The Secret Life of a Stand-Up Comedian

Nobody tells you the truth about being a comedian, so I will: 1. **The Green Room** is where dreams go to die - and where comedians steal each other's snacks. 2. **Your First Gig** will probably be in a basement that smells like regret and stale beer. 3. **Writing Sessions** look like a madman talking to himself - because that's exactly what's happening. 4. **The 10-Minute Set** is just long enough for the audience to realize you're not funny. 5. **Comedy Clubs** are the only places where "You suck!" is considered audience participation. 6. **Getting Paid** in "exposure" means you'll die of hypothermia, not starvation. 7. **Other Comics** are your best friends and your worst critics - sometimes in the same sentence. 8. **The Road** is just a series of gas stations and existential crises. 9. **Your Family** will ask when you're getting a real job at every holiday gathering. 10. **Social Media** is where you'll post your triumphs and hide your failures (like a normal person). 11. **The Light** at the end of the tunnel is usually another comedian with a flashlight. 12. **Success** means finally being able to afford therapy for all this. 13. **Failure** means having great material for your next set. 14. **The Laughs** make it all worth it - until you remember your rent is due. 15. **The Truth** is we'd all do this for free - but please don't tell the bookers that.