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Why are small children so obsessed with their genitals, and what do you do if your 3 year old starts fiddling with himself in the supermarket?!
Does your child seem fascinated with genitals – both his own and other people’s? Don’t worry: according to experts, his interest is a normal part of his development.
Masturbation is a common childhood habit that starts early.
“Babies naturally explore their bodies and if something feels pleasurable, they want to repeat it,” says Viviane Green , child psychotherapist at London’s Anna Freud Centre .
“Young children also masturbate as a source of comfort, much like thumb-sucking, so you might find them doing it when they’re tired or anxious.”
During toilet training, youngsters become more aware of their genitals and how they differ from the opposite sex, particularly if they have an opposite-sex sibling. This can have amusing consequences.
“Adelaide refused to sit on the toilet to wee – she kept saying, ‘Mackenzie doesn’t sit down, so why should I?’ It was only after several weeks of trying, unsuccessfully, to wee standing up that she realised copying her brother was a non-starter,” recalls Anna, mum to Mackenzie, 5, and Adelaide, 3½.
While some little girls wish they had a willy, others, like Chloe, 5, definitely do not.
“Chloe’s very happy to be different from her three brothers, but doesn’t like them teasing her about it and already values her privacy,” says Emily, Chloe's mum.
Once they can talk, children have no qualms about commenting on people’s body parts – even if their observations aren’t complimentary.
“When Lacey was 2½ she went up to her nursery teacher, pressed her bosoms and said, ‘Why have you got flat boobies? My mummy doesn’t have flat boobies,’” admits Lacey’s mum, Samantha.
“Fortunately, the teacher saw the funny side and proceeded to explain to the class that people – and their boobies – come in all shapes and sizes.”
Comparing private parts is a favourite activity of many young children, particularly from around the age of 4, when curiosity about other people’s bodies really kicks in.
“Alfie, my 5 year old, is the only uncircumcised boy in his class. When a friend and her son (also uncircumcised) came to stay, I heard Alfie, who’d kindly taken 3-year-old Jake to the toilet, exclaim, ‘Hey, you haven’t got a Jewish willy either.’ I also recently found Alfie and his mate with their trousers down showing each other their bottoms,” says Alfie’s mum, Becky.
Apparently this is all quite normal. “Little kids love taking their clothes off, and most of the time it’s harmless. Obviously, if the game is getting rough or a child isn’t enjoying it, you should intervene,” says Viviane Green.
Great, so knowing our kids are having the odd fiddle is nothing to worry about. But what if they happen to be doing it in public?
Suzie Hayman , spokesperson for Parentline Plus , a national charity that works for and with parents, believes the worst thing you can do if a child is masturbating is tell him off.
“Telling a child that his genitals are something to be ashamed of can affect how he feels about himself later. I’ve seen lots of adults who think of themselves as disgusting because of negative messages they received as children,” Suzie says.
But surely, as far as playing with one’s privates is concerned, there’s a time and a place, even when you’re 2 years old?
“Yes,” says Suzie, “and we need to teach our children that – we just have to do it in the right way. Explain that touching your body is fine, but it’s something people do when they’re alone. Distract younger children with a toy or give them something else they can do with their hands. Never tell them it’s wrong,” she advises.
But in practice it’s not always that simple. “Taylor was playing with himself one day as my mum was about to walk in. Knowing she’d disapprove, I asked him to stop. But he just said, “Why? It feels nice,”’ laughs Siobhan, mum to Taylor, aged 5.
“The problem for some parents is that they, themselves, grew up in an atmosphere in which masturbation was frowned upon, so they panic when they see their own children doing it, says Suzie.
“It’s important to stay calm. If you react strongly you’re giving your child the impression he’s done something wrong and you’re also giving him lots of attention, which might make him do it more.”
Experts stress that how we respond to our children when they’re young will determine whether or not they feel able to talk to us about sex and body parts later.
Dr Polly Carmichael , consultant clinical psychologist at Great Ormond Street Hospital , believes we shouldn’t make a big deal of these matters.
“Let children know that talking about genitals is fine – they’re just another part of the body. And reassure them that everyone is different – kids can get very anxious about this,’ Polly says.
Using pet names for genitals can be helpful, although experts recommend we also teach toddlers the correct ones.
Mum Jacqui taught 6-year-old Emilia the word vagina early on and got more than she bargained for. “For weeks it was Emilia’s favourite word – I even heard her telling her dolls about their vaginas. Luckily, she eventually lost interest,” Jacqui recalls.
So as parents we should lighten up about kids and genitals. But is there ever a time when a child’s fascination with them could be a cause for concern?
“If a little one is masturbating constantly, there might be something going on in his life that’s causing him anxiety,” says Polly Carmichael. “If a youngster seems overly sexualised – if he’s trying to copy adult sexual acts or using adult language – he may have been exposed to something inappropriate. If you’re worried, keep an eye on him or talk to your GP or health visitor.”
Such cases, however, are the exception. Ninety nine times out of a hundred, young children fiddling with their genitals is entirely normal and as they get older, most do it less or in private.
“When I asked my son once why he was playing with his willy he replied, ‘Because it’s fun.’ And who can argue with that?”
