Their Orgasm

Their Orgasm

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Ashley Mateo has over a decade's worth of experience covering fitness, health, travel, and more for publications including the WSJ, Men's Journal, Women's Health, and more.

It's a no-brainer that the female orgasm is still a mystery to many men. (Should we provide them with a map to the clitoris, perhaps?) But it's not a stretch to say that many women could also use more education when it comes to reaching climax, whether solo or with a partner.

After all, orgasms may not be biologically necessary; unlike men, women can conceive a baby without one. But they are pretty damn important when it comes to healthy sex life. And as with most areas of sexual health, the more info you have, the more empowered you are to get what you want—and need—when it comes to crazy pleasure. With this in mind, read up on these 10 mind-blowing facts about what's happening when you're getting your mind blown in bed.

Okay, so no one's ever actually counted. But doctors estimate that between 6,000 and 8,000 nerve endings exist in the clitoris, says Lauren Streicher, MD, associate clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Northwestern University and author of Sex Rx : Hormones, Health, and Your Best Sex Ever . "What you see is just the tip of the iceberg," says Dr. Streicher. "[The clitoris is] basically a horseshoe kind of configuration around the upper part of the vaginal opening."

Considering how many nerves this pleasure spot has, it makes sense that women are way more likely to orgasm from clitoral stimulation. One recent study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy found that only 18% of women orgasm from penetration alone. "That number may be as low as 10%, or at best 25% to 30%," says Dr. Streicher. "The bottom line is that the majority of women do not have an orgasm from penetration and need clitoral stimulation."

A study of 800 female college graduates found that approximately 43% reported having had multiple orgasms. So what exactly are multiple orgasms? "Some women experience long, cascading orgasms, where you continue to have strong rhythmic pelvic contractions for a long time," says Dr. Streicher. "And then there are orgasms where you have that over-satisfied sensation which stops and then, with more stimulation, starts again."

But if you're a one-and-done kind of woman, don't stress about it. "There are plenty of women who, after they have one nice big orgasm, feel a real sense of fulfillment and satisfaction and they're done. And that's totally normal," says Dr. Streicher.

There's really no right amount of time for your orgasm to last. In fact, researchers used to think that 3 to 15 seconds was about the duration of a female orgasm. Then they found evidence that a climax could go on for 20 seconds to 2 minutes. The journal Ceskoslovenska Psychiatrie published data showing that 40% of women estimated the duration of their orgasm to be 30 to 60 seconds or even longer, and 48% of women experienced predominantly long orgasms.

The takeaway: "Some people have very short orgasms, while others can last longer," says Dr. Streicher. "There's a wide variety of normal."

It's kind of a stereotype, but there's science behind it. Way back in the 1960s, sex researchers William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson (the inspiration for Showtime's Masters of Sex ) found that it took women about 10 to 20 minutes of sex play to reach orgasm, compared to just four minutes for men. "There's a wide range," says Dr. Streicher. "We know that this has to do with how aroused someone is advance, and how intense the stimulation is."

Why women tend to need more arousal and varying types of stimulation isn't clear. But it's a good argument for finding a sex-positive partner who won't rush things and will make sure you cross that finish line when your brain and body are ready.

Suffer from headaches? Try getting it on. Sixty percent of migraine sufferers experienced moderate or complete relief after an orgasm, according to research published by the International Headache Society.

But there are headaches that are actually caused by orgasms. "The first is bothersome but not dangerous—it's just a general headache-y feeling that people can get during sexual activity," says Dr. Streicher. "But then there's the person who, at the exact same time that they have an orgasm, will have a very painful explosive headache simultaneous with orgasm."

If that's the case, you want to get to your doctor ASAP. She says that this kind of pain has a high correlation to subarachnoid hemorrhage, a type of stroke caused by a burst blood vessel in the brain. Yikes.

Feel like you can't think straight when you have an orgasm? You're not exactly wrong. "An orgasm mediates other neurotransmitters that impact other functions," says Dr. Streicher. In fact, research at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands showed that orgasms deactivate the area in your brain that processes fear, as well as the parts that regulate your "vigilance for danger."

They also found that your self-control and "moral reasoning" decreases in the moment of that big O. "When scientists do active MRIs during orgasm, they can see where there's heightened activity and where there's decreased activity—that's certainly very real," says Dr. Streicher.

