The vow under totalitarianism: Lester Shum and Nicole Yu look each other in the eye and grow together 

Arrest, imprisonment, exile, emigration, border closure, quarantine, surprise inspection… Over the past year or so, the ruthless regime has forced people apart for short and for long. Freedom to unite was striped off. 

Saying "never part and never give up" these day requires unwavering determination to defy. 

"I, Nicole Yu, take you, Lester Shum, to be my wedded husband."

"From this day onward, we shall walk side by side, never part and never give up.” 

"May we always look each other in the eye and firmly hold each other's hands."

"In love, we care for each other and grow together. In hardship, we embrace each other."

"Time will pass but our love has no end."

It was a warm sunny day and the wedding was filled with laughters. The bride, Nicole Yu, wearing a white wedding gown and holding a flower bouquet and the bridegroom, Lester Shum, in beige suit took their vow. The wedding took place half a month after the January 6th mass arrests of opposition lawmakers, activists and lawyers. Shum was among the arrested being accused of subverting state power.  

The couple were blessed by the attending guests who at the same time had many questions in the back of their mind, “Will this ruin the bride’s life?”, “Is this a wedding on impulse?”, “It does not seem that you have known each other for very long.”, “If he gets ten years of imprisonments, can you take it?” In the face of years of imprisonment and separation, and the possibility of Shum even being extradited to China, these were all logical questions to ask.

The couple had asked themselves similar questions over and over again and came to this conclusion. “It is not an issue of whether we can bear it or not. In fact no Hongkongers could bear such society under such circumstances and oppression by those in power.” Yu paused and said, “When it comes to any important decision in life, what comes to your mind is not whether you can bear the consequence but the importance of it.”  

"If it is very important, you are more determined to embrace it, to get it done, to make it work, to cherish it and not to give up."

As such, the wedding is a tender but resolute answer to the challenge passed down by the totalitarian regime. 

At the start of a new year, whether you are in love with someone or not, I wish everyone can hold on to the people and things they cherish.

A supporter behind Shum “sticking her neck out” 

In the early morning of 6 January 2021, the couple with four cats and a dog were woken up by the knocking by National Security Department. Shum was taken away.  

Yu said she had expected this day to come. She was the type of person who would brush off her emotions when she was engaged. Calmly, she sent out messages, looked for a lawyer and contacted Shum’s family and co-workers. All of these took her half a day. Then she posted a message on Facebook. “The greater the oppression, the stronger we are. We stand behind the 50 people (arrested on 6 January)."

After a while, she posted a photo with Shum with a note: "Lester Shum, I stand by you."

In fact, all the arrested were unable to read her messages while still detained in police stations. However, deep down, Yu was keen to express her support regardless. “This is not an issue only concerning the 50 plus people arrested. There are many people behind them. So I naively thought that if everyone could come out to say or do something, the atmosphere would have been very different. It kind of gives you a bit of positive feelings."

At that time, the two had been dating for only two months. Yu did not mention this to her friends. Some of her close friends only knew that she was living with Shum when they read her Facebook post. More surprising news was yet to come. A few days later, the media revealed that they had booked an appointment for giving of notice of intended marriage.

Feeling happy for them, many left congratulatory messages online. However, some of Yu’s friends did not see this as a purely happy event, in particular as Yu suffered from mood disorders. Some turned paternalistic and firmly believed that she would not be able to handle the blow in future. “They said I am ‘sticking my neck out’, ‘the marriage was panic driven’, ‘this marriage is just functional!’” Yu showed a gloomy smile, "some are so worried to the extent of angry that we are no longer friends."

When the two first dated, Shum already had a lawsuit involving the illegal assembly on 4 June 2020, and he was definitely among those at the top of the regime's target list. In the eyes of an onlooker, choosing such a partner was like choosing a very difficult destiny. However Yu deemed such thinking negatively biased. She emphasized that it was not her choice if something did happen in the future. "It is the oppressive regime that corners us." "When I am in love with a person and want to marry him, why do I have to worry whether he is a lawbreaker?” 

