Threesome Relationships

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Threesome Relationships
Having a Threesome in a Relationship


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How Having A Threesome For The First Time Can Impact Your Relationship




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From my limited understanding of them, threesomes can either make you feel like a baller or like total shit. They can result from drunken nights, sleepovers, and even from calculated conversations. For some couples, they are an exciting and new way to explore a new sexual frontier; for others a threesome can represent a last-ditch effort to reignite a spark.
 
I had my first foursome in college. I was with my best friend at the time and another couple. We drank a large amount of wine, we laughed for what felt like hours. We cuddled, we kissed; it felt very safe. The following morning there was no awkward conversation about what it “meant for us.”
We all high-fived and continued to hang out like we hadn’t all just seen each other very naked and vulnerable. I felt a closeness to all of them that I hadn't before; it was the first time in a long while that I understood that sex could equal a connection with another, not just a kick-ass orgasm.
From that moment, I’ve been a big proponent of group sex. Everyone has fun, right? Well, I thought so, but being the journalist that I am, I needed to get to the bottom of group f*cking. I asked 10 different people whether they thought threesomes brought them and their significant other closer together, or farther apart:
“The first time I begged my girlfriend for a threesome she agreed and halfway through the ‘act’ or whatever, she started to cry and ran out of the room. She broke up with me a few weeks later because she said she could tell ‘I wanted to be free’ even though I really didn’t.”
“The first threesome I had was with my boyfriend and his best friend and we were all wasted. We never brought it up again, but I noticed that my boyfriend and his best friend stopped drinking around the house as often.”
“It actually worked out so well for my girlfriend and I. She was bisexual and wanted to explore that. Obviously I wanted her to be happy so we gave it a shot and it is actually how we’ve stayed together for five years and met some really, really cool people.”
“Maybe gay men live by different sets of rules, but my partner and I became extremely close when we began bringing in other people into the bedroom. It was like ‘we’re both young and hot, let's not waste it!’ We began to realize that just because you were sleeping with someone, doesn’t mean you love them. I could f*ck someone else but still not want to spoon them while falling asleep. We learned to separate carnal urges from the very special connection the two of us shared.”
“I was very upset after my first threesome. I couldn’t stop comparing the way my partner was acting with the guest to how he would act with me when we were alone. I clearly was not ready for something like that, but thought I would be because porn always made it look like so much fun.”
“For me, sex is all about the spiritual connection. I’ve tried threesomes but they’ve only made me feel distant from my partner. You’re too worried about if everyone is having fun equally to really connect.”
“God, never again. I had one with my boyfriend and another girl and afterwards she wouldn’t stop texting him/us to do it again. I’m sure they’re great if you set very very clear boundaries, but sometimes it is impossible to have sex void of feelings.”
“Threesomes in relationships do not work. My girlfriend became convinced that I was seeing other people outside of our group sex and it eventually led us to break up.”
“I love them and would recommend them to everyone! My sex life with my long-term girlfriend was getting a bit repetitive and we both had a very adult discussion about expectations and rules. Once we started having them, it was as if we had just met all over again. When you’re able to share your lust and secret desires with another person in that way you can’t help but feel closer to them. I’d say I try and have a threesome once a month now just to keep things between us fresh and fun.”
“I've had them before…all I can say is always be the guest star and never the one who has to deal with the potential fallout. I’ve been on both sides of the equation and one is definitely better than the other.”






InStyle is part of the Dotdash Meredith publishing family.


Dr. Jenn Mann is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the relationship expert behind InStyle's long-running weekly column, Hump Day. She is best known for her hit VH1 show, "Couples Therapy with Dr. Jenn," and her popular call-in advice Sirius XM radio show, "The Dr. Jenn Show." She is a bestselling author, most recently of The Relationship Fix .

My boyfriend suggested a threesome with a third woman. I've always been curious, so I'm game. But I'm also nervous about hurting our relationship if things go awry. How can we prepare for — and avoid — that? —XXX


Threesomes are an extremely common fantasy (if not the most common), especially for men, and more and more women are feeling the pull, too. However, despite this desire, according to a 2017 study, only 10% of women and 18% of men have engaged in a threesome.


If you fall into the group that has always thought about a threesome but has yet to turn the fantasy into a reality, read on for my essential rules for having a successful first threesome.


I need to state a disclaimer: I generally don't recommend threesomes for couples in committed relationships. I'm all for them for people in casual, non-committed relationships, or situationships . But as a relationship therapist, I care most about the long-term impact on the couple dynamic, which leaves me with several concerns.


First, if the threesome idea was sparked by boredom in the bedroom, bringing a new person into the mix disincentives you from putting energy and creativity into your sex life with your partner. You're no longer working to up your game and figure out new fantasies to explore, techniques to try, and preferences your partner may have that you haven't yet probed. While a threesome may be exciting initially, it does not solve the longer-term issue of how to keep things fresh and become a better lover.


