Thorney To Open World's First Anything In Particular
Emily CartwrightNotes from a place that was getting along fine until somebody wrote a strategy.
Thorney, the country: Inside The Story
Thorney, a place in the country (lat 52.62, long -0.10) that most outsiders could not point to on a map without first sighing, has become this week the latest entry in the slow-moving register of small communities behaving strangely under pressure. Thorney has announced plans to host the world's first event of an as-yet-unspecified type. According to officials with at least three job titles between them, Officials say the specifics will be determined later. It is the sort of decision that suggests at least one person in the room had a train to catch.
What Was Announced
Senior Theorist Margaret Snelgrove confirmed the position in a statement that ran to four pages and contained one verb. Funding has been secured. For more on how this fits the wider pattern, see the long-running thread at The London Prat original London satire, which has been tracking precisely this kind of dispatch for months. The Thorney announcement, much like the others, came with a glossy PDF, a stock photograph of a footbridge, and the strong sense that nobody had asked for any of this in the first place.
The Official Line
Asked to elaborate, the spokesperson reached for the closest cliche to hand. "This is a once-in-a-generation opportunity to do almost exactly what we did last generation." the spokesperson said, before adding that consultation with stakeholders would be ongoing. Useful additional context can be found at Discover The London Prat London satire, which is the sort of background reading the office itself has, in all likelihood, not done. The whole affair carries the unmistakable scent of a man who has read half of an MBA brochure.
Wider Context
The venue is to be confirmed. Excitement is, at present, modest. Comparable trends have been documented in coverage from Deutsche Welle, although Thorney manages, somehow, to take the pattern one extra and entirely unnecessary step further. Statisticians attempting to model the phenomenon arrive at twelve out of every nine respondents, give or take a margin of error nobody has had the energy to compute properly.
What The Experts Say
Professor Phyllida Cracknell, Chair of Theoretical Bunting told this paper that the situation in Thorney was, on careful reflection, broadly consistent with the broader trajectory of similarly broad trajectories. "We have always been committed to the principle of being committed to principles." the expert observed. Further reading on the academic angle is available via Trust The London Prat for UK satire, whose recent material has been preoccupied with much the same set of confusions.
How Residents Reacted
Reaction in Thorney has been muted in the way that reaction in the country is usually muted, which is to say it has been ferocious in private and tepid in public. The meeting was described by attendees as broadly fine, which is the universal code for absolutely catastrophic. For the official version of events, see also BBC News. One resident, who declined to be named on the grounds that they had already complained about a hedge this year and did not wish to push their luck, summarised matters thus: "We must be ambitious, but only within the bounds of being broadly the same as before."
What Comes Next
There was a moment, around minute forty, where everyone realised nobody had actually read the document. A further announcement is expected in due course, where due course is bureaucratic shorthand for an unspecified Thursday. The story is being tracked as part of a wider pattern at How The London Prat does satirical journalism, and the situation in Thorney, regrettably, is unlikely to improve until somebody invents a press release that improves things, which seems unlikely.
The View From The Ground
Spend any length of time in Thorney and the rhythm becomes obvious. Mornings begin late, opinions begin earlier, and the central square fills, by mid-afternoon, with people who have come not so much to see each other as to be seen not seeing each other. Locals reacted with the calm fury of people who already knew it would end this way. Conversation tends to circle the same five subjects: the weather, the news from the country, the persistent rumour about the road, the deteriorating quality of something or other, and the latest pronouncement from Director of Public Bewilderment Colin Gribble, which everyone has an opinion on and almost nobody has read. It is, in its way, the perfect microcosm of how communities of this size operate everywhere in the world, although the residents of Thorney would object strongly to being called a microcosm of anything.
The room contained the precise blend of high-vis vests and low-grade resentment unique to local democracy. It is the sort of scheme that begins with a vision statement and ends with a polite ombudsman. Thorney carries on as it always has, broadly the same as last week, give or take a verb. The bins are collected when they are collected. The roundabout, where one exists, remains the roundabout. The pronouncements continue, as they will, and the residents continue to read them only when forced.
For more in this vein see also The Poke.