In the same way having an orgasm changes your brain, it can also crank up your pain tolerance. In one study , women's pain threshold during orgasm increased by 75%, and their pain detection threshold increased by 107%. Not surprisingly, this tolerance to pain has to do with feel-good endorphins and oxytocin (a bonding hormone) that are released when you orgasm. The effect will last about 10 to 20 minutes. On the other hand, men's brains don't release oxytocin when they orgasm. They experience a boost in pleasure, yet they don't reap the pain-killing benefits.

Your DNA could be responsible for at least a third—and maybe even 60%—of your ability to reach the big O, according to research published in the journal Biology Letters . It's not exactly the kind of topic you want to bring up with mom, so it's hard to determine exactly what role DNA plays. But it could be anatomical, says Dr. Streicher.

"If you look at the ability to orgasm during intercourse, we know that it correlates with the distance between the clitoris and the urethra: If your clitoris is less than 2.5 centimeters from the urethra, it's more likely that you will orgasm during intercourse. And that's simply because of clitoral stimulation based on anatomy."

Recent research puts the number of women who experience female ejaculation at around 54%. But that same research found that up to 66% of women experience coital incontinence, or excreting urine at orgasm. And it's hard to tell the difference between ejaculate and urine, says Dr. Streicher.

"With female ejaculation, what we're generally talking about is an emission of fluid from the Skene's glands, which are little glands on the side of the urethra," she explains. "Some women do lose urine when they orgasm, but it's very diluted so it doesn't smell like urine. So it's not so obvious what's happening."

Either way, it's just what your body does. "One of the questions that comes up all the time with my patients is whether there's a way to make it stop," says Dr. Streicher. "If it's ejaculate, no. If it's urine, there are opportunities to try and decrease or eliminate incontinence. But I get a surprising number of women who tell me they want to ejaculate. How can they make that happen? I have no idea."

Let's look at the stats. Ninety-five percent of heterosexual men reported that they usually or always orgasm during a sexual encounter, while only 65% of heterosexual women said the same thing, according to a recent study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior.

"You have to keep in mind the biological purpose of sex: to reproduce. A female orgasm is not required in order to conceive," says Dr. Streicher. "But I always say the reason the clitoris is located where it is so that women can self-stimulate during intercourse to orgasm."

Interesting, women in same-sex relationships are more likely to orgasm: 86% said they usually or always reached climax when sexually intimate. "The reason why is kind of obvious," says Dr. Streicher. "They're not depending on intercourse to reproduce, and certainly a woman in a same-sex relationship is far more likely to know where her partner's clitoris is and what to do with it than most men. That's just the reality."

