Times Mistress

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Times Mistress
10 Inevitable Things That Happen When You're A Mistress
Photo: Kate Kultsevych / shutterstock.com
 
By Callie C. — Written on Oct 14, 2021
Having spent over three years of my life hopelessly in love with someone who I was absolutely certain was my destined partner, I have come to realize some very important things about marginal versus true love.
If you've ever wondered what being a mistress is like, realize that this can happen to anyone.
I was an executive living in a sophisticated city. After many years of being single, I decided to focus on finding my perfect man. I wrote a fantasy list about what he might be like. A few months later, we met.
We had known each other in high school and were serendipitously reunited decades later by a technical fluke on LinkedIn. We had a harmless drink together while I was on a business trip. Drinks became dinner, with much laughter and reminiscing. It was love at first sight. Fate.
He never discussed his wife in the beginning. He had been married for almost 20 years. I never expected to become his mistress...
I ignored all the statistics and articles about affairs, rationalized my religious upbringing, and compromised every moral fiber in my body. It felt like everything I had held out for my entire life led to that one moment: when my dream guy told me of his definite plan to begin our new life together.
All the heartache seemed worthwhile until he disappeared without a word for weeks afterward.
In the end, it was all about selfishness, obsession, and greed on his part. A textbook cliché and a terrible mistake in hindsight, but when you are in your very first love bubble, you are completely irrational and absolutely blind.
There is no emotion on earth more powerful than falling deeply in love after waiting your whole life for "the one," your perfect match.
However, the bottom line is that the vast majority of the time, married men will not leave their wives , and they definitely won't leave their children or fortunes. If they do leave, statistics of success are unfavorable.
He may even admit it, and you will think it's just temporary as he is "in transition," but this disrespectful behavior will continue.
He will do what he needs to in order to keep the peace at home. After all, "it's complicated."
You may be his perfect "baby doll" and new best friend, but she's the mother of his children. That bond and history are like cement, especially if she's loyal and still loves him.
She controls the mood in the home and the happiness of his kids. He will not risk disruption of his children's development; they are his proudest achievement.
He will squeeze you in around agendas at work and precious moments with his family to make you feel important.
He will give you just enough charming calls, sexy texts, expensive dinners out, token gifts, cards and I love you's to keep you in tow for months, making you forget you are only on the sidelines of his life, not in the core.
He may even be bold enough to keep a corporate condo with you in an urban location so that he can have the best of both worlds. You might relocate your career for him thinking he's truly committed to you.
You will forget as you play "house" that you are just the mistress, not the Mrs . You have no rights to anything.
You will feel lonely as he spoils his family on birthdays, Valentine’s Day, Easter, long weekends, Christmas, and New Year's Eve. You may receive untraceable or consumable gifts in lieu of real time together.
Family vacations or excursions with his wife (if he even tells you about them) will be torturous as you are reminded you are nothing more than a secret.
You try harder to make him see what he has been missing when you welcome him back home. He will reinforce how much he's in love with you from the distance and time apart, and that he will tell his wife soon, so you stay.
You will eventually avoid interacting with certain friends and family as time in the affair bubble goes on, and it becomes harder and harder to lie to them about your dating situation. Why is a great girl like you still single? Have you met anyone? Are you being too picky?
You begin to question how "great" you really are for getting into such a shameful situation. But you have his keys, credit card numbers, passwords, and secrets.
You have come this far; surely he cannot live in duality for much longer. Life is about taking risks, especially for true love, right? Wrong.
If you think this is the first time he has stepped out of his marriage, think again. Embezzlers steal small amounts of money before they move up to stealing millions. Men cheat in different ways before they become comfortable with full-fledged affairs.
You might actually believe your situation is different and that you are special. You will waste valuable time waiting for a commitment that will never materialize.
Instead, you could be giving your heart to someone who includes you in his whole life, not just on the shady sidelines.
If you attempt to end the affair, he will let you go every time because he doesn't want to be "your gravity" in holding you back.
He will manipulate you with his tears, love letters, roses, and heart-wrenching voice messages. There will be more empty promises that he will finally talk to his wife, but know this: he will never leave her, his kids, or his money.
If you try to give him space to work on his marriage he may become concerned about your long-term loyalty. You return to him, hoping to prove you will be there when he leaves her. This situation is making you absolutely miserable when you are apart.
You beg him to tell his wife — she deserves to know! Your mood will become more volatile as you think of her at home waiting for him, innocent and unsuspecting. You want him to make the right choice without pressure.
This is just not right and you know it, yet you protect him anyway. Questioning him only upsets him, so you hide the pain and try not to complain.
Over time, your guilty subconscious mind may develop several anxiety-related conditions as you struggle with the duplicity of the affair. Somewhere along the line, that confident, intelligent woman disappeared. You won't recognize who you have become.
