The Shining Porn
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The Shining Porn
What’s your favourite bit in Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining? It’s a tough one, I know: such an iconic movie; such vivid imagery. If pressed, I’d say my favourite scene is definitely the one where Danny – who you’ll remember is an adult dwarf – gets piss all over his eyes. Absolutely classic scene, that.
Don’t you remember? He peddles his plastic trike up and down the grey corridors of what looks like an insurance office after everyone’s gone home for the night, turns a corner and sees two women blocking the corridor in-front of him. They’re standing side-by-side dressed in matching brown-dungarees-and-short-skirt combos, like a pair of sexy Oor Wullies after a sex-change.
The ladies invite Danny to play with them ‘forever and ever’, which he resists with all of the strength of his unforgivably awful acting skills. As Danny gazes at them, he starts to receive intermittent, violently jarring visions of them squatting above the floor, pulling their panties aside and pissing all over it. Come piss with us, Danny. Come piss with us forever.
Just as Danny’s reeling from this waking piss-nightmare, the ladies tower over him menacingly, ready to unleash the full might of hell upon his innocent little bonce. We share Danny’s shock as an inexplicably horizontal jet of piss smashes him in the eyes. He spends the remainder of the scene pulling ridiculous faces and rubbing piss all over his face and eyes like it was shower gel. In the next scene, the wee dwarf and another guy bang those two dungaree-wearing pissy-chicks on a couch.
I guess Kubrick was trying to subvert the horror genre by aping the structure of a pornographic movie; maybe even using that form to pass judgement on cinema itself. I mean, the guy’s a genius. The cum shots at the end were a master stroke. I mean… just an absolute genius, the… the em… wait a minute…
It was porn, wasn’t it? DAMN YOU, PORN PARODIANS ! DAMN YOU TO BLOODY HELL! YOU’VE TRICKED ME AGAIN! I KNEW THERE WASN’T THIS MUCH JIZZ AND PISS IN THE THEATRICAL VERSION! You’d think I would’ve learned my lesson after Forrest Hump. And The Goo-Knees. Not to mention the Marvel superhero blockbuster ‘Whore: Shagnacock’ (My favourite line: ‘Hulk SMASH… YOUR BACK DOORS IN!’)
Who watches this parody stuff? Seriously. Who makes it? And why? A whole industry-within-an-industry has sprouted up from the worlds of porn and mainstream cinema to produce these fapping spoofs by the megaton. What next? Porn-nado?
Everything is ripe for the porn parody treatment, even titles you would never have imagined in a million years would be viable candidates for conversion. There’s a Curb Your Enthusiasm porn parody (check out the trailer – one of the dudes in it absolutely nails Funkhauser – be careful how you unpick that sentence), a Rick and Morty porn parody, even a Scooby-bloody-Doo porn parody (which is mercifully dog-less).
Who are the end-users here? I can’t speak for my legions of fellow wankers, but whenever I’m drawn to the world of online smut it’s to scratch an itch. I want to return myself to my baseline humanity by ejecting all of the pent-up, pant-ripping, seat-sniffing horn that can build up in a man’s gut, ostensibly by throttling myself stupid for ten dirty minutes, and hoping that an Indian cyber-crime specialist isn’t recording my hideous facial contortions for the purposes of future blackmail.
When I watch porn (and I’m ready to be entirely, completely, disarmingly, refreshingly honest here: I’ve never watched it – what even is porn, anyway?) I don’t want to marvel at the production team’s ingenuity. I don’t want to think about the quality of the script. I don’t want a scare, a smirk, or a laugh. I just want to commit seminal genocide. I want to fist-pump myself so savagely and remorselessly that I guarantee myself a place in Hell as Satan’s right-hand-man. But, please: no rimming, pissing, shitting, or foot-licking. I’m from Falkirk. Not Alloa.
I think we know fine well what’s going on here.
The Shining parody succeeded in making me laugh – Christ, how I laughed – but it failed spectacularly as a piece of pornography. Who are these people who are watching The Shining and thinking to themselves, ‘This movie’s okay, but I sure wish I had more legitimate grounds for masturbating right now.’ And what parodian porn director in his right mind is thinking to himself: ‘A terrified boy on a toy bike and two dead little girls? I could turn that into something sexy.’
Most porn parodies are a colossal waste of time. They shouldn’t do any more of them. Well, maybe one more. Game of Thrones would be an obvious choice, given that the original TV show is pretty close to being porn anyway. There’s probably one already, but if there isn’t, may I suggest as some possible titles: Game of Bones (the most obvious candidate); Lesbian Triple Pack – Winter, Summer AND Autumn are coming ; and You Know Boffing, Jon Snow .
If you feel like you absolutely must waste your time creating a porn parody of a movie like The Shining then you’d better commit to it with the sort of zeal normally reserved for cult leaders and suicide bombers. You’d better go all-in, balls-out, absolutely bat-shit bloody mental with that sucker from beginning to end; lock yourself in a deserted Colorado hotel for three months in the dead of winter with only twelve crates of whiskey, a thousand spank-mags and a squad of sexy ghosts for company. You’d better be ready to out-Kubrick Kubrick. You’d better make an Oscar-winning movie that just happens to have some shagging in it.
As it stands the parody of The Shining misses an unforgivably large number of opportunities. It has a character saying ‘Heeeeeeeeeeerrrre’s Johnny’, but he isn’t holding up an actual johnny when he says it. They could have had Danny, say, running around shouting, ‘Red Bum! Red Bum!’ Or even ‘Red Cum, red cum’ if they were that way inclined. And what about Danny’s possessed finger? They could have had him talking to women in that funny ghost voice of his as he tickled their cervixes with his freaky-deaky digit. Remember Nicholson in the movie, after he’s frozen to death in the hedge maze? Imagine the bukkake scene you could make out of that! And don’t get me started on Scatman Crothers.
ALL JERK AND NO LAY MAKES JACK A FULL BOY
ALL JERK AND NO LAY MAKES JACK A FULL BOY
ALL JERK AND NO LAY MAKES JACK A FULL BOY
ALL JERK AND NO LAY MAKES JACK A FULL BOY
ALL JERK AND NO LAY MAKES JACK A FULL BOY
ALL JERK AND NO LAY MAKES JACK A FULL BOY
ALL JERK AND NO LAY MAKES JACK A FULL BOY
Fuck it. I’m off to make a porn parody of Schindler’s List.
Movie Reboots – COME SHINE WITH ME March 22, 2012 In "*Most Recent Posts*"
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