I have also seen way too many jealousy issues arise and emotional bonds form as a result of what was supposed to be "meaningless" sex. Sometimes, people who have a hard time with emotional intimacy find it hard to maintain sexual interest in their long-term partner; for them, opening the relationship to other people is an ineffective Band-Air and can stunt personal growth.


When it comes to picking a third, many couples gravitate to someone they know. This is a huge mistake. Inviting someone into the bedroom who one or both of you already have an emotional bond with makes it more likely that someone will have feelings or someone will get their feelings hurt.


Picking up strangers at bars can also be tricky. Fortunately, there are many apps, like Thrinder and Feeld , designed specifically to help you out. Once you both agree on a potential partner, I recommend meeting her for an IRL "date" before inviting her straight to bed, so you can make sure they are true to their photo, test the chemistry, and see how it feels to take the next step.


With that said, now more than ever, it's important to consider safety when it comes to who you are bringing into your bed...


Early on in the pandemic, health experts and local governments recommended limiting close contact — including sex — with anyone outside your household. Things may be more relaxed now, but with Delta breakthrough infections turning up at every corner, it's still important to talk about Covid-19 risk factors beforehand.


If you do feel comfortable moving forward, there are other safety measures to consider. First up: Birth control. You should talk about birth control with your partner and your guest star before the big event. Make sure that if your boyfriend is wearing a condom he does not double-dip. Check that everyone involved has a clean bill of health and establish in advance with your partner whether there will be any exchanging of bodily fluids. Limiting drugs and alcohol prevent things from getting out of control and makes it easier for everyone to keep their agreements.


Some couples make a no penetration rule. Others embrace a watch-but-don't-touch philosophy. For other couples, it's about limiting intimacy during the threesome experience and focusing solely on sex, aka no kissing or cuddling.


However you feel, it's important to go over every possible sexual scenario together and talk about what is off-limits and what is acceptable. Just because you are all getting naked together does not mean that it is a no holds barred sexual experience. Physical rules should be established upfront in order for this to be an emotionally safe experience.


Communication is key when bringing a third party into the mix. You both must be skilled in talking about delicate topics, and be willing to share any concerns or fears in advance. Find out what your boyfriend's expectations of the event are and share yours. If during this conversation you discover that one of you isn't fully on board or enthusiastic about the idea, it's best not to move forward. A threesome should never be about doing something solely for your partner's pleasure or 'taking one for the team'.


The moment one person becomes uncomfortable, they should have the right to end the threesome, no questions asked. One way to do this is by creating a safety word with your boyfriend. This is something that either of you can say that indicates that you're no longer feeling comfortable with the situation. Discuss in advance that this may be a real possibility that neither partner can roll their eyes at.


It can also be helpful to discuss who will lead in this sexual dance that you will be doing. Who's going to be the person to initiate physical activity with your new partner? Who is going to politely end things if that's what it comes to? It may seem un-sexy, but talking all of these logistics through in advance can make sure things go smoothly once you bring in a third person.


Ahead of time, set explicit boundaries about staying in contact before, during, and after the threesome. Is it OK for you or your boyfriend to text the other woman without their partner knowing? How do you want to handle things after the event is over? Is she invited to spend the night? Are you having breakfast together in the morning? Are you hoping to escort her out ASAP? Most couples find it helpful to say a kind goodbye to the third party relatively quickly and find time to connect with one another.


It's also important to be clear on whether or not this is a one-time thing or if either of you is hoping to have this be a regular activity and, if so, with the same person every time. Stay true to these commitments. All too often people get slippery about the agreements they make, develop bonds with the non-primary partner, become jealous, or hurt each other's feelings.


While all of these tips are about protecting your relationship with your partner, be sure to discuss expectations, boundaries, and protocol with the newcomer, too. They also have the right to bow out if they feel uncomfortable at any point. You all need to be on the same page in order for everyone to feel respected and have a good time.


In Hump Day, award-winning psychotherapist and TV host Dr. Jenn Mann answers your sex and relationship questions — unjudged and unfiltered.




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By Guest | 91 posts, last post a month ago

Kate Smith
answered this
How To Resolve Fights About Sex (Without Ruining Your Relationship)


Hi. I would like to know your opinion about threesomes. What are their effects on relationships? IS it GOOD or BAD?



I tried it once, the W-M-W version, and I could say that it was great. Who am I kidding, it rocked! I did it with my girlfriend and another girl, her friend. And what happened? Whenever I would see her, all I can remember was her vagina stuck in my mouth. So I cheated my girlfriend and ruined a good relationship. I am an id**t.


This was one of the worst things that you can do. We have been married for 30 + years and my husband and I did this and I have become the forgotten one! AND THAT WAS NOT SUPPOSE TO HAPPEN!

My husband can not give both woman the same amount of attention - actually he blows me off a tad bit more cause of her being "new" BS!!!! If anyone should get more attention it should be me as his wife and allowing for this to happen.