9 People With Vaginas on Their Favorite Ways to Orgasm
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Ryan Segedi. Prop styling by JoJo Li.
Gigi Engle is a feminist writer, certified sex coach, and sex educator. As a sex educator with the Alexander Institute and Pleasure Professional with O.School, she teaches a variety of classes centered around pleasure, sexual health, and confidence. Gigi's work regularly appears in many publications including Brides, Marie Claire, ... Read more
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From eating ice cream cones to packing suitcases, people have interesting tricks for getting things done in their own unique ways. Despite what many cookie-cutter movie scenes may tell us, the same is true when it comes to our sex lives. As a certified sex educator and coach , I’ve found that the list of things people with vulvas enjoy during sex is varied and endless. I’ve also learned that many of these same people have pretty unique tried-and-true ways to orgasm.
But I also hear from a lot of people—especially people with vaginas —who have a hard time orgasming with a partner or even alone. That can be frustrating and isolating, and we don't talk about it enough. Part of that stigma and struggle might come from thinking you have to orgasm in one certain way, which is totally not the case. There are lots of different things that might be able to make you orgasm—you just have to find what works for you. So, here we talked to people who really have it figured out to learn the one thing that always makes them come. But, remember, if something works for one person and doesn't work for you, that in no way means you're broken or weird. It just means you're not them. Think of this list as some orgasm inspiration or some new tricks to try. And if none of this works for you, just remember that this is showing you a tiny slice of the ways-to-orgasm pie, and it’s perfectly OK if none of this is your jam. And hey, it's also OK if chasing the elusive orgasm isn't your thing at all. There are plenty of people who find immense pleasure in sex even if they rarely (or never) orgasm.
FYI, people responded in their own words, so the language below might be considered explicit by some (and is probably considered NSFW by most).
“My most surefire way to orgasm is the one it all began with: my original masturbation technique when I was a preteen. I lie face down and grind my knuckles into my vulva, moving my legs like I’m making a snow angel. I love the pressure and involving my thighs and quads before I orgasm. Though I can come in different ways, this one is always the fastest.” —Lola J., 30
“I almost always come if I'm riding my partner on top and they're perched up just a bit to kiss me while I massage my clit against their pelvis. And then if they spank me and grab my ass to spread me open while I'm riding them, I'm done. Every damn time.” —Annie J.*, 25
“When I’m with my partner, I experience my strongest orgasms when I’m in doggy style position and have a wand vibrator on my clitoris or vulva. The vibrations supercharge my orgasms. When I’m flying solo, my go-to scenario includes a vibe on my clit and dildo for penetration. Oh, and I do enjoy adding ethical porn into the mix. I get really turned on when I see someone else authentically experiencing pleasure.” —Alicia S., 39
“When a partner enjoys eating pussy, it is my most favorite thing. They really get in there! I like it when they lick my asshole to my vagina and back, pause right in between, shake their head aggressively, and make some noise, almost like they’re drowning. I feel empowered and dominant during those times.” —Kella M., 29
“When I'm by myself, I usually use one of three techniques. One is just to rub my clitoral hood in counterclockwise circles with my right hand. The other is to do this while putting my left middle and ring fingers inside my vagina, pressing them upward, and keeping them still. (This technique is good if I'm in a rush because that extra hand sends me over the edge quickly!) The last is to put my right middle finger inside my vagina while I rub my clitoral hood back and forth with my thumb. Rarely, I will pull back the hood and touch my clitoris directly and very gently in a sort of up-and-down motion.
I'll usually do this while watching porn of blowjobs, handjobs, or male masturbation. Even though (or maybe because?) I'm all about women's sexual empowerment in real life, the partnered scenes that get me off most easily are those that convey a sense of the man's pleasure being paramount.” —Suzannah W., 28
“I am multi-orgasmic and enjoy getting off in a variety of ways, including having my breasts sucked and using my vibrator. But my absolute deepest orgasms are achieved with repeated long, deep thrusts from a very thick penis in the doggy style position. It rocks every part of me.” — Krys G ., 35
“I fantasize about taking basic encounters with men I meet way, way further. Sometimes, the seed of one of those fantasies will plant itself in my mind when I’m with them, and I can feel myself start to get wet. As soon as I can manage to get some time alone with my Doxy vibrator, I really grind myself on it, thinking about how much I want to get off for the man in question and just make him feel amazing. I use my fingers to squeeze my nipples and think about submitting to him, giving every bit of myself to him—and then I orgasm as much as I can until I’m exhausted.” —Holly K., 30
“My nipples are a huge hot spot for me. I can come just from someone playing with them, so I really enjoy my partner licking and sucking them, but nothing gets me off better than a vibrator on my nipples. My partner will turn my Magic Wand up to full blast and gently touch my nipples with it, then pull away. She’s in control, so I just lie there and allow her to do whatever she wants. I orgasm pretty quickly from this. It’s super hot for both of us.” —Jasmine N.*, 29
“When my partner places a blindfold over my eyes, ties my wrists together, and whispers in my ear every way he’s going to use my body, I can orgasm before he even touches me.” —Sunny R., 52
Quotes have been edited and condensed for clarity. All products featured on SELF are independently selected by our editors. If you buy something through our retail links, we may earn an affiliate commission.
Gigi Engle is a certified sex coach, educator, and writer living in Chicago. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram @GigiEngle.
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From masturbation to relationship breakthroughs, these experiences show female pleasure in its many forms.
28/07/2020 06:00am BST | Updated November 9, 2020
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The sex positivity movement may have been around for years, but there’s still a lot of misconceptions and mystique surrounding the female orgasm.
For a start, the orgasm gap still exists: studies show that heterosexual men are far more likely to orgasm during sex than heterosexual women; while lesbian and bisexual women are als
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