To Yu, Shum was just an ordinary person. What was important to her was his personality, passions and whether they shared the same values and interests. "Should I tell him ‘you will be jailed soon and thus we should break up regardless how much I love you. Is this what I should do? That will be irrational.” 

"He may have to serve a prison term but I do not think he has done anything wrong. If you choose to give him up just because of him being imprisoned, you are in fact giving up your whole ideology. You are giving up your values. You are giving up what you think is worth pursing and holding on to. To me, to leave him is in fact to leave behind my values.”

"I am not trying show my defiance by marrying him..." Did it indicate Yu’s surrender if she did not marry him because of this? "Exactly! Yes, yes. This is how I think."

Photo caption: Yu: "When I am in love with a person and want to marry him, why do I have to worry whether he is a lawbreaker?"

When impermanence becomes permanent

In the eyes of Yu’s friends, the decision was irrational. The two started questioning each other since the end of last year. For many nights, they sat on the floor of the living room as there was not yet a sofa in their flat. They talked for hours about current affairs, the risk of imprisonment and their relationship. They took these discussions as seriously as if they were preparing to run in a student union election.

The idea to get married was initiated by Shum and Yu was a bit surprised. This idea had never crossed Shum’s mind before.

Shum was upfront with his previous girlfriends that he was a “forever bachelor”. He would not conform to the traditional value of husband and wife forming a family, nor did he believe in eternal relationship. “We are just brushing shoulders as we pass. The next thing after getting married will be a divorce. It’s just a matter of when.”  

He then realised that behind this attitude was his fear of impermanence. "There are news everyday such as vehicle going up the pavement and killed a random pedestrian. I had deep fear of things like this and had nightmares constantly that my girlfriend died. What I saw in the dream was her photo in the funeral hall with her most beautiful smile.”  

"The world is so unpredictable and as such I will not over commit to a person."

The world post 2019 was very different—infested with oppression, violence and pandemic. “Impermanence" became a daily occurrence which drove him to reconsider his response to his fear. “When one’s mind is too focused on uncertainty, or the bad side of uncertainty, fear turns into hindrance.

One grows cynical and becomes a coward.”  

The political situation made him more committed. “Basically every person under the age of 35 will know someone among his friends who are arrested or beaten up. As a result of what happened in that half a year, these people are facing the prospect of having to pay a hefty price, be it physical or mental trauma. One thing we all know is that when you put an individual behind bars, you are also confining a family and the community centred around that individual.”  

"If my prospect is very gloom, or if I top the list of the National Security Department and will face huge suffering, then… I should not take a relationship lightly.” Shum said. Did he mean if one was not serious about committing, one should not draw another someone in? “It's not just serious, it's super-duper serious, super-duper serious."

Dispel fears with candidness

Finding the right person is very important. When he had no idea when he would be arrested, Shum was frank about his severe anxiety and fear. “I find that the more candid I am and the more opportunities I have to be candid, the stronger I am and the more comfortable I feel. Why do I think she is quite something? When I am with her, she makes me very candid and I will not run away from my problems.”

Being a journalist, Yu spoke openly and to the point while Shum was a social activist, graduated from the Department of Government and Public Administration, Chinese University of Hong Kong, who was well tuned to critical thinking. During the interview, the two questioned each other from time to time. There were a number of times when the arguments were so heated that an average couple would simply turn their backs on each other. Even when no consensus was reached, they would just let go. It seemed that this was the way they picked each other’s brains.

"She is mean," Shum said. 

"I am not mean to you, just that I know what you think, don’t I?” said Yu.  

Shum complained further, "Sometimes she tried to blackmail me. To be frank, she did blackmail me.” He continued with a submissive smile, "I find it's OK, to me it’s all positive. As I can live with someone who constantly blackmail me, I surely can embrace a value (marriage) that I disapprove.” 

