The Stand-Up's Guide to Airport Security

Airports: where dignity goes to die and material is born. Here's how to survive: 1. **The Full Body Scan** - "They always stop at my groin - finally someone's interested." 2. **TSA Small Talk** - "No sir, I'm not nervous - this is just my face." 3. **Liquids Rule** - "3oz bottles only - because terrorists respect volume restrictions." 4. **Shoe Removal** - "I'd take my belt off too, but we just met." 5. **The Pat Down** - "If you wanted to buy me dinner first, you just had to ask." 6. **Gate Waiting** - "They say 'boarding' but mean 'cattle call' - moo if you relate." 7. **Airline Food** - "This sandwich has the texture of 'we forgot to feed you.'" 8. **Middle Seat** - "The human body wasn't meant to fold this way outside of yoga." 9. **Turbulence** - "That wasn't a bump - that was God checking our seatbelts." 10. **Delays** - "'Maintenance issue' means 'we lost the pilot at the bar.'" 11. **Lost Luggage** - "My clothes are touring cities I'll never see." 12. **Airport Prices** - "$12 for water? I'll just lick the bathroom floor." 13. **Seat Recliners** - "That 2-inch lean back just ruined my entire bloodline." 14. **Crying Babies** - "That's not crying - that's my spirit animal." 15. **Final Approach** - "If we crash, I want my last words to be 'Watch this bit...'"