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Our conversations are sprinkled with slips, pauses, lies, and clues to our inner world. Here’s what we reveal when we speak, whether we mean to or not.
Posted September 2, 2018
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Reviewed by Matt Huston
Morning sex vs. evening sex – it’s an age-old conflict, usually with men on one side and women on the other. Men wake up aroused, so morning is prime time. But women often prefer evenings, when things have relaxed a bit – after work and chores are done and children are put to bed. Why does this happen and how can you resolve the issue?
Testosterone difference – Men do have a spike in testosterone between six and nine o’clock in the morning. They naturally like to capitalize on a good morning erection. Unfortunately, women have their lowest amount of daily testosterone in the morning and a minimal increase by evening.
Difference in hormone cycles – Men can experience a daily 25-50% differential in testosterone in the morning, translating to a huge appetite for early sex. For women, however, significant changes in testosterone don’t happen daily, but monthly, with the largest increase happening mid-month during ovulation (and that increase is not nearly as dramatic as what men experience).
Cleanliness – Many women have a thing about being clean before sex. So, for her, the thought of morning breath and a night’s worth of sweat and genital odor can squash any desire for wake-up sex. These issues may be the last thing on a man's mind as he feels the warm closeness of his partner’s relaxed body.
1. Focus on the benefits . For example, after sex, the hormone vasopressin rises, prompting men to feel more emotional attachment .
2. Start slower. Spend time cuddling and lay on the compliments. British gynecologist and researcher Gabrielle Downey says that the single biggest interference with female desire is her body image . So, tell her you love her tousled look and naked face (and body) first thing in the morning.
3. Go to bed earlier. Sleep deprivation lowers testosterone levels in both genders. Getting enough sleep is essential for maintaining maximum hormonal balance and for limiting the stress hormone cortisol, which interferes with desire in both genders.
1. Watch competitive sports. Research indicates it increases his feelings of aggression and boosts his testosterone. It’s a great deal if she’s a sports fan, too.
2. Build anticipation about being together throughout the day to capitalize on the small increases of testosterone in her body. Sending loving, appreciative texts builds the emotional connection that might be an even more powerful trigger for her than testosterone.
3. Work out together at the end of the day. Thirty to forty minutes of intense resistance or endurance exercise increases testosterone levels. Arousal remains easier in the thirty minutes after exercise.
Be aware that sometimes the decision about when to have sex can be more about an emotional power struggle than personal preferences. In this case, it’s important to have an honest conversation to get to the root of the problem (and you may want to include a counselor if the problem is ongoing).
Each of you may have a favorite time of day, but pleasing your partner occasionally during their best moment brings fairness and fun. And when that happens, you both win.
Laurie Watson is an AASECT certified sex therapist and the podcast host of FOREPLAY - Radio Sex Therapy on iTunes. She lectures at Duke and UNC’s medical schools and can be reached at AwakeningsCenter.org.
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Our conversations are sprinkled with slips, pauses, lies, and clues to our inner world. Here’s what we reveal when we speak, whether we mean to or not.
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You came here looking for an answer, and an answer I will give you: Sex should last one hour, 34 minutes, and 22 seconds—the exact runtime of Wayne's World .
Shyeah, right! While I have a lot of respect (and follow-up questions) for anyone who’s regularly managing to bone for the duration of a feature film, of course I’m joking. There isn’t a specific length of time that sex should last, but people tend to conflate longer sex with better sex. Marathon sex sessions are used as a measurement of just how steamy an evening was. And while quickies can be fun, they should constitute a piece of a balanced sex life—not the whole thing. They’re like the candy and ice cream part of the food pyramid—very tasty, just not intended for everyday sustenance.
While there's no magic number, one study back in 2005 in the Journal of Sexual Medicine asked a bunch of sex therapists for their opinions on how long sex should last. Their guidelines separated sex into four categories: adequate, too short, too long, and desirable. They rated penetrative vaginal sex that lasted from 1-2 minutes as “too short,” and sex that lasted 10-30 minutes as “too long.” Meanwhile, “adequate” sex lasted 3-7 minutes and desirable sex lasted 7-13 minutes.
It’s difficult to get good data on the amount of time the average person spends getting freaky—are you keeping track of how long you’re humping and pumping?—especially because sex can be defined in a myriad of ways. For example, some people (and most studies) are only counting penetrative sex, which isn’t a particularly effective way to measure sex, since it’s both extremely heteronormative and not the way most people with vaginas are orgasming .
So I asked a handful of women and nonbinary people how long they’d ideally like sex to last, and with a few exceptions, the answers settled around five to ten minutes of intercourse, and longer for foreplay.
One woman said her ideal was 10-15 minutes of foreplay and 10 minutes of intercourse: “I find I get rather impatient in bed, or perhaps I just haven’t met someone worth taking more time.” Another said, “I feel like this sounds short, but honestly 5-10 mins plus like 15-ish minutes of foreplay.” Another woman said, “I generally like sex to last 15-20 minutes, with intercourse being like maybe a quarter of that.” Two women and one nonbinary woman answered that their ideal sex session including foreplay would last an hour or so—which seems like an endeavor ! Good for them!
It turns out people consistently say that they want sex to last longer than it does. Almost everyone I informally interviewed felt that their answers were shorter than average, when in reality almost all of them were either in line with or above the average duration of sex, which is around 5.4 minutes .
