Threesome Techniques
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Threesome Techniques
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For many of us, threesomes are the kind of sexploits that only happen in the movies. But they don’t have to be permanently relegated to the realm of fantasy. With a little forethought and planning, you can make a three-way tryst a very sexy reality. Here's how.
If you're a single woman, Morse suggests dating sites, like Plenty of Fish , where couples may be looking for a third. The same goes for CraigsList—although she warns that you might find lots of weirdos, so you'll want to FaceTime or, better yet, meet them in a public place in person first. Other sites like FetLife and 3nder are also worth checking out. Another option is to go to your local sex toy store and talk to someone there, says Morse. You can ask the owners or clerks about what goes on in the community and probably find some fliers for parties or clubs.
Keep in mind that whether it's two women and a man or two men and a woman is entirely up to you as an individual or as a couple, although female-female-male is more common because guys tend to be less open-minded about including another man. That being said, a woman should never cave in just because her partner is pushing his preference. "It should never be a quid pro quo," says Morse. "You should want to do it."
Watch men and women spill the honest truth about exactly what they think about cheating:
If that goes well, then you can think about making a more direct ask. "Keep it light, and keep it fun," says Morse. A simple, "Hey, my partner and I think you're fun and you're cool. We want to have a threesome, and we think you'd be a good time. Is that something you'd be open to?" should do the trick. If you know the person, make it clear that you don't want the friendship to change. If it's a stranger or someone you connected with online, take some time to get to know each other first. Hang out to see if you're attracted to the person and could trust them.
But don't worry too much about making the big ask. The person on the receiving end will be flattered, no matter what.
(And don’t think making a certain activity off-limits will make your threesome worse, says Morse. "It can be really thrilling to have a threesome without penetration.")
If you’re in a relationship, you and your partner may also want to designate a safe word or phrase you can use in case things veer off course. "I need to get some water" or "I'm thirsty" are both good options. You should also tell the third person to speak up if he or she is ever uncomfortable.
Massage is also a great gateway to intimacy. Emily & Tony massage candles turn into a luxurious oil when blown out. You can use them to give a relaxing body rub that will seamlessly set the mood.
As for good positions to try, Morse suggests the guy lie on his back and enjoy oral sex from one woman while the other woman straddles his face so he can perform oral on her. Or have one woman lie on her back as the other woman lies on top of her. Then, the guy can enter the woman on top doggy style while the women touch one another. Another option: Arrange yourselves in a circle, and go down on each other.
"There are so many places to put our hands, our genitals, our mouths,” says Morse. “If you have a free hand or tongue, just get in there.”
If it ever seems like one party is left out, reach over and start playing with that person. This will help them get back in on the action.
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Hannah writes about health, sex, and relationships for Cosmopolitan, and you can follow her on Twitter and Instagram .
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If you wait for someone else to break the ice, it might never happen.
Like literally most sex things, threesomes are something that are hot and steamy in your ~raunchy fantasies~, but have the potential to look and feel extremely awkward IRL. Whether you've had 18 threesomes or none at all (yet), things can get weird when there's more than one person in the room. Which makes sense! Think about how difficult it can be to order a pizza that three opinionated people can agree on, and now consider the fact that there are far more sexual scenarios than pizza toppings in this world. A nightmare!
Fortunately, sex educator Reid Mihalko (who claims to have had so many threesomes he "stopped counting 15 years ago") stopped by the 2017 Sexual Health Expo in Brooklyn to give some advice from his storied threesome-having experiences. Dressed in a tuxedo, Mihalko delivered his best tips for actually good and successful threesomes to room overflowing with people at SHE. Here are 11 takeaways from his packed lecture.
1. Try actually saying the words, "I want to have a threesome." Mihalko said a lot of threesomes never happen or are otherwise derailed because everyone is either too polite or too timid to actually voice the fact that they'd like to have a threesome. His advice is to talk and be honest and open with what you want, just like you would be in any relationship scenario, instead of dallying around and awkwardly suggesting the three of you just "hop in the hot tub or something!"
2. And then once you suggest something, actually DO that thing. Another thing that can derail a threesome before it ever gets started is that someone finally says, "I think we should do this," and then nobody moves. Mihalko said someone has to make the first move, so why not you?
3. Expect for there to be a bit of awkwardness, at least at the beginning. Yeah, you're in a situation where you're aiming to sexually please two other people, and hopefully get some pleasure out of it yourself. That's a lot of body parts and a lot of tentativeness! Mihalko said to just give it some time for everyone to hit their stride.
