receiving sexual acts but is in control, or a ‘service top,’ who performs the acts but is receiving commands,” she told Them . “Sometimes there is no ‘power exchange’ at all, just sex, or sometimes there is no sex act and just power exchange.”
Ultimately, topping is a spectrum that includes a wide range of sexual identities. For example, stone tops are usually tops who want to do all the touching and do not want any reciprocal sexual activities. No matter what your partner’s position preference is, as always, it’s important to make sure you set exact boundaries with all your sexual partners before you engage in any sex.
The best takeaway here is that there is no right way to top during sex . Everybody has different preferences, and the most helpful thing you can do is communicate with your partner. If you want to take control during sex, ask your partner what they are interested in and what their boundaries are.
It’s important to check in with your partner frequently during sex while you top, as penetration can be painful and everyone has different boundaries. Take things slow and respect everyone’s individual capacity for pain, relaxation, and comfort while they bottom.
“Just saying ‘I'm a top’ does not provide enough information to really know someone's sexual likes and dislikes unless you ask them more about it, and that is the secret to good sex. Talking about it,” Ligon said.
Another thing to keep in mind is that there are an infinite number of ways to top. Performance anxiety is perfectly natural, but keep in mind getting hard or being dominant aren’t necessary to top.
“These terms are great jumping-off points for discussion, but you can't really make any assumptions about what these terms mean to someone unless you ask,” says Zoe Ligon.
Conversely, a bottom is somebody who typically wants to give away control during sex. Bottoms are usually on the receiving end of sex, as opposed to the giving end. This is a pretty general description, and there’s been a longstanding online debate about whether something like giving head, for example, would be considered topping or bottoming.
“When thinking about a bottom, what comes to me is more someone that wants to be directed and/or submissive,” Jimanekia Eborn , a trauma specialist and sexuality educator, told Them .
However, Carly S. explains that some bottoms can still be assertive and in control during sex.
As with topping, bottoming exists on a spectrum. Power bottoms are generally bottoms who tell their partner or partners what to do during sex. Bratty bottoms usually like to belittle and demean their tops during sex by teasing them. Other subcategories of bottoming include stone bottoms, or pillow princesses , who usually only want to be on the receiving end during sex.
As always, however, communication is key regardless of a person’s sexual identity, and figuring out exactly what your partner does or doesn’t like during sex, regardless of how they identity, will ensure that everyone has a safe, enjoyable time in bed.
According to Ligon, as with all types of sex, communicating with your partner both ahead of time and during is essential. Make sure you’ve set any necessary boundaries and told your partner what you enjoy, and keep them updated. You don’t need to be in control to make sure you are comfortable and enjoying the experience.
Ligon said no label or category can perfectly describe human existence, which is why communication is key regardless of sexual identity.
“I encourage people to define what these terms mean for themselves personally so that they can more specifically communicate needs and wants to a partner, since no one's a mind reader,” she said. “These terms are great jumping-off points for discussion, but you can't really make any assumptions about what these terms mean to someone unless you ask.”
If you aren’t sure about what boundaries you have during sex, Carly suggests exploring what feels good to your through masturbation . Penetration be painful at first, so if it’s something you want to try as a bottom, testing out sex toys ahead of time can be helpful.
“Explore on your own first, if that's with toys or fingers, or just reading books about how to safely play,” Carly said. “Going into an experience with some knowledge will have you feeling more confident and able to better verbalize your boundaries and wants/needs.”
“If you aspire to be a top, and the most dominant thing you do is order Starbucks, bring that energy to the bedroom," says Shanae Adams.
A switch, or vers, is someone who enjoys both topping and bottoming. Someone who is vers might also like specific parts of topping and specific parts of bottoming, but not want to take a full on top or bottom role.
“A vers is a person who can switch between both roles because they are versatile,” Shanae Adams , a sexuality professional and educator with a M.A. in Clinical Counseling, told Them . “Verses switch based on the activity, the partner, the day of the week, the color of their panties. They may be motivated to provide the most pleasurable experience for themselves and their partner(s).”
Adams recommends thinking about how you embody top and bottom energy outside of the bedroom and bringing that to the table when switching.
“If you aspire to be a top, and the most dominant thing you do is order Starbucks, bring that energy to the bedroom. Talk to your partner about giving orders or being told what to do. If you aspire to be submissive and love how it feels to focus on others and not yourself, bring that energy to the bedroom. Make your partner your focus,” Adams said.
Fluidity and communication are key to embracing your versatility during sex, according to Carly S.