Yu did not reject the idea of tying the knot but she would not marry just for the sake of getting married. As the traditional wedding vows were all the same, she suggested to write her own. Initially she wrote a very long wedding vow sharing her thoughts along her journey in the past few months. However Shum wanted the vow to focus on eternal promises and not something that might change over time. In the end, they each wrote a short vow embracing elements that were dearest to them, with things in common while allowing differences.

Shum’s version emphasized "may we always look each other straight in the eye.” "To me avoiding direct eye contact is an obvious sign that there is something untouchable. That’s OK. There is something magical with eye contact and it is not at all easy for a couple to look each other in the eye. You have to be honest with the other and yourself. Being able to always look each other in the eye means both are determined, honest, committed and loyal.” 

The main point in Yu’s version was to "care for each other and grow together".

The timing for Shum to first mention marrying was too soon for Yu. However, she could feel the relationship helped both of them to grow. "Our relationship is lively and keeps growing. I think we can continue to nurture it. Along the journey of life, it is easy for people to fall apart. One may head towards point A and the other towards point B. Or when the couple do not see eye to eye on a particular issue, they go separate ways. If we can ‘grow together’, we might be able to never part or give up.”

Is it a burden, or responsibility?

"Never part or give up" is the common phrase in the vows of both. Yu said, "If we are lucky to live long, have room to grow together and to complement each other, and along the journey, we will not lose the other and will not give up on the other. To me these mean everything in a marriage.”  

"It is likely between us one will lose the other,” said Shum deep in thought. 

“But we will never give up on the other,” said Yu. 

Shum elaborated, "It is likely between us one will lose the other. But there is a bond between us … we will come back to each other.”

He dared not underestimate the long and dark challenges they were facing under the totalitarian regime. Thus he had the premonition that they might lose each other. Mainland Chinese human rights lawyer Wang Quanzhang returned home after five years of imprisonment. While he was grateful to his wife Li Wenzu for running around to secure his release, he admitted that she had become a stranger and there were many arguments between the two. Re-adapting to family life was his biggest challenge.

Shum could easily relate as he had similar experience. His ex-girlfriend Willis Ho was jailed for three months over the North East New Territories development protests, which was not long. After the release, the two had to adapt. "Prison is another institution the purpose of which is to change the way you live and think. Your will must be very strong in order not to be worn down by the institution.” In Li Wenzu’s case, she had changed from an ordinary housewife to a warrior who shaved her head in protest. "Basically, both have changed into two different individuals and live together again."

"Anyway prisons in Hong Kong are different from those in mainland China. It institutionalizes you but will not drive you insane,” said Shum. These days Shum kept visiting those behind bars and met protesters who developed more disciplined lifestyles and read more books. Through letter writing, their thinking improved. The mental state of some improved compared to before their imprisonment. These gave him strength and hope.  

"I am not worried about palatability of meals, prison cultural and having nothing to do—none of these at all. What I fear only is separation. I will be very worried about her (Yu). I will miss her a lot and dread not being able to be with her.” 

He remembered in one of the visits, a protestor on remand told him if he was convicted and jailed, he would break up with his girlfriend. Shum told him off, "Why would you make such a decision for her?” He thought the decision to break up or not should rest with his girlfriend. The protestor argued, “What? I am not making a decision for her. What I want is to serve my jail term free from worries.”

"To him, he feels more comfortable being free from worries. In fact this is a way to manage separation. His girlfriend may be very willing to wait for him but he really doesn't want to suffer."

In view of this, facing imprisonment and not breaking up but instead getting married was a form of commitment. "I dread separation. Nonetheless why do I have to part with something very dear to me in life for such a totalitarian regime? This does not make sense, fucking insane,” said Shum with a childlike obstinacy. “Though this will hurt me and us both, I will not bow. No way. I will bow to many other things.

I will plead guilty, plead guilty to whatever fucking charges! But this will not make me bow, absolutely not. It is not the time to submit yet, yes.”