4. Be prepared to be the person who breaks the ice. Someone has to do it, and maybe (probably) that someone will be you. Mihalko actually had a good, tried-and-true tip for getting things moving when you hit the inevitable lull in the conversation, pre-threesome. If the three of you are in the room, say, "I have an idea!" and then suggest what you'd like someone to do to you. Mihalko said it's an icebreaker with psychological evidence to work — people are more likely to be receptive to concrete directions that involve giving, like, "I want you to kiss me while they watch."
5. Don't endlessly delay the threesome once you've agreed you want to have a threesome. Mihalko said he's literally been in a threesome situation where they ran out of wine, someone left to get more, and then guess what? The threesome never happened. Hitting a point where whatever activity you were doing has come to an end is a good sign, he advised, to start having the actual threesome. Putting it off and putting it off will probably only ensure it never happens.
6. Expand your definition of what a threesome can actually be. Mihalko referred to this as "adding crayons to your threesome crayon box." Or, in other words, have multiple nuanced ideas of what constitutes sex with two other people. He suggested trying things like getting in the shower and making out with each other. Not penetrative sex — but it is sexual, and it is three people.
7. Don't wait around for some magical, organic threesome situation to arise. You know how in porn or in ~raunchier~ movies, it always seems that three incredibly hot people suddenly find themselves in a secluded hot tub at night, and then all of a sudden they're all having sex with each other? Mihalko said this obviously doesn't really happen in real life, or maybe it does, but only to like celebs or something. Don't hesitate to put this puppy on the calendar. Talking about the threesome you want to have out loud won't ruin it, it'll only help ensure this thing you want to happen will actually happen.
8. If you feel weird or bad talking to someone about a threesome, you probably shouldn't have that threesome. So let's say you're in the planning stages of this threesome but feel very weird or frustrated talking about it, or the people you're planning with are jusT refusing to talk about it. Mihalko said he's been in this situation before, and it almost always means the entire ordeal is going to be a headache that should just be avoided. If you can't talk about sex with someone, how can you expect to be able to have sex with them?
9. Under no circumstances should you have expectations for this thing to look the way it does in porn. When Mihalko made this point, someone near me in the back row of the conference room actually yelled out, "oh HELL no!" So maybe commit this one to memory: IRL threesomes are not going to look like porn threesomes. Things are gonna get a little weird, strange sounds might happen, but whatever! You're not on a porn set — this is real human sex. Embrace it and just maybe don't tape yourselves.
10. Have a fun threesome gimmick on hand for if/when things get weird or stale. Feel free to borrow Mihalko's, which is literally to just yell, "SWITCH" in the middle of things so that everyone has to change partners right away. Sounds silly but this is a pretty good tactic for keeping things fresh and fun.
11. Take your own threesome desires seriously. Which is just a nicer way of saying, if a threesome is something you really want to happen, think hard about being in a monogamous relationship with someone who doesn't want to have threesomes. Your sexuality and sexual wants aren't frivolous! We date equally open-minded people when it comes to things like politics and social issues, so why not do the same for sex?
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Gabrielle Smith is a Brooklyn based writer whose work focuses on topics like sex/love, ethical non-monogamy, mental illness, race, and identity.
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"Honestly, threesomes for me have been about getting to enjoy another woman with the woman I love."
If you’re wondering if a threesome is for you, you’re certainly not alone. Group sex is the most common sexual fantasy among Americans, according to a study conducted by Justin Lehmiller Ph.D., Men's Health advisory board member and research fellow at the Kinsey Institute. Men especially fantasize about sex involving multiple people.
Studies show that about 10% of women and 18% of men report having participated in a threesome. If you’re looking to add yourself to that lucky group of individuals who get to make their fantasies a reality, here are some things to consider. We polled sex experts and regular people who've had a three-way on every aspect of how to have a threesome.