You'll feel trapped. You are truly in love with him and cannot be with anyone else, but he's not being loyal to you. He might suggest that you date other men (with a warning not to bring anything back) if your devotion becomes too much for him when his wife needs him at home.
A part of you will die every time you compromise and return to him when he says he can't live without you. Yet, in the end, he definitely can.
You will feel used and cheap when he finally tells you things "really aren't that bad" and that he "cannot reconcile" you with his obligations at home. You now know that he values his safe, predictable, wealthy lifestyle far more than living an open, honest new life with you.
Mistresses are like diamonds: sparkly, beautiful, and only worn for certain occasions. Wives are like water: needed every day to sustain the well-being of his family, relatives, financial and social status.
Wives are part of the core. Mistresses are marginal. Both women are kept in the dark.
You finally pack up and walk out the door for good, realizing this situation is like an infinity circle making you unfocused in all areas of your life. You are on the road to healing but be warned: Once a married man cheats, he's very likely to do it again .
He may complain to you he's sexually frustrated and lonely as you stand your ground and send him back to his wife. He may even claim he made a mistake by letting you go.
You want him to make an honest woman out of you, so you remain resolute. You cry hard because you miss him so much.
You have just one small ounce of hope left for a future together, but the void of frequent sex and attention will not work for him. Be prepared to find out one day he has slyly moved on to someone even more of a fool than you were. He may hint he "plans on staying young for a long time" and that he feels sorry for you.
If he's willing to abuse his position of power at work, his new trustworthy target will likely be an ambitious, amorous, and naive young girl who he can mentor, promote, and travel with undetected on the company tab.
His guilt, if any, will be short-lived for wasting your time should you happen to find him out. After all, you were a part of it and you knew what you were getting into. Don't be surprised if your thoughtful gifts are thrown away and you are completely ignored while his new playmate feeds his ego.
After enough time spent being a mistress, suddenly, you will realize with full force and momentous magnitude that you have wasted years of your life for literally... nothing.
You will be paralyzed with shock and in complete disbelief that the man who was once so crazy in love with you replaced you in a New York minute.
Your relationship was nothing more than a pattern of behavior, and not true love at all. Any beautiful memories of intimate moments you once cherished believing he stayed "for the kids" will be cheapened by his new affair choice.
You now know you were just a blip, a mere highlight in his life, while he was everything in yours. Unless you are blessed enough to meet a kind, honest, and patient man, your journey of recovery will be long.
Most friends will have little empathy for women like you. Some will quietly think you got what you deserved, while others will suddenly be very busy when you need that shoulder to cry on. You will be judged and alone.
The time it will take to redirect your derailed life may be much longer than the time you actually spent in the relationship. The memories will haunt you. The mental anguish and humiliation will age you.
Not one doctor will be able to diagnose the phantom pains in your body. You now realize this was never about "fate," but about choice.
My strong advice: Don't get involved with a married man for any reason. Leave him and never look back.
Remember: If he can cheat with you, he can cheat on you. It takes a special kind of "man" to look his wife in the eye, then tell her that he loves her while living a separate life with another woman.
He's a coward and a liar — a selfish, arrogant, duplicitous adulterer with no conscience who exploits genuine love and trust. He's not worth another moment of your precious time. Better never to have loved and lost, than ever to have loved him at all.
Callie C. is a writer who covers heartbreak and love.
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Part of HuffPost News. ©2022 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved.
Let's be clear. There's never a good excuse for engaging in an affair with someone who is married. But it does happen. And at the end of the day, women who become mistresses or "the other woman" are our daughters, sisters, aunts, mothers, wives, and neighbors. They are women within our communities.
Freelance Writer/Co-Host@The Broad's Way Podcast/Creator/Writer@The Pondering Nook/Lover/Mother/Stepmother
Aug 22, 2016, 11:57 AM EDT | Updated Dec 6, 2017
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Part of HuffPost News. ©2022 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved.
Freelance Writer/Co-Host@The Broad's Way Podcast/Creator/Writer@The Pondering Nook/Lover/Mother/Stepmother
Let's be clear. There's never a good excuse for engaging in an affair with someone who is married. But it does happen. And at the end of the day, women who become mistresses or "the other woman" are our daughters, sisters, aunts, mothers, wives, and neighbors. They are women within our communities.
I know this is a hot-button issue and I realize many wives who have been the victim of a cheating husband may have raw wounds on this subject. I'm hoping to shed some light on a human level as to why some women get involved in affairs with married men. Here are 5 things I think wives should know about mistresses.
Yes, believe it or not, a mistress does feel guilt. If she is aware of the fact that her lover is married, she goes through all the normal emotions associated with guilt on a daily basis, such as sadness and depression.