Plus: Can I keep my ex-girlfriend’s panties?
by
Savage Love
October 31st, 2014 October 1st, 2022
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My son is 15 going on 16, and he’s been experimenting with masturbation. At the moment, I pretty much just think fine, whatever, he’s a teenager, there’s very little I can do about it. So long as he doesn’t get porn-obsessed and start letting his grades slip, it’s fine. The issue is that, a few months ago, his younger sister found one of her tampons in the garbage, and it was covered with poop. She brought it up to me and my wife, and we didn’t think much of it—until a couple of months ago, when my wife discovered, again, a used, shitty tampon in the garbage. We had a talk with our son and told him that we understand he is maturing sexually and we don’t care how he explores his sexuality. However, we also don’t want to find shitty tampons or whatever else in the garbage. Then, a couple of days ago, we were going to bed and we heard a noise coming from his bathroom. We checked it out and found his toothbrush in the sink, butt-end being rinsed with the water running full blast for who knows how long (he was downstairs). We asked him why he was doing that, and he said the cat had pissed on his toothbrush. We think his story is bullshit, as although the cat does piss on the floor, the cat has never peed on a counter before.
We are fine with him exploring his sexuality, but at the same time, we don’t want to find tidbits of what he’s doing out in the open. As I’ve explained to him, he needs to do a better job of hiding it, because if a friend had come over and found a shitty tampon in the garbage can, what would they think? However, it looks like shaming him to hide it better might be the only way. What are your thoughts on this? Are we in the wrong here? —Perplexed Over Progeny’s Sexuality
You haven’t found any more shit-covered tampons in the trash since you spoke to your son about it months ago, POPS, so either he’s doing a better job of hiding those shit-covered tampons—he’s honoring his father and mother—or he’s not putting his sister’s tampons up his ass anymore. And your concern for the delicate sensibilities of your friends is a bit of a reach. A true friend wouldn’t paw through the trash in your bathroom, and anyone who did dig through the trash in your bathroom deserves to find not just one shit-smeared tampon, but a handful.
As for the toothbrush, POPS, it wasn’t left “out in the open.” You found it in the sink in his bathroom. You discovered it because he stupidly left the water running full blast, it’s true, but it wasn’t out in the open in a shared communal space. If you had texted me the moment you found the toothbrush, I would’ve immediately texted you back and advised you to turn the water off and refrain from asking your son about the toothbrush. If you had to say something to him about it, POPS, I would’ve advised you to go with this: “Don’t leave the water running in your sink.”
Your son would’ve figured that you saw the toothbrush, figured that you figured it had been in his ass, and never made that mistake again. (Just as he’s never made the tampon mistake again.) But you made the mistake of asking your son for an explanation (“Why are you doing that?”) in a context where (1) your son isn’t going to tell you the truth (“The cat pissed on it, Pops!”), and (2) you can’t handle the truth (“I was fucking myself in the ass with it, Pops!”).
Zooming out for a second: A boy who’s almost 16 isn’t “experimenting with masturbation.” He’s perfecting his technique. And we can deduce from the tampons and toothbrushes that your son likes assplay. That’s not a problem. Inconsideration used to be a problem (disposing of shitty tampons where his family members might find them), but he’s knocked that off, right? So the only remaining problem is that he’s putting things in his ass that aren’t designed for assplay.
If you don’t want your son abusing any cucumbers or mixing spoons or Oscar statuettes that might be lying around your house—and if you don’t want to have to rush him to an emergency room in a few months to retrieve something that gets stuck in his ass—consider purchasing a few ass-appropriate toys for him, i.e., one or two small silicone butt plugs with flared bases. He’ll be mortified when you give them to him, POPS, but no more mortified than you were when you found those shitty tampons.
Buying sex toys for kids is a hurdle most parents can’t clear. If it’s not something you can do, then you’ll have to turn a blind eye to any toothbrushes you might find in sinks over the next few years.
You’ll also want to thoroughly wash cucumbers before consuming them. —Dan
Say your boyfriend has a spanking fetish, and he spanks other women with one particular belt—but not you, because you don’t like it, but you’re OK with him making dates to spank others—and he wears that particular belt all the time, even though you’ve asked him not to. What’s going on here? —Ass Spared, Feelings Hurt
Equal parts inconsideration (on his part) and insecurity (on your part) are combining to create unnecessary drama. If spanking is so central to his identity that he has to wear his spanking belt every day, you may be the wrong girlfriend for him. If seeing an easy-to-overlook reminder of his fetish leaves this hurt, you’re less OK with those spanking dates than you pretend to be, ASFH, and he may be the wrong boyfriend for you. —Dan
I recently came across a pair of my ex-girlfriend’s lacy panties in an old pair of shorts I haven’t worn in years. I love wearing women’s panties, and I almost hit the floor when I found them. I was a mess after this girl dumped me. I was devastated. To this day, I have not found closure. This is where it gets tricky. A part of me wants to keep them because it’s so hot that they’re hers. I’m happy with my current girlfriend—I love her—but these panties really turn me on. The other part tells me to “show some respect” and get rid of them. Is this an ethical or moral issue? By keeping them, am I driving a wedge between me and my girlfriend? Any advice? —Old Panties Protocol
You’re entitled to your memories and your keepsakes. And if a pair of panties can drive a wedge between you and your current girlfriend, OPP, then your relationship is made of pretty flimsy stuff. If an old pair of panties doesn’t destroy it, the next strong breeze will.
Keep the panties, I say, but put them away somewhere that isn’t easily accessed—in a box in your storage space, on a high shelf in a closet—so you aren’t tempted to haul them out every time you want to have a wank. But now and then, maybe when the girlfriend is out of town, I don’t see the harm in retrieving your ex-girlfriend’s panties and enjoying a nice, long, leisurely wank down memory lane.
And finally, OPP, closure isn’t something you find. It’s something you do. —Dan
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