“Honestly, threesomes for me have been about getting to enjoy another woman with the woman I love. It’s the experience with my partner that I enjoy the most. On a side note, the opportunity to be inside multiple women in the same night is an ego boost. Just keeping it real.” –Rafa, 34, San Diego
“I think there’s something special about intimacy with multiple people at the same time. I don’t even think it’s about fantasy fulfillment, it’s more just getting the opportunity to enjoy loving two people like that at once.” —Spencer*, 21, Quebec
“You can get really creative in group sex situations thinking of new positions to try, taking turns to focus on one person, etc. I like that the sex doesn’t stop even if one person taps out briefly to have a drink of water or just sit and watch the other two. It’s a constant dynamic process that you just don’t get in 1-1 sex.” –L*, 22, UK
There are so many ways to pursue and have a threesome, so you’re going to have to really think about what you want. Here are some questions to think about:
Do you want to join an existing couple, have someone join a romp with you and your partner, or are we looking to recruit a few free agents? These factors are going to determine how you search for a threesome.
What are your combined sexualities? Who will be interacting with whom, and what kind of activities are on the table? Some folks like to have threesomes without kissing, or take the idea of penetration off the table. Some men want to have a “ devil’s threesome ,” which is a threesome involving two men who do not have sexual interaction with each other. Others want a fully bisexual threesome.
Consider potential locations, sleeping arrangements and the duration of the experience before you jump into it. If you’re partnered and you’d rather not have the person joining you stay, kindly make that clear. If you’re open to that opportunity, make sure there’s plenty of space in your bed for three.
“It helps to find a community and friends with similar opinions towards sex and relationships. We found kink communities, LGBTQ communities that provided opportunities to organize a threesome. Dating web sites can work but it’s not cool to be a unicorn hunter.” –Rafa, 34, San Diego
“My primary partner and I looked at each others’ Tinder matches and messaged the people we were both drawn to (and who seemed like they might be open to it!) asking if they’d be interested in a threesome. If the answer was yes, we’d chat a little about boundaries, likes, dislikes, etc., and then if things still felt good thereafter, we’d meet up.” —Gabe, 30, Cape Town
“I would suggest that other people interested in threesomes should start with their partners and talk to them about what possibilities they’re open to. If you’re on your own I suppose the apps ( like Feeld and OKC ) and online communities are other places to look. Most of the sex positive people I’ve met and have interacted with were found using these methods.” —Daniel L., 40, Queens
Unicorn hunting is when a heterosexual couple seeks a bisexual woman to join them for a threesome. It’s not inherently wrong to look for a bisexual woman to have a threesome with. However, unicorn hunters have a bad reputation because they often treat the woman joining them as a transaction, as opposed to a human being.
Unicorn hunters also tend to use predatory and deceptive tactics in order to lure bisexual women into their bedrooms. They often will enter queer-designated spaces by solely using the women’s profile on dating apps, or even present as a single woman, only to reveal the intended arrangement AFTER a rapport has been struck up. This leaves bisexual women feeling hurt and misled.
“If all you’re interested in is getting a third for you and your wife with no real emotional connection I would recommend hiring a professional sex worker,” says Daniel L. from Queens. It’s totally valid to hire a sex worker if you want to call the shots! That way you can create the exact experience you want and not worry about the emotional attachment.
Communicate, communicate, communicate. Jealousy during a threesome with a partner is common for folks in monogamous relationships. Studies literally show that communicating or creating rules that benefit you and your partner can amplify feelings of comfort . If you struggle with communication, you may want to hold off on having a threesome until you further develop this skill.
“Start off threesomes with sharing each person’s desires, fears, and boundaries," says sexuality educator Cory Bush, CD . "Each person (regardless if they’re partnered) should share their own.” This is a great way to air out any potential roadblocks, and determine what you may want to look out for concerning any potential triggers or uncomfortable feelings.
Defining your boundaries beforehand is always recommended.
“[Don’t] worry about erections. Penises often fail to stay erect in group situations and that is totally normal, especially if you’re new to it. I promise no one will care. It’s so much more exciting finding creative ways to pleasure people without a focus on penetration.” – L*, 22, UK
“I think if you’re wanting a threesome because it’s a particular fantasy for you, just adjust your expectations a little? They can be a little stilted and awkward at first and it can take a couple tries to get it to live up to what you’re picturing.”—Spencer, 21, Quebec
“I think if someone is extremely eager to get down and dirty but dismissive when it comes to all the prep work (setting boundaries, managing expectations, etc.), that person may not have your best interests at heart.” –Gabe, 30, Cape Town
“When it’s about finding someone to rekindle the attraction you have to your partner. That’s a different problem that needs inner work and communication and therapy.” —Evans, 29, Ghana
“The largest thing I look for is that both parties are both excited—even if they show it in different ways. My biggest concern is that in the couple, one partner is the leader and the othe
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