Because of all that has taken place over this "threesome" I WOULD NOT tell anyone to go for it! In fact I wish it never happened!

Our marriage because of my jealousy - insecurities - loneliness - low self esteem - whatever has really gone down to the pits!!!

DON'T DO IT!!

I have to say DO NOT DO IT!

I have been married 30 + yrs and I can honestly say it has damaged our marriage. I did think at first that it could be a good thing bring some excitement into our marriage not that we really needed it but couldn't hurt but my husband has no idea how to please 2 women and focus on both women and becasue of that I am the one that got left out.

I guess you can say it was because of me being jealous, left out, low self esteem, insecurities, whatever the reasons might be its messed up.

My advise is DO NOT LET IT HAPPEN.

Well my wife and I have been together for 11yrs about 6yrs ago we found our diamond in the rough, a lady would desired the same out of a marriage as my wife, which was to have a husband and a wife. Now we had been swingers so this idea was not that farther up the tree for us. Now people who know my situation would say I was the man, in the begin I feel like I was, but that was short live very fast. And kids added to the complexity of this already complex arrangement. Threesome are truly mad blowing, that event I will not tell anyone not to try. It is a great experience now living under one roof that is very tricky. Unless you have a great deal of money don't think of doing a threesome relationship, union, or whatever term you decide to call it under one roof if you have kids it will turn into a competition about the kids. I would recommend only doing some like that if no kids are involved. Now my situation changes from week to week, from under one roof to separate households and back again. Emotional issues do surface, and when the relationship transition to under separate roofs jealousy will occur. And if it is WMW the Man loses when the women fall out, because you can not have one without the other and that is the truth. Update, today I am in love with two women my wife and other wife (not on paper) but they are struggling with there relationship. The other wife does not have a sexual attraction to the wife any more due to a laundry list of emotional issues, but the other wife has her own issues as well. With all of that I love and accept all the hang up they both bring to the relationship, but today I stand to lose them both because of their struggles. So if you want to try it I would really discuss it will your partners before hand. Good luck.

I am married to my third wife and think we are a loving relationship. My second wife and I had a few threesomes and enjoyed it. We're divorced of course, but this wasn't the problem are on good terms. My current wife and I have been having problems in the recent past due to me staying out too late sometimes, her school now new job, money, kids etc.

One night me, my wife and her friend were drinking and her friend began giving her a back message. They were flirting and told them they could go to our bedroom to get proper message. I of course spied on them a few times and eventually saw my wife acting on a fantasy I had no clue about. Later when they came out I confessed that I saw them. My wife was worried I would be upset, but I told her I understood and hoped that she still loved me. She swore that she did and doesn't want to lose me. We later returned to the bedroom, where me and her friend gave her most of the attention. I've never seen a woman so aroused! Later, they said they would like to continue it once a month.

I said I was fine with that as long as I'm either there or know about it. I haven't touched the other girl and don't plan on it. My wife and I are now doing better than every before with our relationship. We had a great sex life before though. I do have the usual worries and thoughts though- Will she decide that she wants her more than me later? Will we just get bored with it and move on? etc. I know how easy for these situations can break a marriage, but it may have actually saved ours. I do love her very, very much and don't want to lose her.

I wonder how many people with similar situations has turned out well over time?

I have been married very happily for 5 years and the other night we brought home a girl from a club and tried a threesome. It was actually my wife's idea; I am much too shy to initiate something like that. Well it was awesome! My wife was very much turned on by the sight of me having sex with someone else, and I was very turned on too. She played with the girl too and really enjoyed it. My wife and I are now "hyper-sexual" with each other. It is not for everyone, and I do not have any feelings for the girl. I see her more as a "sex toy" than anything else. It is most important to put my wife first, it is not worth the thrill if she feels uncomfortable in any way.

I am a girl and me n my ex-gf decided that we would like to have a threesome, so we asked some friends, and i do me means friends because the threesome turned into an orgy with 3 other chicks. It was interesting and very fun, but all in all it didnt screw up our relationship, it actually made it somewhat stronger.

My wife and I have been having problem for a while with arguing, appreciation issues, and the way we speak to and treat each other (repectfulness wise) but last night my wife and I were entertaining a friend of hers and it started to get late and I had to work the next day so I headed to bed, but the girls stayed awake. Later I woke up to go the bathroom and just before i got to the rest room door i heard the shower going and heard both of them in it ( didn't really think into it, they are close) but a few seconds later i heard moaning ( my interest peaked) but i just use the other br and went back to the bedroom to think it through, while doing so they came out and i layed back down (so they didn't think anything) and they went back to the living room and continued, so i went in and they stopped, i guess hoppingi didn't see but i made clear i did by kinda joking with them about it ( they knew they were caught) so as im walking back to the room my wife stopped me and asked if i want to have threesome, of course i said yes
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