“Be flexible and open depending on how you're feeling and how the dynamic is with the other person,” Carly said.
Ultimately, top, bottom, and vers are on a spectrum that looks different for everyone. If you don’t feel like any of these labels fit you, don’t feel like you have to squeeze yourself into any of them to have fulfilling sex.
“Do not get so attached to a title or a label. You do not have to have one, so take some pressure off yourself,” Eborn said. “They can be when you are expressing for how you may show up in sexual activity. But, if none of those feel good for you, you don’t have to use them.”
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Are You Top Or Bottom? Sex & Intimacy Quiz
10 Questions
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By Shaveta | Last updated: Mar 22, 2022
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Yes, I have noticed mostly, and every time I catch myself, I look away, and I feel terrible about it.
No, other than looking at them as friends? Oh wait, does that count?
Yes, actually, that's all I do; for some odd reason, I just don't like guys (or like but less than girls).
Are you into roleplay and keep switching roles? You can take this top or bottom quiz to know if you are suitable for top or bottom roles. The top and bottom are the traits that represent your dominative or submissive roles during intercourse. Mostly, the dominative person is the controller, and the bottom person is the follower. With this quiz, you will get your personality. You can also share the quiz with friends and help them find their roles too.
What Does Being a Top or a Bottom Really Mean?
You keep using that word and I do not think it means what you think it means
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If you’ve been hanging around the LGBTQ+ community in any capacity, especially gay men, you’ve likely heard about tops and bottoms. Maybe you’ve heard or even made jokes about it. Maybe you’ve heard it said in different terms: giver and receiver, pitcher and catcher, etc.
When it comes to sex between two men (or two people with penises), the top is the one doing the penetrating, and the bottom is the one being penetrated.
In the past year or so, I have started seeing tweets and posts along the lines of “if you see the three little dots when texting someone and you let them go first then you’re a bottom,” or “tops be like: loudly announces presence when they walk into a room.” Things in that vein.
Something about it always rubbed me the wrong way, so I decided to write about it.
Being a top or a bottom has everything to do with penetrative sex and pretty much nothing to do with anything else. It has no effect on your personality in the way these memes seem to think it does.
It doesn’t affect who texts first, how masculine or feminine you are, or even how dominant or submissive you are. It literally only refers to whether you prefer to give or receive when it comes to penetrative sex. And even then, from what I’ve heard, most people like to switch it up and prefer not to be defined by just that one role.
Personally, I think these memes where you identify yourself as a top or a bottom need to end. Because now there are literal children on social media calling themselves tops and bottoms when they’re not even close to having sex yet. And they shouldn’t be.
It has even gotten to the point where straight people are calling themselves tops and bottoms. When normally, in a straight (at least, a straight cisgender couple), the man is the “top” and the woman is the “bottom,” because the man is the one doing the penetrating.
I don’t think I need to explain why straight people adopting gay terminology and applying it to themselves is problematic.
I don’t think I need to explain why children adopting sexual roles for themselves is problematic.
I do think that we need to stop using these terms unless we’re explicitly talking about queer sex and only queer sex.
A new intersectional publication, geared towards voices, values, and identities!
He/they. 26-year-old trans guy. Writing about video games, LGBTQ+ stuff, and whatever else can capture my attention for more than a minute at a time.
Do you like to be on top or underneath? (I mean during sex obviously.) No, bunk bed jokes!
Select age and gender to cast your vote:
Your age
Girl Guy Please select your age
Which do you prefer during sex? Top or bottom?
Honestly, I just like sex. I dont really care top or bottom, as long as its sex lol
What can I do since I hate being on top?
I'm a versatile bottom. Prefer it 'cause I'm small. It looks cute that way, and easy for girls to touch, swallow, or hold as they position themselves onto me and guide it inside themselves.
Top, bottom, side, behind, in front, its more fun when moving all around.
Both, the wife like to ride too, can't take that from her
Me on top most f the time as my boyfriend is very strong. He squezzes me he is on top.
To be honest it doesn't matter jus as long as my head is between her thighs and tongue is working yummy
bottom of course. i love to see her tits jiggle bounce up and down while she rides me away lol
Is doggy being on bottom? if so, both. I like to start with the guy on top and finish doggy.
I prefer bottom because it frees up my hands to grab and explore her body.
I like both, but being on top get me over the top faster.
i would try all which my partner would be interested in
Anything where I am the submissive one
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Fuck yeh me too head pushed down onto bed
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