Don’t let "mental preparation" squash you

Yu paid attention to the news about the arrested lawyers during the “709 crackdown” and their wives in China. She once read a news report that Xu Yan stated Yu Wensheng was abused in prison and lost a few teeth. Yu told Shum, "Even if you lose three teeth, I will still love you..." Shum interrupted, "Don't tell me! I don't want to know I will lose three teeth!"

Facing the risk of being arrested, some mainland Chinese dissidents were so worried about not getting through the torture and admitting guilt that they “trained” themselves in preparation for imprisonment—keep material desires to a minimum, confine themselves in closed rooms, keep the lights turned on during sleep, severe the ties with family and friends, break up with their partners, etc. Should Hong Kong protesters do the same? Neither Shum nor Yu agreed to such practice. 

"My view is that ‘early preparation’ is somehow a form of surrender," said Shum. "I will not be able to live a normal live if I always have this image of ‘losing three front teeth the next day’.”  Yu said she would not put herself in the shoes of wives of the victims of the 709 crackdown as each case was different. "When you cannot accurately predict what will happen, the preparation may not be helpful. It will only restrict your quality of life earlier," continued Yu. After all, when one was tortured and lost one’s teeth, it still hurt regardless.

The day of imprisonment would eventually come, what did Yu think she would behave? "I think I will be devastated for a few days," said Yu while Shum interrupted, "You should stock up immediately! Like cigarettes, cracker nuts, dried shredded squid, jocks, towels...[note: these are personal supplies for prisoners].” 

Yu complained, "Should you not worry about your wife's mental state foremost?"

"You said you won’t get emotional when you are busy handling logistics.” Shum continued his wish list, “Five packets of chocolate a day..." 

"Five packets of chocolate a day? You will get diabetes!" 

“There are many others uncared for [in prison] such as triad members, illegal immigrants." 

"Oh, okay, okay.”

"I will write to you and you will write back. You will have to sort out news, commentaries and facebook screenshots for me. Print and mail them to me. In addition, each prison visit including travelling time will take a few hours. These will keep you busy.” 

Nicole: “How nice!?”

As if nothing can separate the two

After the cheeky exchanges, they returned to the serious mode. "We both know of course this will be a difficult journey,” said Yu trying to find the appropriate expressions. “I do not think this Hong Kong… Among those who care about society, who did not find the course hard these years? This is collective karma. Perhaps he has to suffer imprisonment. I have to suffer not having my husband by my side. Journalists have to suffer with work pressure. Or an ordinary worker may find no hope in Hong Kong, feel indifferent, worry if he/she can emigrate or has to consider whether to emigrate or not. Each and every person has to suffer some sort of pain or pressure, the only difference is it’s manifestation.” 

Shum believed that even if the two were physically separated, they could still be connected spiritually. “Perhaps this is the most, most, most important form of connection. In many relationships or marriages, the couple may walk hand in hand, side by side but their hearts are not together. So, I will say… actually I will be with you, no matter what, I will be with you. Yes. This is my pledge to you.”

The two gazed at each other for a while. Yu looked a little sad, turned her head and pondered. “I … for sure will be devastated.

Initially I will find it hard that he is not around. But… yes…is physical separation that insurmountable? Can we keep each other company and support each other by words and photos?”

"I think I will find a whole heap of things to occupy myself. The most positive thing is probably pursuing further study, learning something new, reading, etc. I think even if we are physically apart, we can live a parallel life.” “Do you know what I mean?" Yu asked Shum.

Shum was silent for a while, "I cannot guarantee but it is very likely that we will have more heart to heart talks. Compared to verbal conversation, one tends to be more candid and frank in writing. There could be more mindful exchanges.” 

Then he got uneasy, “There could be scenarios such as me getting no reply from you after many letters … Or get a simple reply ‘Received. OK.’ If this is the case, there is nothing I can do.” 

Yu said, "What about sending you a sticky note with ‘Noted’ written on it?” 

Shum sneered, "Well, you can’t post sticky notes to prison."

"Ha ha! OK."

Source：Standnews #Feb14

#Interview #Vow #LesterShum #NicoleYu #Together #HongKong #NationalSecurityLaw

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