A mistress feels guilty when her lover chooses to spend time with her on a weekend, knowing there is a wife and possibly children waiting at home. She feels guilty when she hears other people talk about cheating spouses. She feels guilty when she watches movies about adultery.
Guilt is the permanent ghost that accompanies a mistress throughout the entire affair and afterward.
That said, many mistresses are totally unaware that their lover is married. Many men go to great lengths to hide the fact that they are married. If a husband can have an affair and betray the woman he married, then he is capable of telling multiple lies, both to the wife and mistress.
Bottom Line : Unless a woman is a sociopath, she feels guilty for crossing the line, just like any normal human being would.
Guilt is the permanent ghost that accompanies a mistress throughout the entire affair and afterward.
2. She Probably Never Planned On Being A Mistress
Every adult is accountable for their own actions -- of that there is no doubt. Unfortunately, sometimes circumstances and poor decisions can lead to affairs.
It's not likely on the goal list of any woman to get wrapped up in an affair with a married man and potentially lose her career, credibility, friends, or -- in some extreme cases -- her life because of it. Not to mention, some women who have affairs are also married and have families of their own that they are jeopardizing by getting involved in an affair.
Many women end up being the other woman by having a "fling" with a man with whom they never intended on being with on a regular basis. They may or may not have known the man was married but they went ahead anyway, later ending up infatuated or in love.
There are women out there that don't have a problem dating married men and seem to have little regret about it, but generally speaking, this is not usually the case.
Many times a husband will make promises that can string a mistress along until so much time passes that it becomes difficult for her to break it off. A husband may even go so far as to tell the mistress he's separated or in the process of a divorce when this is not the case. If a mistress is in love, she may not want to end it, even if she knows it's wrong.
If a woman has become a mistress and she knows that her lover is married, then most certainly she feels jealous. She feels jealous every time he walks out the door. She knows he is going home to another woman. She knows her lover has another life at his home which she will never be a part of.
Unless she has a family of her own, a mistress's life is usually pretty lonely, emphasized by the fact that her heart probably sinks just thinking of what her lover is doing at home with his wife and family. She feels jealous that he shares a bed with his wife and will never know the true level of intimacy that's going on despite what she's been told.
Some mistresses even have children with their married lovers. Imagine what a complicated web that must be.
There's no doubt that a mistress feels envious that her lover's relationship with his wife is not a secret to the world like hers most likely is. One thing that many mistresses crave more than anything is validation that her relationship with her lover is real. Sneaking around in secrecy is not the ideal for having a healthy, long-term relationship.
A mistress, like any other woman, wants her lover to be proud of her, to tell their friends about her, and for them to have the desire to tell the whole world how much they love her.
4. She Fell In Love With The Wrong Person
Well, this is a no-brainer, but unfortunately, love and lust are blind. A woman who ignores repeated red flags because of love or lust will eventually find out she has picked the wrong person to be with.
A mistress is bound to come to this realization sooner or later. She may choose to stay in the affair long after she's realized her mistake for any number of reasons including denial, fear, and, of course, love.
Falling for the wrong person happens to all of us. It happens to single women dating single men. It happens to women who fall in love with married men. It happens to the wife of a husband who is having an affair. It happens to same-sex couples as well.
The point is, most likely the mistress already knows she has made a huge mistake and only stays in the affair because she thinks her lover wants to be with her. Of course, some women may not be that emotionally attached to their lovers, but I would guess that most are -- especially in long-term affairs that carry on for years.
Mistresses are just like any other woman in the world. They don't necessarily need to be vilified.
5. She May Believe There Is A Future
How many women fall for a man and believe most of what he says? We've all done it at some point or another. If a woman knows her lover is married or found out at some point after she already fell for him, then there is no doubt she has been sweet-talked and promised to hundreds of times.
It's fairly common for a cheating husband to tell his mistress that he is miserable in his marriage and wants to get out. This may or may not be true, but whether or not he does get out of the marriage is another thing. If there are children involved or if the husband does truly want to be with his wife, then he won't make the steps to leave the marriage
A mistress has already placed herself in a vulnerable position, so if she is in love with the man she is having the affair with, she will make excuses for him, and probably suffers from deep denial. It may take months or even years for a mistress to realize that a man is not going to leave his wife for her. If he was, he would have done it sooner than later.
Hanging on to an affair in hopes that a man will leave his wife is something many mistresses do, and if there are years that pass by, she becomes more invested in the relationship, and also more comfortable within the lie. The affair becomes her normal. The secrecy becomes her normal, and in many cases, she will self-medicate or behave destructively to alleviate the guilt and shame.
Being the mistress is not glamorous. An affair may start out as a thrilling, romantic whirlwind, but it almost always ends up a depressing, disheartening situation. Mistr
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