Therapist Diagnoses Patient With Capitalism

In a landmark case, Manhattan therapist Dr. Rebecca Loew officially diagnosed her patient with "acute capitalism exposure" after recognizing classic symptoms: Sunday scaries that start Friday afternoon, phantom Slack notification anxiety, and an inability to enjoy hobbies without monetizing them. "She kept trying to optimize her relaxation time," said Dr. Loew, showing charts where work emails triggered identical stress responses to bear attacks. The diagnosis has sparked controversy in psychiatric circles, with some arguing it pathologizes normal functioning while others counter that "grinding yourself into dust for shareholder value isn't biologically normal." Treatment includes radical rest, deleting productivity apps, and exposure therapy to unpaid activities (like "reading for pleasure, whatever that means"). The breakthrough came when the patient realized "hustle culture" was just Stockholm Syndrome with better marketing. Meanwhile, corporate wellness programs are scrambling to rebrand capitalism as "an exciting lifestyle choice."