So while we’re all self-conscious that we’re shortchanging our down-and-dirty time, sex really doesn’t take that long—even for people who are completely happy with their sex lives. I don’t mean to suggest that shorter sex is better, by any means. But according to a Twitter poll asking, “Do you ever get bored during penetrative sex or want it to just be over already?” Eighty-two percent of the 819 participants said yes. The reason I knew to ask that (possibly leading) question is that I, too, have been bored during penetrative sex, just up there thinking about the fact that I need to check on the status of my car registration or how Joan Cusack hasn’t had a single leading film role (which is a damn shame).
According to another Twitter poll I conducted of 2,380 people who are on the receiving end of penetrative sex, most (61 percent) wanted the actual penetration to last about 5-10 minutes (without counting foreplay). Twenty-six percent said they wanted it to last longer than 11 minutes. For the most part, those who are penetrated don’t think that longer penetration is better, so you can stop thinking about your grandma playing baseball, or whatever it is you’ve been doing to try to avoid coming too soon.
So according to the data, rather than attempting a marathon jackhammer sesh, you should switch things up ! In that study, the more sex acts that a couple did, the more likely both of them were to orgasm, and the benefit of multiple sexual acts was even more significant for women than for men. The lesson here is you don’t need to be having sex longer; you need to be having sex better.
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Make sure you and your partner can talk about it. If you feel like you and your partner can’t even bring up the topic of sex, then it’s likely that you’re not ready for that phase of the relationship. Though you may think that sex can only happen naturally if you get carried away by the moment, it’s actually quite important for you to be able to comfortably talk to your partner about it before you move forward to make sure you’re on the same page.
You should feel comfortable saying something like, “I’m starting to feel ready to have sex with you. But before we do that, I just want to talk about a few things first. Is that okay?” If it seems unthinkable that you could do this with your partner, then you may be better off waiting.
You should talk to your partner about things like whether or not you’ll be sleeping with other people, what protection you’ll be using, and where your relationship stands.
Even if your relationship is more casual and you do have other sexual partners currently, it’s important to talk about this so your partner doesn’t feel blindsided.
Plus, sex may not need to be the end goal. Partners find different things meaningful; maybe you two will decide to focus on different kinds of sexual intimacy.
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Make sure you’re both in the same place emotionally. Another important aspect to consider before you have sex with your partner is whether or not you’re in the same place when it comes to your feelings. It may feel like a big emotional commitment to have sex for you, while your partner may not look at it that way, and vice versa. If having sex means that you’re really into your partner and want to take your relationship to a deeper level, then it’s important to be sure that he or she feels the same way before you move on.
Though it can be awkward to ask your partner where he or she stands when it comes to your relationship, this can help you get a better sense of the situation. Besides, it’s much less painful to hear that your partner doesn’t quite feel the same way you do before you have sex instead of learning the truth afterwards.
You don’t have to feel like you’re falling in love with your partner before you have sex, but if you do have strong feelings, then it’s important to know that your partner feels the same way. And if you don’t have strong feelings, then it’s also good to make sure your partner is aware of this so you don’t end up hurting him or her.
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Make sure you’re not doing it to speed up the commitment. Be honest with yourself. If you want to have sex with your partner because you think it will make him or her more likely to call you his or her boyfriend or girlfriend, then you should probably hold off. While sex is a wonderful component of many healthy serious relationships, you can’t think that having sex will be your ticket to having a stronger connection with your partner. Instead, your connection should already be strong, and you should naturally feel ready for sex because of that. [1]
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If you’re feeling insecure about the relationship, then ask yourself where this is coming from. If you feel like your partner just isn’t as serious about the relationship as you are, then sex isn’t the way to take things to the next level.
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Make sure you’re the only one (if that’s what you want). People have different rules and ideas when it comes to knowing it’s the right time to have sex. When people are casually dating, some of them are comfortable sleeping with multiple people at once—as long as they are staying as safe as they can. However, other people don’t want to have sex with someone if that person is also sleeping with other people; even if they aren’t at the boyfriend-girlfriend level, they don’t want to feel compromised. If you want to be the only person your partner is sleeping with, then your best is to ask your partner where you stand.
Again, though this may feel awkward, especially if you’re not quite boyfriend-girlfriend yet, asking this question bluntly can give you a better sense of the situation.
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Know that every relationship—and timeframe—is different. Some people have a set timeline when it comes to having sex with a new partner; some do it after four dates, some wait two months, or some have sex on the first night if they are really feeling it. Though you may be looking for a quick answer for when it’s right to have sex, you have to know that this depends on your individual preferences, as well as on how the relationship is going. There’s no “one size fits all” answer. [2]
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Some relationships move forward a lot faster than others. If you see your partner a lot and feel like you really click right away and truly get each other, then you’ll likely be ready to have sex more quickly than if you only go on dates every two weeks over the course of a few months.
Some relationships are also a lot more physical than others. If you and your partner get into some hot and heavy kissing and touching sessions early on, then you may be more ready for sex than you would be with a more slow-moving relationship.
As much as you may hate hearing it, a lot of the time, when you’re ready for sex, you just know. You feel a connection with your partner and really want to take it to the next level, and a formula or timeline won’t help you very much, most of the time.
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